Patrick Helsing

Patrick Helsing, super genius monster hunter. Comic story

April was finally here and with it came its soft cooling rain right after a surprisingly warm end of March. The rain started around 7 in the morning and now with it being 12 noon it showed no signs of stopping.  People who were outside would be running from place to place covering themselves with anything they had on them. San Diego weather was always so perfect especially near the beach, but it seemed that mother nature had-a-change-of-heart-today. Patrick walked into a small time diner covering his head with the days newspaper.  When the Door opened a small bell tied to the door latch made a small ring telling the waitress someone came in. Patrick looked around the small checkerboard tiled diner that had those old 1950s red booths next to each window, and a small bar with stools for loners to sit at. Patrick noticed some familiar faces sitting at the bar and some at the booths, and knew they were Mr. Smith’s goons.  When Patrick spotted Mr. Smith we walked over to him shacking his wavy dark hair dry and bushing it some with his hand. Patrick sat down at the booth across from the bald husky man and smiled at him while he placed the newspaper on the table. Mr.Smith, while stuffing his face with some apple pie from the diner, looked at the paper then back at Patrick. Patrick just sat back in his seat there smiling proudly waiting to here something from Mr.Smith. The fat fellow just looked at Patrick chewing on his pie, swallowed, then got another bite chewing slowly on that one. The sound of the rain pattering on the roof of the diner and the windows was the only noise between the two. Patrick’s proud look soon became an impatient glare.

“Well!?”  Patrick said.

Mr. Smith swallowed his pie then cleared his throat “Well, what?” he asked.

“The Newspaper look at it!”  Patrick grunted, poking his finger on the wet mess.

Mr. Smith looked down taking another bite of his pie and nodded. Patrick’s proud smile came back.

“Well, what do you think Mister Smith is that worthy of some cash or not? You should only be so proud.” He said, sitting back in his booth and placing his hands behind his head. Mr. Smith raised his eyebrow some.

“I should be proud that you kidnaped a little girl?” he asked, his mouth full of the pie. Patrick looked at Mr. Smith wide eyed and reached for the paper quickly looking at it. 

“No, you idiot not that column the one next to it!” Patrick said, placing the newspaper back on the table. Mr.Smith looked down at the column reading the right one this time.

“After months of police investigation the search for the San Diego cannibal is finally over. The killer being one Michael Scott a retired lawyer, was found dead in an apartment room miles from his real home. Police came to the conclusion that he was the killer after finding the remains of his latest victim in the fridge. Police said that they were tipped off by an unknown citizen as to where he was, but didn’t get to the building in time to arrest Michael as he was found shot in the head.” Mr.Smith reached under the table pushing a briefcase toward Patrick. “And the police department would like to thank their unknown citizen for all his help.” Smiling some. Patrick chuckled and nodded sitting back against his seat as the cute blonde waitress finally came over with her pen and pad. 

“Sorry for the wait we have are usual group of hungry men here and I seem to be the only waitress working today.” She said smiling at Patrick. Patrick looked her up and down then at her name tag.

“No problem, Susie.” he said smiling and giving a small relaxed wave. She smiled at Patrick bitting her lower lip at looking at the handsome fellow in his black leather trench coat. 

“So what’ll you have?” She asked him, getting her pen ready to write. Patrick shrugged thinking some.

“Oh, just some coffee thanks. I think my friend here has eatin more then enough for the two of us.” Patrick said smirking at Mr. Smith.  Mr. Smith just glared at Patrick putting his fork down and swallowing the piece of pie in his mouth. The Waitress nodded leaving to get his coffee. Patrick sighed feeling proud of himself as he looked out the window watching the rain. Mr. Smith wiped his mouth with a napkin.

“So how is Milena doing? He asked smiling. Patrick’s smile faded and he looked at Mr.Smith plain faced. 

“I don’t think thats any concern of yours.” He said.  

“Why not?”

