July 26

Today was another uniform day. I woke up, took a shower, went to school and came back 3 hours later. Nothing unusual happened, nothing of interest, nothing even remotely entertaining, just the usual old bus ride, and the standard crowd of people all doing the same thing day in and day out. I find it disheartening that I can’t break from this shell; the best way to describe it would be like being a caterpillar that has stayed in his cocoon too long. My wings won’t spread, and even if they did, I would be too afraid to fly. I would worry about the world and what it would think. I would not be able to bear the fact that some people would not accept who I am. I don’t think anyone can blame me, I have been told all my life not to be too loud, not to get too messy, don’t rock the boat. I sometimes think that I am ready to release myself from this self-imposed prison, but I always pull myself from the edge, scared that I would just be jumping into the harsh waters of judgment and shame. I just don’t know how I would do it, to go from being a lonely caterpillar to a social butterfly, the change would be much too drastic, and I fear I would lose myself in the process. But I am tired of always having to envy everyone, tired of wishing I were a part of their world, tired of being alone. I wonder if this will be the year, my year. Will I be able to shed this amour that I have been using to protect my heart? Can I face people’s expectations? Will I be able to let my creation live, without fear of rejection? I’m really not sure, but I have nowhere else to run, nowhere to go, and nothing to lose. So should I plunge into the deep end and let the ice cold water of the real world envelope me? Or should I keep swimming in the shallow where it is safe? I feel the latter has been overused , time to make some changes.