Survivor Story #1

(Submitted January 14, 2019)

I was 10. My best friend since 3rd grade, his 2nd oldest brother sexually abused me constantly. I remember waking up to it for the first time when I was staying the night and slept in the game room. I went home that day and took the hottest shower possible. To this day, i still do. This continued for two years because I was scared that if I told someone, he was going to hurt me. Or if I stopped coming over and staying the night, that my friend would hate me. So I put up with it by trying to stay up the entire time I was there. When I was 13, I told one of my friends and then attempted suicide. While I was asleep from my attempted pill OD, my older brother went through my phone because he wanted a BlackBerry Storm too. He found the messages between me and my friend. He told our mom and when I woke up, I told her everything I knew.

The guy who did this to me was "slow" according to his attorney, even though he graduated high school and was actively in college. He was charged with 2 counts of rape, 9 counts of indecent liberties, 2 counts of sexual battery. The county attorney tried to cover things up and say my abuser was a minor when that absolutely wasn't the case, even with his taped confession stating that he was indeed 18. My case was thrown out and I had to fight till I was 16 to get the charges refilled. He faced two counts of indecent liberties and one count of sexual battery. I was told each count was a minimum of 25 years in prison. I signed a plea agreement for him, dropping one charge of indecent liberties. They lied to me. He got 1 year in county jail and four years in prison. He only served his one year in county before being released. I found out when I was a senior in high school and I was driving home and he passed me. I lost my mind that day. Since I was 13, up until 19 - I slept with my two big Great Danes every night to make me feel a little safer.

I'm 22 years old now. I still have a hard time sleeping alone. I still take the hottest showers possible. I can't wear branded adidas gym shorts, I can't stand the smell of clean linen air fresheners. I couldn't eat popcorn for years, because that's all he ever ate. I don't like meeting new people. I don't trust people. I moved away from my hometown in Kansas where this happened, and moved to a larger city. I still didn't feel clean. I moved to Arizona and then to Texas, and I still don't feel okay. I will never be the same.

While this guy was sexually abusing me, one of his friends raped me when I was 12. No one knows that part of the story except for my girlfriend. No one other than you strangers. I've tried giving up my life a dozen times but I don't want to die. I want to numb these feelings I've been struggling with for years. Drugs and alcohol never numbed me enough.

But I'm a female in the United States where this stuff happens all the time, and no one cares.

My regret isn't the drugs, the alcohol, the mental issues, none of that s**t. My one regret is signing the plea deal.

It’s no ones fault except the people who did it. I’m from a very small city in Kansas. Everyone knows everyone. Though no one knew until I started to somewhat open up, I still felt like everyone knew and could see the dirt I felt on my own skin after all of this. I’ve worked a lot on myself. I’ve been battling staying clean and sober for the last seven years, with my most recent relapse being July 2017. I hid all of this forever and I’m tired of sitting around and being quiet. I couldn’t get justice so I have to make sure other people can.
- Jordin R. S.