"The Wall" - now updated with 10 full chapters please read

so I'm waiting for my order form so i can buy it and you must sign it as well..... it started off a bit slow.... (first chapter) but now..... It's like my favorite t.v. show I'm dying to watch every week..... stay focused and keeping making it a delicious.....

Posted 8 Years Ago

*Note that I don't mean any offense—I'm trying to aim for constructive criticism*
So based on the first few chapters that I read, and from the type of constructive criticism you want, I have to admit that your story started off a bit slow, and I was bored until there was finally some dialogue on the first chapter.
My attention was caught when Scott described the little girl begging for money with fake pleasantries and how he instantly became reserved as she approached him. That one paragraph told me more about the entire scene(and about Scott) than the long description of how people are living in poverty, of how harsh society has become, and of how Scott holds no sympathy for it.
From the first word he utters, "no," I've managed to grasp all of those details instead of from the five static paragraphs you've spent repeating yourself.
I'm being real with you when I say that one of the best ways (I emphasize on 'one' because there's other methods) to grab a reader's attention is by showing, not telling. In other words, use deep pov. Most readers, like me, don't like their hands being held on every single detail taking place. A simple, but attention grabbing description would hold more impact than three paragraphs that sound more like its being told by the author rather than the character himself.
For example, instead of informing the readers how if someone passes the yellow kill line they get shot by sentry guns, why not have Scott show the readers how he observed someone race to escape, pass over the yellow kill line without any thoughts to the consequences, only to be shredded with bullets by merciless guards? It'll keep most readers engaged and wondering for more.
Deprive the readers with unanswered questions, such as, why does no one react to such a brutal murder? What's over the yellow kill line that makes it punishable by death if crossed? And then slowly give them the clues that lead to the answers. All these awesome details could be thrown like bread crumbs leading to the highest point— the climax. Show a bit, and have confidence that your audience will figure it out.
Now, I know that this is just an outline of a rough draft, and I don't mean any offense when I suggest what to polish on your story, but the main reason why I left an essay of a review is because of how much potential this novel could havexD! *Sorry for this being so long*
All these interesting descriptions of the world you created is genuinely incredible, and it's a great start for a rough draft because your description and plot have the potential to be great once polished.
I can't wait for the finished draft—Please inform me where to get a copy if you can : )

Posted 8 Years Ago

Wow.. This is rather grand indeed from what I've read so far

Posted 8 Years Ago

so I'm waiting for my order form so i can buy it and you must sign it as well..... it started off a bit slow.... (first chapter) but now..... It's like my favorite t.v. show I'm dying to watch every week..... stay focused and keeping making it a delicious.....

Posted 8 Years Ago

if this was an actual book on the shelf i would have to say i would buy it

Posted 8 Years Ago

Okay
1. The first chapter was a bit of a struggle for me, I had trouble seeing what you were saying. Maybe its just me. I was a little confused about the race being that I'm not too well with that stuff.
2. Not much is unlikely, you've done great with your characters and setting and the whole plot it seams very well off.
3. This story flows very well, its really engaging, like I said I only struggled with the first chapter for some reason but I have been sucked in since with the progression and emotion. The life you give to your characters is unreal.
this is amazing I can't wait to read more

Posted 8 Years Ago

Will do, got you, this sounds imteresting

Posted 8 Years Ago