Emily.

Its a personal event that effected me in both a negative and postive way. -Rest in peace Emily. Forever will the wigglemuffin's roam.

Emily was tall with long wavy blonde hair that looked as though it had a mind of its own. Her eyes were the brightest blue i had ever seen, and they had a certain way of making guys always go crazy. No matter what the weather was, she always wore her jeans, with thick woolly jackets and boots, even in the middle of summer. She was crazy, and she was my best friend.  

So the day i found out that she had killed herself, it pretty much ruined my life. Not in an over reacting way either. Me and Emily had been best friends since the day we met, which was when we were around the age of three. We lived on the same street, and our parents occasionally spoke to each other in passing, which meant both of us would just sit there in our push chairs doing what three year olds did �" which for us was mainly swapping pacifiers until the next time we saw each other.  We went to the same nursery and elementary school, and we got really close. Emily was always the shy one out of us, she didn’t like crowds of people and she never wanted to voice her opinion when others were around. But when it was just me and her, she was so loud and outgoing you would think she was another person. But when we moved up to Primary school Emily’s family moved away �" out of the country away �" and we lost contact.

When i was eleven, i was in training for the nationals swimming competition, which meant three hours a night at the swimming club. I had just got out from an hour’s training to take a break, and went to sit outside in the sun for a while, when someone came over to me screaming. I automatically knew who it was the second i saw the blonde hair in messy waves covering the girls face. It was Emily. Apparently i hadn’t changed at all, and neither had she. We sat on the bench and caught up; laughing, crying, and sometimes we even started screaming until it got dark. It wasn’t until my coach came out of the building shouting at me that we actually realised we had been out there for over an hour and half, which made us laugh even more.

It turned out that Emily had moved back to England just a few days ago, and was living in the town over from me. We exchanged numbers and email addresses to keep in close contact since we wouldn’t be reconnecting in school �" which to us was fine; we had our best friends back, so everything was all good again.

Emily’s older sister joined a rival swim team to me, which actually worked out perfectly for me and Emil, since her club competed against my club at nearly every competition. I would always sneak off to Shelly’s team and sit with them, chatting and laughing until Emily could sneak onto pool side and we could ditch out until i had to race. After i had finished all my races Emily would meet me outside the pool and we would sit on a wall bench joking around.

We often spent weekends together whenever i wasn’t competing. It turned out my mother wasn’t exactly fond of Emily and her family, and gave me strict orders to stay away from them as they were apparently trouble. If anything, i was more trouble since Emily’s school record was perfectly clean, where as mine was as dirty as the floor we walked on. But with my mum’s opinion standing firm, i often had to lie to her and say i was hanging out with my teammates or something when me and Emily wanted to hang out.

Everything took a turn for the worst four years later when Emily’s dad passed away. Over the years Emily’s family became like my second family, and since i never really had a dad, Emily’s dad - Michael - became like my dad too. It hit us both hard, and everyone in my real family was always wondering why i was so upset, but of course it hit Emily harder. She changed in the weeks following the funeral, even when it was just me and her she would stare off into space or just sleep away the hours of the day. After a month, it was time for me and my family to do our annual family trip to Tenerife. I asked my mom if i could take a friend with me when we first booked the holiday at the beginning of year, and without asking who, she said yes and booked the ticket. Meaning i was actually going to just show up with Emily in toe whether she liked it or not. But with recent events of her father’s passing, Emily didn’t really want to go, and who could blame her?

