Parasailing with Jesus

A Story by Russ Teed

Weapon of Mass destruction, hot dogs, and seagulls

On the first warm spring day after a long cold New England winter, I decided to pursue parasailing for some relaxation and recreation. After influencing my mini-bikini swim trunks with Vaseline and a shoe horn I broached my platform to parasailing pleasure.

Here is a real-time live account of the experience unfolding:

Okay, the boat is just about to take off…WHOOOOAH! I’m being pulled directly into a flock of seagulls. But they ran, they ran so far away. I’m bEiNg dRaGgeD aLoNg tHe bEaCh. OUCH.. OOOCH, AHHH, WATCH OUT KID! Wow, he OOOF, that kiD bUoNcEd off Me liKe I’m a tRampOliNe… nIce distance too.

Okay, I made it off the ground, but I can’t say the same for my trunks. I certainly hope the previous contents of my trunks are unfettered. I did manage to hold on to my six-pack though.

I’m approximately 60 feet above the water and I yelled down, “Hey, I can see my house from here”. Oh no, another flock of seagulls dead ahead! As I’m calculating the odds of running into two flocks of seagulls in one day " never mind a lifetime " I realized that I was losing altitude, and fast.

I just received the last blow from the buckshot bombardment of the ocean birds and I’m thinking “You know, I wish my dog could drive so I could be the one sticking my head out the window with the air filling my cheeks and my tongue slapping my face.”

I can clearly see that the cords connecting me to the boat had broken away and I’m gliding right toward a hot dog stand. Uh oh, that’s the Catholic hot dog stand, hey I wonder if they have sauerkraut?

It looks like they are recreating the ‘last supper’, ironically they may just experience one. Yes, it looks like they are praying like its Mass time. I hope they aren’t praying that they never get hit by a failed naked parasailer at a Catholic hot dog stand during Mass prayer time.

OMG! People and frankfurters are a-flyin and screaming out of terror to the point where I almost couldn’t finish eating the hot dog that I’d found.

When the dust settled I wondered how these folks can segway from praying to beating me mercilessly with bibles, crosses, and cooking utensils.

Well, the last ambulance took away the last appalled apostle, I’m swimming in condiments, my face is covered with sauerkraut, and my belly now full, and I thought “hey, this is so cool, I’m a weapon of Mass destruction, LOL LOL LOL!”