Again amnitiy - my blessings

men are a******s. amninity needed

My blessings

I am a mother of four beautiful daughters, and that makes me biased. Not one of them was planned, and each conceived in force and on a different form of birth control. Each one of them are precious to me. While circumstances surrounding their births are unideal, I love them all dearly and wouldn't trade them for anything. 

BACKSTORY

When I was pregnant with my first I was held at knife point with an ultimatum: choose him or the unborn baby with tears in my eyes, and a voice that quaked, I responded without a doubt, "I'll pick the baby. Every time." He snapped at me and lodged the knife in the wall. When he stormed out, I packed my bags. I had no place to run to. I had no money to support myself and the baby. He took my phone, saying he paid for it and I didn't need it. I had zero friends in the area and no way to get a hold of a trusted friend out of town, but I was going to find a way and protect that baby. When I was packed, I picked the bags up. Leaving this town and finding my way back to my hometown is what I had to do. I couldn't make him leave; he was much stronger and bigger than me. He blocked my path and tied me to the bed. There I remained until he thought my lesson had been learned.

"It's one thing for you to run away, but if you take my child away too, I'll kill you," he murmured as he kissed me and untied my hands.

"Thought you didn't want it?"

"No. I wanted someone who chose me. That child will be your motivator." It was then I began to contemplate his ultimatum - just for a second. I couldn't condemn a child to a cruel fate that would await them if born into this family and I also knew they didn't deserve death. Even though the child was conceived out of fear, it deserves to be loved. I began researching adoption. It tore me apart. I already loved this child and I had promised my departed fiancé that I would always try to find the better way, that light and love was always better than fear and darkness.

When the monster who seemed to be holding me captive in my own apartment found my research, he blew up again. "I considered it! I can't follow through with it! I still choose the baby!" I spat angrily. He smirked and walked away, taking my research with him. I felt alone and like a failure. I often cried too much. I would wrap my arms around my growing belly as I faced the wall. Words from my departed fiancé stuck with me. "This child will be an extension of who you are: kind, compassionate, loving, forgiving, gracious, intelligent, honest, and sincere. All he or she needs is to be shown the way. You have the strength to do this. Mentally, you are still the strongest person I know. You faced greater battles than a baby that was forced upon you. Remember, I love you and won't make you do this alone. I'll always support you." He would have stuck by his word. He would have helped me grow and not live in fear. He already thought of this child as his own. Unfortunately, he passed peacefully in his sleep before I even had the child. *****Author's note: you can read about that in A Night to Remember. This is not about that.***** I fought with my own mind often. I had no idea how I could show this child love if all I felt was fear. Every day, I would feel more and more movement, and every day, I would become more and more depressed. 

Christmas time rolled around. It signified the halfway point of my pregnancy. I was starting to show. My captor looked at me with a grin as I held on tighter to my belly. He disappeared and came back. I watched him closely as he terrified me. "Let's do this right. Will that work?" He inquired as he threw a small black box at me. I opened it up and gazed upon a diamond floral ring. "We could have just used your other ring, but I couldn't find it in your belongings. My ex before my ex was meant to wear that." I put the ring down and ran to the bathroom where I vomited and sobbed. Two months my fiancé had been buried and I was already being asked to consider another future with someone I despised?! The monster followed me into the bathroom, grabbed my left hand, and put the ring on my finger; it fit perfectly as fate would have it. He pulled me to a standing position and rubbed my cheek. His eyes hardened as he pulled me into him. "You belong to me. If that comes off, if you try to leave, or if you give the baby away, I will hunt you down and drain the life from you. Say yes. You have no one else. No one will ever love a unfaithful w***e like you. I'm your best bet. You can count on me to provide for this family and you. Understood?" Blinking back tears, all I am capable of doing is nodding. He grins and holds up my left hand. "We have some phone calls to make. Thanks for agreeing to be my wife. Now your whole body truly belongs to me. No more refusing to lay with me. It's time that you forgot about what's-his-face. He's dead. I'm all you have. I don't want you to see his best pal again either. Thanksgiving was a mistake and you know it." He kisses my cheek and walks away, leaving me dumbfounded. Did I really just agree to marry that monster? I look at the ring on my finger and throw up again, feeling even more constricted than before.

