The Titanic

There were three men gathered around the smallest table in The Brown Celeste, sitting in the middle of the room. The three had nothing but a pint and some clothes to their name. Their erratic conversations became louder and more eccentric as night turned nighter and each drink was drunk. When it came to mind, it came out of their mouth without hesitation.

“D’you see nasty ‘arry?” said the one, donned in a winter coat and the muzzle of a beard, hiding the decaying teeth behind it.

“What’s ‘e doon now?” said the second, who much like the first too had bad dentistry. However, a more upright stature and a longer, more surprised face.

“His missus gave ‘im the cold shoulda!” replied the first

“Well, ‘e ‘it an iceberg there mind” joined the third, the lard of the lot, the man who fills the room with his voice and, yes, he had a beard.

“Yeah, ‘n sank like the bloody Titanic!” shouted the second. 

The three men launched out in laughter, like a barbershop quartet of hysterics, slapping the table and legs until after a minute, it faded into a sigh and then silence. The silence only lasted a couple of seconds, but years could have filled them. 

“Same again?” The third man said, receiving a mumble of yes’ and then leaving the other two at table.

“Still” the one man snapped, “it’s not ‘ow it ‘appened”,

“What now?” said curiously the second,

“Titanic. The iceberg didn’t sink it”

“What d’you mean ‘Didn’t sink it’? Of course it bloody sunk it”

“Well, it’s the, the, the…the inspectors of the ship. In-out job.”

“Bu’ it crashed into ‘n Iceberg!”

“Yes, BUUT! If the inspectors ‘ad checked the ship propaly i’ could’ve kept floatin’”

“What’s all the helter skelter abou’ then?” interrupted the third man

“Well, ‘e finks the Titanic wasn’t sunk by the bloody iceberg” retorted the second

“It wasn’t though wan’ it” quipped the third, “Mummy’s Curse it was. One of the people 

bought sam mammy that’s meant to be cursed. Lo n’ behold, ship sunk”

“Balls to the ‘at!” came in the first, “The Titanic was held together by bloody paperclips!”

The three squabbled at their tiny table, shouting through the entire pub and ignoring their brim-full drinks. There they sat waving arms and pointing fingers, all trying to out do each other. 

When, from the corner of the room, a grumble boomed forward

“Ye don’t know anyt’ing about the shap!” bawled the voice. The three men stopped their quarrel in a gaze and turned heads to the voice.

“N’ I suppose you’ve got the answer, ‘ave you?” quipped the second man.

“Don’t speak i’ that tone, boy” he replied, “And I does have th’answer”

“N’ why is yours better th’n ours then?” called the first man.

“Because I were there, Sunday April 14th. 1912. I was meant t’die, but here I am”

The voice rose from his seat in the darkness of the room and stepped into the light of the threesome. Indeed, the man had the veneer of an old man, the look of a man who has lived to be wise and wise to have lived. His face, crushed into the center of it circled by the thickest of white beards. As for his attire, he was head-to-toe sailor. Only scraggier, aged. Like a book that’s been worn by the sun, just kept in the dark. This was a lighthouse keeper without doubt.

The keeper, staring dead in the eye of the frozen first, raised his arm behind his back and  gripped the top of a chair and dragged it, with the longest, most grating of screeches across the grey, stone floor. He then placed himself on the chair.

“Everyone knows th’story o’the Titanic. ‘The shap’t god couldn’t sink’, ‘The shap built b’Titans’, ‘The Shap o’Mount’ns’. The unsinkable shap’t sank to the very bed o’ th’Ocean. I was there 98 yars ago o’the harboured side. I snuck onto’t when it was leav’n, I’d always wanted to travel o’ sea. N’ what better a’ way t’ do’t than on the largess shap graced b’man. I went under th’ name o’Jerome Drummand n’ became a deck-boy. Jus’ clean’n, mopp’n. It was hard. Very hard. But some nights I got t’ sit i’th’ gods n’ watch the ban’ play.”