The holiday was for two weeks, and by the first week I’d already felt like i had been there for a month. The whole time me and Emily had become best friends again we hadn’t gone this long without seeing each other, and with how fragile Emily was it made me worry even more. I hadn’t actually spoken to Emily for three days either, which started sending me paranoid with thoughts of something being wrong.  Call it a sixth sense if you must, but me and Emily had a way of knowing when something wasn’t right with each other. Not like the mind reading business that some twins claim to have, but more of a best friend intuition which we had come to rely on a lot. I tried calling her a couple more times when i woke up that morning, but no one answered so i left it thinking i would try again tonight. It was around mid day when i got the call. I was sun bathing with my headphones in full blast, So i didn’t hear my phone going off until my sister came out screaming about my phone disturbing her sleep. When i read the call list, it said every call was from Emily’s land line, so i hit redial and waiting for someone to answer. Shelly answered first. Her voice was all broken, and she kept snivelling. When i asked for Emily, she began to sob and her mother took the phone. I knew something was wrong, but i pushed it aside as Emily’s mother told me to sit down and take deep breathes before she told me a piece of news. I did as she said and waiting for her to speak again, biting my lip so hard that it began to bleed. Then she said it.

"Amy, Emily... Emily isn’t with us anymore. S-she was found this morning by the police near the Rez. She drowned Amy. Im so sorry"

It took me a few minutes to let the news sink in, but when it did i couldn’t hear anything but my own heart breaking. The sound drowned out the sobs from Emily’s mother on the other end of the phone, the sound of the traffic from outside my grandmothers villa, everything. I dropped the phone letting it smash to pieces and threw myself down on the sun bed crying. I was crying so hard that it hurt, and when someone tried to take a hold of me i lashed out. I hit and kicked and punched anything i could just to make whoever it was hurt as much as i did. She was my best friend, and i wasn’t there for her. I went on vacation and left her there alone when she needed me the most! When a best friend should have been there to comfort her in her time of need, i was on vacation in the sun.

The funeral was the hardest part about it all though. I had to ditch class to go, and got into so much trouble for it, but none of it mattered. At first i didn’t plan on going, i felt like i didn’t deserve to be there. Like it was my fault she was dead so i shouldn’t be there when the people she loved most were paying their respects. I knew she wasn’t going to be okay when i was away, i knew that something was wrong and i should have tried harder to get in contact with her. But i didn’t, and she killed herself. But Shelly had pulled me aside one time on my way home. She convinced me i had to be there despite how i felt, and that i owed Emily that much. In which she was right.
When i arrived at the church, which was just up the road from my school. Emily’s mom trapped in her arms, which made me break down. It was the first time id felt like i was able to openly cry about everything, and it felt good to let it all out. Better than i thought it would anyway.

The service was agonizing. Everyone was crying and talking about how much Emily will be missed. Alot of people from Ireland had come over to pay respects too, and they spoke about all the times they had with Emily when her and her family lived there. Emily’s favourite songs were playing over and over and over as if they were on repeat and no one had the intention of turning them off too!
- I remember when we actually discussed what songs we wanted playing at our funeral. We found it so funny because we both insisted on having “Staying Alive” by the Bee Gee’s played just for the jokes of it all. That was the song that was being played repeatedly as everyone was gathering in the church. There were a few others, some Britney Spears, and a Green Day song Emily particularly loved, but Staying Alive was the most played.

I cried my way through the service, not letting a word from the priest sink in. Nothing actually sunk in until i heard my name called. I looked up, and through my tears i saw Shelly stood at the wooden podium, tears streaming down my face. She motioned for me to go stand with her, and so i did. She took my hand, both of us crying uncontrollably as she told the people in the service about who i was, and how close me and Emily worse. I despised the words she spoke though. How could she speak so highly of me when i wasn’t even there to help Emily when she needed me the most? How could she possibly say such nice things about how i brought back the light in Emily’s eyes, when i was partially to blame for the light going out?
She pulled out a piece of paper and looked at me, tears still blurring both our eye sights. I listened closely as i heard her read my name off the paper. It was what Emily had written before she left that morning. It was a letter, addressed to the Tenerife Villa i was staying at. Shelly only managed to get through the first three lines before i broke down, crying so hard that once again it hurt. I clutched onto the podium as hard as i could, trying to focus more on the pain my grip on the podium was causing, than the pain i felt with thinking about Emily. I just didn’t understand how she could leave me like this!