“I find it disturbing that you know more about my life then I know about you. I don’t even know your name you just dubbed yourself Mr.Smith and I respected that.”

“How did you know my name isn’t Smith?” he asked wide eyed? 

“Please when you first told me that you didn’t make eye contact and your leg was twitching. Don’t play around with me ‘Mr.Smith.'” Patrick lifted his hand making the quote mark fingers when he said his name. Mr. Smith pulled a napkin from his chest pocket on his white suit and wiped his forehead clean of sweat. Patrick smiled at him. 

“The San Diego Cannibal, Mr.Smith wasn’t like my usually hunts he wasn’t a vampire or werewolf. He was an Arabian Ghoul when an Arabian Ghoul eats the flesh of another being it can shape shift into any of it’s meals. Heck who knows if he really was Michael Scott or if Michael Scott was just another unhappy meal, but I'd say his real name was something with a little more flam in it. Don’t underestimate me Mr.Smith if I can find a shape shifter I can find you.” He said glaring at him. Mr.Smith dropped his fork jumping some when he heard the clang. He patted himself and got up.

“I think we talked enough today Mr. Helsing, farewell.” Smith said, walking away and out the door. The Waitress came back placing a coffee cup on a small plate on the table.

“Where did your friend go?” she asked 

“Oh, he was feeling a little under the weather today.” He said, picking his coffee up and taking a sip. As Mr.Smith walked by the window holding his coat collar in the rain, looking inside, Patrick gave a slight nod lifting his coffee in the air grinning. Mr.Smith turned sharply and quickened his pace down the wet concert sidewalk.  Patrick nodded to himself smiling, taking another sip of coffee. 

Author's Note

A story for Patrick's comic, hope all of you like it. Please give advice on grammar, and other stuff. If you like Patrick i'll have more of his stories up.

Reviews

[The Perfectionist]

Oh thank God, a story to review. I am so sick of poems.

had-a-change-of-heart? No, just change-of-heart
Why did you capitalize Door?
"Patrick spotted Mr. Smith we walked over to him shacking his wavy dark hair dry and bushing it some with his hand." HE not we, SHAKING not shacking, and BRUSHING not bushing
Kidnapped has two p's in it

That takes care of the spelling, but your grammar is just beyond help. You have commas where you don't need commas, and there must be fifty occasions where you don't have one and you do need one. Remember, a comma separates two thoughts. And then you have some sentences that are just plain silly, like...well, this one:

"When the Door opened a small bell tied to the door latch made a small ring telling the waitress someone came in"

'made a small ring' Uh...

Like the Inferno story of yours I looked at, it's not exactly disastrous, but it IS so prevalent that it would be faster for me to rewrite the whole thing rather than list all of the mistakes. If nothing else, go look up how to use a comma and study it. It seems like a small complaint, but small complaints add up when you run into them every ten seconds.

Oh, I suppose I should add that it was alright, not the most compelling thing I've ever read. Patrick comes across as a jerk rather than bad-a*s, if that was what you were going for. Just so you know.

[James Watts]

Didn't see too many grammar issues, other than a few punctuation issues.
example:
Mr. Smith just glared at Patrick putting his fork down and swallowing the piece of pie in his mouth.

Try this: Mr. Smith just glared at Patrick, putting down his fork and swallowing.
or:
Putting down his fork, Mr. Smith glared at Patrick. (you could omit the swallowing his pie altogether as it would make that sentence cleaner.

A sentence like that can usually be broken down into two simpler sentences or divided with a comma as they are two different thoughts.
Other than that no major issues. I Know I have to do the same on a lot of the pieces I have here when I am done. I just never edit until the story is finished.
This is a nice story and I hope to read more of your work.

[HorrorMaster]

I love it. Nice to see a helsing character in this story. Very good :)

[Coyote Poetry]

A good beginning to the story. The Helsing character is very interesting. I like the conversation. Now need some more action and story. A excellent start.
Coyote