Slowly...

I can't help the way I feel
blindingly real
a time to steal
without regard
and I play this card
I come to say
meant it this way
here today
coy smile
all the while
heart rushing
gut wrenching
thoughts twisting
what I've been missing
enough...
beyond perception
pierce through deception
and I long to be
drifting in this void of uncertainty
into your eyes
I come to realize
and so shall passion materialize
hardly a word
ready to break
so much at stake
in moments bliss
I utter this

Reviews

[Sapphire Balasquez]

oooh! i really do like this piece, but I feel like it needs an in-depth look! .O
"blindingly real"- it does a nice transition but you do notice the difference in lengths of lines?? which is fine, it worked in this instance, just watch out for changing up the rhythm too much, it should bounce nicely along, with those nice imagery-y words of yours ^^
"a time to steal"- I do like how you rhyme the first three lines, nice transition to the poem!! ^^
"without regard"-this gets just a little bumpy here, cuz we haven't quite realized your rhyme scheme just yet, you let us settle into a laziness with the first three lines being rhyming, but whatever you want to do wtih that is all good...
"and I play this card"- I rather think you don't need the "and" in there, it for some reason makes it a little cheesy almost, but the and just has a weird feel to it, if you think it gets the message across without the and, then it would sound better without.
"I come to say"- not much to say here...
"meant it this way"- changes up the rhythm a little, but it still works
"here today"- not sure why this is here? it almost doesn't seem to fit? but whatever you think...
"coy smile"- i like the word choice here!
"all the while"- oh, oh!!! it's leading somewhere!! =O
"heart rushing"- good line >.O very simple, but strong, but watch out for cliche stuff, but this will do for this line.
"gut wrenching"- now it gets a little darker, because of the word choice, so depending on if you're trying to keep it light and fluffy or not you might not want this line to be like this. i like it, but it definitely changes the mood.
"thoughts twisting"- this poem definitely has taken a darker turn... this provokes uneasiness in the mind like there's really something wrong with this picture
"what I've been missing"- this messes wtih the rhythm a little I think
"enough..."- i luf this, it just stops the whole thing for a moment, do you think you could start a new stanza with it?
"beyond perception"- good, good, I like this one
"pierce through deception"- i like the words here, but this messes with the rhythm too, too many hard syllables mixed with soft ones along with too many syllables themselves >.O
"and I long to be"- do you need the "and"?
"drifting in this void of uncertainty"- I realllly like this line!! but it's worse with the rhythm than anything in here and sort of... the rhyme is kind of a long stretch i think, you can't quite tell that it's supposed to be there
"into your eyes"- this one's okay > maybe if you had it in past tense it would sound better? but then you'd have to change the whole poem. T_T I don't know.
"and so shall passion materialize" the and is a little on the iffy side again..., i like the words though
"hardly a word"- oh? and what is this rhyming with? is it all by itelf? T__T won't it be lonely? it does fit there if you really wanted it like that.
"ready to break"- T_T aww
"so much at stake"- yes... those two lines work well together

[lauren emily]

I really like this one! It's a very powerful poem. I especially love this part:

"come to realize
and so shall passion materialize
hardly a word
ready to break
so much at stake
in moments bliss
I utter this"

All the emotion in this is very well expressed and it has a very good flow. Keep up the great work!
~Lauren