A human cannonball popcorn machine

A Story by Russ Teed

Idiotic rhetoric performed by an idiot

The human cannonball popcorn machine

Keep in mind that I am a 6’ 3” galoot scaling in at nearly 300 pounds while envisioning this yarn:

I ventured off on a cloudy brisk New England day to the local YMCA for a relaxing indoor swim.

As I labor the distance from the parking lot to my pre-heated pool of pleasure I thought to myself; “I bet octopuses don’t ‘high five’ one another because of them suction cups on their tentacles. Wow, that sentence could have been a literary nightmare with one misspelling of a word, lol lol!”

After shoe-horning my speedos on, I applied my eye drops �" doctors’ orders. Inadvertently I had squirted nasal decongestant into my peepers thinking it was my eye drops. My peripheral vision was incredible but my pupils were whistling.

With foggy eyes I found my way to the diving board and yelled “OLLY OLLY OXEN FREE!”

I militaristically trot up to my exit point on the board and jump toward the ceiling. Landing on the launching part with all the grace of Nadia Comaneci on a balance beam I arced the plank to the point where it dolloped the water.

I was catapulted upward nearly to the rafters and while I was up there I thought “I bet powdered milk comes from cows that live in the desert”. Gravity then thrusts me downward at warp speed as I curled into my famed cannonball formation.

Unbeknownst to me a school of children were receiving swimming lessons at the time �" 55 kids/victims to be exact.

The ensuing Tsunami upon my entrance hurled children, floating apparatuses, and instructors projectile-style into the bleachers like popcorn popping in a popcorn machine �" Orville Redenbacher would’ve been impressed.

When I climbed out of the angry waters I realized that my speedos had imploded upon impact. I was greeted with dozens of angry moms who egregiously introduced me to their rapid fire onslaught of rotisserie hand bags. These particular angry moms can lay out one heck of a decent beating I must admit.

The police were nice, my membership was cancelled, and I can’t find my eye drops.

Moral; Never spray your eyes with nasal spray while wearing undersized speedos and cannonball children when their mothers are present and don’t sit in the back seat of a police car naked allowing your own wet skin to near-permanently leave you suction-cupped to the aforementioned seat.