I was fifteen when Emily passed away, and I’m now seventeen. I’ve more or less come to terms with Emily’s death, although it took a long time for me to so, and it still hurts when i think about her. There are even days when i can’t’ even think straight because it hurts so much. But everyday i send a prayer hoping that she’s okay, that she’s happy where she is right now and maybe that she can hear me. Things are defiantly different now days though. I don’t have many friends that i can hang out with and be honest with, no one actually understands me as well as what Emily did, but since she died i can’t deny the fact that i have changed.
When Emily died, a part of me died with her.
Im not as outgoing, funny and lively as i use to be now days. I still know how to have a laugh and how to joke around with people, but i don’t find many things funny anymore. Everything is a constant reminder of her, everything i do, everything i say. It’s hard to live with, and it’s painful as hell, but still Im thankful. She played one of the biggest parts in my life, and even though Im not the same Amy i was when i was with her, she still makes up a big piece of whom i am.
Sometimes ... I’ll be doing something, something i know is completely stupid and beyond all reason. And out of nowhere, I’ll hear her voice in my head. She’ll be laughing and telling me how crazy I’m being, telling me that I’ll be in so much trouble if i don’t stop it.
I miss those times I had with her; i miss her on the whole. But despite everything, i know i have to move on. To keep living life and doing what i need to do.

 A few months after the funeral Emily’s mother and Shelly moved away. I think they’re in Australia now, im not quite sure. They told me they wanted to leave, and have no more negative reminders of Emily, and that’s all England is to them. I guess it was their way of coping with their loss of not only a daughter, but a father as well.  I haven’t spoken to either of them since though, not because i don’t want to, but because i feel as though all i will ever be is a constant unwanted reminder of Emily. They will find their own way of remembering her, a way that will make them happy, and cause the least amount of pain possible.

I visit Emily’s grave as much as i can. I take birthday cards, holiday cards, anything that was important to the both of us. I don’t tell my mom though, i don’t tell anyone. I don’t think my family actually remember Emily to be fair. But then again, they never really knew her, and i don’t make it a mission to bring her up to see if they do. I think they must have some sort of inkling though, because when i started taking pictures out of photo albums, and taking them out into the town with me, they never questioned what i was doing. And on the date that Emily passed away, everyone tends to always check up on me more, which although is nice, kind of gets a little irritating.

Everything that i have left that was remotely tied to Emily, i have in a box. It’s in the basement; with some other important things i don’t want people getting a hold of. But there is one thing i still have out. It’s a bracelet that Emily gave it to me for my fourteenth birthday. Its pure silver, with the Celtic knot entwined around the edges, and in the middle, another Celtic symbol. Both of us found the Celts to be interesting people, so for our birthdays and other gift giving holidays, we’d always give and receive at least one gift that linked to the Celts. I got the inside of the bracelet in graved last year. I was looking through the box with all of Emily’s things in it, when i found the card that came with the bracelet. She had written me an essay on both sides of the car, and then folded a piece of paper inside to, which at the time made me laugh hysterically because the basic message of it all was happy birthday, but she spent two sides and a piece of paper to say it. On the bottom of the paper though was the pact we had made when we were twelve. For children, we always had morbid conversations, and they always revolved around death.  We asked each other what we would do if one of us died before the other. Her answer is what we made into a pact.

"Even when you’re gone, Ill carries some of you with me. And together, we’ll still live our dreams"

Even though right now, my life isn’t going to plan, and im finding things hard to deal with. I promise that I’ll live up to that pact we made - When we were only twelve years old.

Reviews

[Tracie D'Angelo]

Oh wow. What a story. I'm so sorry you had to go through that, but the story itself is a tremendous memorial to Emily's life. In a positive light, there are so few of us who ever get to experience the love a good friend. Although your time was short, you have wonderful memories to hold on to.

[Lexi]

Omg sooo sad...
You just gave me goosebumps
are you postin again ??