In February 2009, my blessing was born. She was early but she was a fighter. When we were released and after we got home, he rocked her gently as he looked at me in an evil way. "Can I hold my baby please?" I begged.

"This is your chance. You may leave," he insisted as he gestured to the door. I looked at it then back at him. I held out my hands for the baby. "I said you may leave. She stays." I gasp and lower myself into a chair. I couldn't leave her behind. I needed her as much as she needed me. "Good. Finish the plans for our wedding. You already did this once. It should be easier now. Let's see. Oh! Plan it for June. My birthday is in that month. If you get it on the day exactly, I'll never forget our anniversary. Hmmm. But it needs to be on a Saturday, not a Wednesday though. You got your honeymoon already," he stated as he gestured to the baby in his arms. "And you spent your savings securing this place to live and to have a vehicle. Don't expect me to take off time from work to decorate. Don't expect me to pay for everything. Raid my mother's craft room. The baby and I will see you for supper. Oh and happy Valentine's Day. Remember, you're only job is to make me happy; I'll take care of the rest. If you fail, baby pays." So I complied and silently planned a wedding. Her safety was all I was concerned with. If she was safe, I would do anything to keep it that way; he knew this and used it to his advantage.

That pregnancy was the worst, but with all four of them, a little more of myself was buried and silenced. Not one of my children I planned to have. And every single one of them was forced upon me. I may have dug myself into a hole so deep that I cannot escape from, but that doesn't mean it's the life I want them to have. Over the years, little has changed. The man I married is still a monster - to me. He is a good father though. It is my goal to affirm my children that they are more, that they deserve the best, and that they are truly loved.

BABY #1 - Baby Girl

You are not a mistake or leverage, no matter what your father says, does, or implies. Remember that always. I would pick you a thousand times over. You are worth it.  

You are my brilliant, mothering, helpful little girl. You have a big heart and kindness thst goes beyond reason. You desire to nurture and care for those around you. I am proud to be your Mama. Your quiet and gentle nature keeps me in check. You help me so much that I almost depend on you to make it through the day. I find strength in you, and that is a heavy burden, I know. I want you to live carefree and just be a kid. You grew up too fast, and I could do nothing to stop it. I love how you want to help your sisters and how you jump in to teach them new things. Often, you help them so much that I feel like I'm not important or needed at all. It's hard for me to see and notice that. However, that just shows how strong and amazing you really are. I am excited to watch you continue to grow and learn. I know you teach me how to spread love with a touch. You're not a curse, no matter how vile my thoughts were when I first found out about you. I despised being raped and I hated the result, but I never blamed you for that. You are not at fault. You became my first forever blessing and I love you dearly. I always will. Nothing you can say or do will make me hate you. You are my sweet snowflake: unique, beautiful, and leaving people in awe. 