“Yeah, bu’ ‘ow di’it sink, like?” interrupted the first man,

“Well,” resumed the keeper, “while I was o’the shap, I’d a chance t’go t’the eng’ne room to gi’ the lads some food. Bu’ when I got down there, they robb’d me the food n’ wouldn’t let m’in! They pushed me back up th’stairs sayin’ ‘Yoor nae men’ t’be doon heer!’. Now, for‘n engine room it wa’nt very noisy, jus’ the voices of laughin’ men. N’ it wa’nt very hot either, infact very very cold. No steam’n, noisy eng’nes for sure.”

“We don’ care about stories, we just want to know how it sank!” came in the second,

“I came a’give the capt’n some orders s’well, but I notic’d there was no’ne at the helm, boy! A bit strange, no-one at the wheel?! No’ne steer’n it and noth’n mov’n it!”

By now the three men were restless, slumped in the back of their chairs sighing at each word the keeper said. He was leant forward in deep reflection staring down at the rim of the table in front of him.

“When I first found out we’re sinking, I was jus’, ‘n shock. Not for my life, for everyone else. The shap’t I’d grown t’adore, was sinking so quickly. I knew I was to die, the crew had to lag b’hind. I only really wanted t’ travel, but somehow I felt like go’n down with the shap was the right thing’d do. I stood opp’site t’ Johnny Hume as he played the last song with Wallace. I stood watch’n ‘hem in floods o’ tears, through the tint o’ m’own tears.”. The keeper stopped and thumbed away the moistness of his eyes.

“The crowds were hang’n off the side now n’ a ban’ o’ mothers and sailors were head’n my way, they barged ‘to me taking me wit’hem. ‘C’mon now chap, there’s no time to f**k about’ the sailor said. I tried t’reply ‘No, no, no leave me here, I’m go’n down wit’ t’shap’. He wouldn’t have’t ‘Stop f*****g around, get into the lifeboat and do everything I f*****g say’. M’blood ran col’, I were horrified. One min’te I’s a martyr to the travelers n’ then I’s being towed down the side o’th’ship.”

“Mate, I don’ wanna rush you bu’ I’m tryin’ to win a argument. Tell me: ‘ow di’ the Titanic si-

“We’re about hundred yards ‘way. I stood to salute the Titanic. But t’wasn’t sinking. T’was submerg’d i’th’water but not go’n down. Twas bobb’n up now and again”

“Did it crack in two?” came the lanlord

“Alas it did not! it continued go’n under at’n angle n’ then vertically plummeted.”

“But how did it sink, old man!” came a distant voice.

“Then I saw it.” the old man whispered, leaving a pause, “from th’end of the shap, rose a large fin. A whale’s fin, 50 feet wide must’ve been. It went down with th-

“HOW DID IT SINK?!?” roared the third man into the keeper’s face. The Keeper lifted his head from the table and snaked his head towards his.

“The Titanic, was a Whale you stupid boy!” 

The whole pub fell silent, trying to gasp but their breath was not there. The three men were huddled into the middle of the table, hands on their laps and eyes fixed on the keeper. The lanlord stopped drying the glasses. The pub stopped the drinking. A man froze, with the dart still in his hand ready to fire. The sound of silence was in the room, eating away.

“How can it have been a whale?” said the lanlord

“There are pictures of it as a ship!” heckled one

“The inspectors checked the whole ship! It was a ship!” cried another

“Because you were there weren’t you!?” bellowed the keeper, “You watched it go down! You see four pictures of the Titanic sinking as a ship and suddenly it’s fact!?” 

“But the survivors all saw a ship sinking!”

“They saw the fin, they saw the whale. Ever’one was ordered to never speak o’th’whale, otherwise they’d be sent to a psychiatric institution n’ classed as insane”

“So why weren’t you sent to an institution?!”

“Because I don’t exist. Jerome Drummond died on the Titanic, but I didn’t”

The three squabblers who drove tears from an old man, were frozen. Then, one slumped back into his chair.

“I’m sorry mate, but you’re talking bollocks” said he

“Is that so” the keeper grumbled, “Well boy, you spen’ so long disproving ever’thing, you don’t actually believe in an’thing.” The Keeper left his chair and stood over the three. “The Titanic was a Whale. Enjoy your drink.”