continued on Wattpad

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Hi, i am putting the new updated parts of the story on Wattpad.  check it out and please follow and comment.  for those that have read so far on here, there are now 4 chapters that proceed the original chapter 1 now.

https://www.wattpad.com/user/Ryan-Yates

Reviews

[JayG]

It’s not possible to comment on individual lines because the site disallows copying. So I can make only general comments.

First, this says chapter one, which means the reader enters knowing only what the text suggests to them, based on their background, not yours. As they begin to read they’re missing the answers to the three questions a reader needs answered quickly, if the words are to have meaning to THEM. The characters know the situation. You know. But the one you wrote it for has no clue till you make them know.

See the problem? I’m not talking about explaining all that, though. Context should come through what and how you present the story.

When you say “Islands of dark green paint hinted at the lost magnificence of the door,” you have a mental picture of the setting. The reader doesn’t even know what planet they’re on, and where and when they are, on it. So what the hell can the term “islands,” mean to someone who just opened to page one?

And you don’t get to say, “Hang in there and it will all make sense,” because the reader won’t. While they‘re making up their mind if they want to settle in and read, or put it back on the shelf—which usually takes less than three pages—they stop reading the first time they’re confused, bored, or have things “explained.”

Is that fair? Yes. After all, there is an implied contract between writer and reader. They give you of their time and you make that time enjoyable—an entertaining experience.

What you’re doing at the moment is taking the reader on a visual tour of the setting. But no matter how much prose you spend on describing it you cannot overcome two problems:

First, you can give them only a tiny fraction of what they would get in the time between eyeblinks.

But of more importance, your protagonist is ignoring 90% of what you’re talking about. And if the character is, why bother the reader with it? Two quotes apply:

“Don’t inflict the reader with irrelevant background material—get on with the story.”
~ James H. Schmitz

“To describe something in detail, you have to stop the action. But without the action, the description has no meaning.”
~Jack Bickham

My point is that though you are working very hard to tell your story in an exciting and interesting way, you’re using techniques inappropriate to the medium—techniques we learn in school as we’re being prepared to use business writing techniques (nonfiction, meant to inform, not entertain) on the job.

It’s a problem that’s easy enough to fix with a it of professional knowledge, though, but also one that few fix because when we leave our school days we’re not aware that the professional knowledge needed to write fictionis different from what we own.

But when you think about it, doesn’t it make sense that we need to devote a bit of time, and perhaps a few dollars on our professional education if we want to be thought of as serious about writing?

So keep on writing, of course. But set some time aside to acquire some of the skills the pros think necessary. And in that, your local library system’s fiction writing section can be an invaluable resource. While you’re there, look for the names Dwight Swain, Jack Bickham, or Debra Dixon on the cover. They are pure gold.

For a sampling of what you need to know, the writing articles in my blog are written with the newer writer in mind.

Hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/