BABY #2 - Baby Doll

With two of you in my care now, my protective nature went into overdrive. The day I demanded help, your father threw your 14 month old sister across the room, where she landed and bounced on the bed. Her eyes rolled and she cried. Something wasn't right, but I had to stand between her and him. Then he tried to pluck you from my arms. At a month old, I wasn't giving you up that easy and letting him throw you too. Even though I was exhausted, overwhelmed, and tired of the crying, I insisted I had changed my mind and that I could handle it myself. The next day, instead of taking you two to daycare so I could go to work, I went straight to the police station and filed a restraining order. Then with seven dollars to my name, I found a way back to my hometown, seven hours away. I looked at you and wept. You disliked being held. I was an unfit mother and nobody could ever see me in a positive light. So after seven months of hearing those lies and being dragged to court where evidence of me kidnapping you two was overwhelming and evidence of his abusive nature was non-existent, I crawled back to your father, because that was the only way I could keep you. All charges were dropped and I began to fear for my life. He was the perfect father: caring, nurturing, attentive, and devoted. But he wasn't the perfect husband. He chained me to the fridge. It was long enough I could move about, but couldn't reach the door. I wasn't allowed to work any more. He took my phone with him daily. I set up baby gates to keep you and your sister contained to the living room and kitchen - the only places I could go. Every night, in our bed, your father would demand proof I would never run away again; I had none to give. Nothing I could say would convince him. So I became the silent and dutiful wife. Before your first birthday, my shackles were finally lifted - just in the knick of time too! You were starting to talk. You were curious and pointed things out no one would pick up on. In public, you tried to show the welts from my shackles. Life was about to take an interesting twist and I had no desire to tell you or your sister about imprisonment, abuse, or what I had was not love. So I remained positive and encouraged you two to be uplitlfting, even if at first it felt like a lie to me.

You are my wild child. I absolutely love how you press the limits and try new things. Your attention to detail surprises me. I love how you can master any size puzzle with little to no help. You are incredibly smart! At age five, you figured out two sides of a rubix cube before you got bored with it. You are crazy and full of laughter. You make it easier for me to step back and find the good and the humor in any situation. You are honest and true. You listen to the rules, try to follow them, but ultimately tweak them so they fit your lifestyle. You are sweet and innocent and take things too literal at times, but I love you for it. With you, I am reminded that even on the darkest days, a little smile and some laughter can go a long ways. You creep up on people and tug on their heartstrings. I love that it is natural for you to spread joy. You make me a better mother and I know I'm hard on you; I only want you to not hold back and use all of your potential. I'm sorry that I constantly fail you and that you tremble in your father's presence. You are my strength and light that he wants to snuff out. There is nothing wrong with you. I am so proud of you. I love your quiet side as much as I live your crazy, fun-loving side. I love you, more than words can express. I fear you'll be the one that experiences the most broken hearts of the bunch, but I know you will always be able to pull yourself up and press on. You don't ever let things hold you back or slow you down and seem to bounce back quickly. I admire that about you. You are my spring beauty: blooming after a harsh winter and spreading color (joy) wherever you go.

BABY #3 - Baby Cakes

You are the reason your father's behavior changed drastically towards you guys. We were told we were expecting a little boy while I was pregnant with you. It saddened me some that he was basically only after a little boy. I knew girls could do just as much as boys could do just as much as boys if given the chance. Part of me was excited; a boy meant a t-shirt and shorts and we could be out the door. Girls require accessories, frills, and more. I love that stuff, don't get me wrong. I love making you girls look fancy with a new hairstyle. I love watching you all dress up and show your personality through your outfits. Having a boy excited me because life wouldn't just be about princesses, fairies, and baby dolls any more. (Disclaimer - my girls love dragons, dinosaurs, derby cars, mud, and sports on top of those "girly" things. When they were younger they didn't.) However, part of me was also terrified to have a boy, someone that would keep his last name and keep the line going. Your father is a despicable man, and having a boy that would grow up in those footsteps frightened me. However he changed. He starting spending more time alone with your older sisters. He loosened the grasp on my leash and gave me a little more freedom. He became less selfish and more family oriented. I remained ever skeptical and silent.

From the day you were born, you were a surprise. A girl, not a boy as the ultrasound showed. You are a delight and a gift. I love you for who you are. You gave me the courage to stand up for myself. You encouraged me to branch out and buy things traditionally set aside for boys. You challenge me to be my best, and you easily forgive me when I miss the mark. That makes me so proud. You offer praise when I am feeling down. You are the most positive person in our family. You always compliment everyone. You're never shy in telling people how pretty they are. I am guilty in looking at you when you say that as I think, "what's your angle, kid? What do you want?" However, you never speak those words with malicious intent; you are always sincere. You are my inspiration. Your kind heart has brought you far and I know it will take you to wondrous places. You are my summer day: full of light and warmth, extended so others can enjoy the sun more, and full of endless possibilities.

