One Life

One life,
one person,
so many mistakes,
so little time to make more,
with one person so fucked up,
who would want to be me?
who would want to know me?
who really cares about me?
not even I care about me anymore.

I know I will not ever sit back,
and be second to anyone,
but yet I have no desire to even care about me.

At this time,
I don't even care about living.
I refuse to ever commit suicide,
always a permanant solution to a temporary problem,
even as fucked up as I am right now
I know this,
but still I have no desire to go on,
I have no want to live,

I don't even want the next breath that comes into my chest.
Yep I know I am fucked up,
don't want to live anymore,
but too afraid to do anything about it.
Wow am I really that much of a p***y?
Am I really that lacking in what my life is about?
At the age of 39, I just don't seem to know anything at all anymore.
If there was someway to end my life,
without my input into it,
I would have no problem with this.
I am not afraid of dieing,
It is inevitable for us all,
this I know,
so why be afraid of something that you have no control over?
I can honestly tell you that,
at this point in my life,
I do not believe in a God,
I do not believe that if there was a God,
that he would continue to let someone so fucked up walk around,
to take in air that someone that is more earning could use.
to waste water on that person,
to never show that he lives to that person.
Why would a God allow this person to go on?
wouldn't he step in some time,
and say dude your one fucked up individual?
Wouldn't you want to come in and get in out of the storm?
Never happened to me.
I went to church when I was a young man,
and to me it was nothing but a bunch of hipocrits,
they would sit back and preach about how you should live your life,
how you shouldnt commit adultery,
how you shouldnt steal from people,
how you shouldnt drink,
smoke,
talk mean to someone,
but yet as soon as they left the church,
most of them went about this life,
that they blasted so much,
So see I have my reasons for not beleiving,
in anything other then what I see around me,
and yes some say wow what a wonderful creation
God has made for us to see,
that the trees turning colors every fallare a miracle on earth,
well sorry to burst your bubble but evolution brought that about,
I can walk into any musuem,
and see skeletons,
that once walked upon this earth,
But yet I can not walk into a church,
and see this type of proof,
I can read it in the "good book"
but does this mean that a comic book is true as well?
What if religion is nothing more then someone sick joke from way back when?
What if King James knew that people had to have something to beleive in,
and he just decided to write this book,
to give his kingdom hope.
Has anyone ever thought about this?
Ok sure we have proof,
of jesus christ walking the earth,
what if jesus was just a loving human like the rest of us can be,
what if he was nothing more then a caregiver that just loved poeple?
what if he just loved his brothers and sisters so much that he felt the need to live for them?
Yes I know the entire thing that God so loved us that he let his only begotten son suffer for out sins.
Ok so why is it that God never walked the earth as a human?
Why is it that he took the form of man only in the eyes of those that believe in his book?
All of these why's that I have are the reason why I do not think that there is a God,
if he really existed he would just let me extinguish myself,
erase me from everyone memory,
as you would an old hard drive!!!
 

Reviews

[Ellen Tylor]

Wow..........such angst! I really like the line about asking God to let you "extingish" yourself. Very descriptive. But I have known you for a hundred years and would certainly NOT want that to happen. Keep writing and expressing yourself!

-et

[nettkellar]

You jump around too much on this one