BABY #4 - Baby Bear

You were by far my worst pregnancy. Only because I never felt you move. In my seventh month, I begged and pleaded with you to move so I could feel you. To me, losing a child was a worse fate than suffering under an abusive thumb. I was attached to a portable heart rate monitor non-stop. It was the only way I could make sure you were okay. When I wrapped my arms around my belly before crying myself to sleep, I would call you my teddy bear. Teddy bears are there to eliminate a child's fear, but I needed you to take my fear away. I was truly alone. Your father became a drunk and would go home with whoever he wanted to. I knew I never mattered, but it crushed me that he would just do that to your sisters. I got creative. I never said he doesn't love them. I said he worked late, needed a break, or was trying to make new friends. It destroyed me to lie, but I couldn't look into three pairs of blue, crying eyes and tell them that their father didn't care about any of us. I couldn't tell them that we were an after thought. I couldn't tell them that he admitted in thinking that they were a mistake, that all four of you were. 

When I held in my arms for the first time, alive and healthy, I cried tears of joy. I told you that you are precious, loved, and beautiful. Then you opened your brown eyes and stared at me. You are the only one that has your father's dark eyes and hair. Seeing that, it took me by surprise, but I didn't hate you for it. Your eyes are full of love, his full of disgust. You are spirited and rambunctious. You are sassy yet sweet. You are my little warrior and protector. You are the first to run as fast as your little legs will take you towards kids who are fighting and crying. You always go after the bully. You defend what is right and comfort those who hurt. You understand so much for being so little. You are currently still working on your own emotions, but I look forward to watching you grow. I have a feeling, if a boy breaks one of your sisters' hearts, you will be the first one there telling him what's up. I love how you keep me on my toes. I love how you move to the rhythm of your own beat. You press my buttons and drive me wild, but I can't picture life without you. I am proud of you and impressed with your problem solving methods. You are my autumn breeze: cool enough to make you bundle up (keep my emotions in check), inviting enough to play with, and strong enough to make a change.

TO ALL FOUR OF YOU

Inside and out, you are beautiful. You make my day, my year. You are my whole life. I am exceptionally blessed to be your mother. I often feel like a failure. However, each and every single one of you prove that thought process wrong. The world is going to try and make you think and act a certain way. I don't want you to sell yourself short. I want you to remain true to who you are and find your own way. You are smart, fun, considerate, honest, loving, and overall great kids. The world is going to tell you what they think the perfect girl is. I'm here to tell you, perfect is not a standard you'll ever be able to meet, because their standards will never stay the same. They will try - and most likely succeed- to make you doubt yourself. You will hate yourself, your appearance, and eventually even me. Right now, I know you are perfect just the way you are and need some refinement. Yes, I know change is welcome and encouraged. I know I am not perfect. I won't force you to fit into a mold. I can't stop you from making mistakes. I can only encourage young pick yourself up again and try again. I am so proud of the young ladies you are turning into. I hope I can show you the door to love. I hope you believe me when I say you are incredibly strong. I hope you find the best in every situation. I need you to always believe in yourself, always defend your sisters and their honor, and to know that you are never alone. I understand life isn't always unicorns and rainbows. I will always be here for you. Tell me anything and everything. I love your stories. I want to know what excited you and what scares you. I want to see you bloom, and I pray it's never in adversity. You are fortunate to have three sisters each, that means -in the long run- you'll always have friends in your corner. Don't let the weight of the world sit on your shoulders. Own your confidence and be the change in the world that is needed. Remain positive. Keep smiling. Press on. I love you all so much. Now and forever. You are my greatest blessings.