Love, loss and life

A Story by Russ

?? getting on with my life.

2013 They tell me to stay away from you, get on with my own life.
"Seeing her is only going to bring you pain", "she doesn't want you any more" they say.
Well I have never been good at listening too what people tell me,
maybe I want to feel pain, the greater the loss the more it should hurt, really.
It has been six months now since you first mentioned a trial separation, and I am now so sick of thinking, writing and talking about it. Justifying to myself and others why we aren't still together, when the truth be told I don't think that I will ever know.
I have been told all sorts of advice," Don't not make yourself so available too her ", " If she calls don't answer ", "Make her miss you " "Find someone new " or my favorite is " Just go f**k someone ".

Every time you would contact me, my heart would start pounding, I feel this excitement go through me. But it is than followed by a huge low when I realized, that we are no longer together. The way that you wrote reminded me of this, it was cold, one way conversions, I feel like you were only doing it when you are bored, never really asking about me, because I think you already knew the answer. Than just like that, you would stop, and nothing for another day.

The day after Christmas our first christmas apart I finally started to heal, I woke up in the morning and read the reply to my email, what I got for the first time from you was honestly. With this honestly my hope for us getting back together had just disappeared. I realized that I could no longer spend the rest of my life missing someone, who doesn't want to be missed.
You will never know but that was the best Christmas present ever, you gave me back my life. 2017 I now read what I once written four years earlier, a lot of it still feels real and raw . Life has changed so much for me since than , but I know now that I wasn't even close to being over you. Even now I have days were I wish we were still together or can't believe that we are not . But I have learnt that I didn't need to get over you I just needed to except that it was over between us and let the healing begin. It actually wasn't until two more years later in 2015 that my healing started to begin . I had started to take control of my life again, I quit the job that had been making me miserable . Giving notice without any other job lined up , taking a risk that it would all work out . It was the night of my last day at work I had just gone to bed , ready to wake up to my new life, I decided to check my phone before sleeping. Thats when I saw it, it was a Facebook notification saying that you were now in a relationship, as stupid as it sounds especially being Facebook and all but it teared me to bits. Even know we weren't together , you were still in my life spending me message , even saying that you missed me. Seeing you with someone else changed all of this . The last message I wrote you might of come across as passive aggressive and it probably was because I was hurting so much . It wrote a little like this " I know now that you are finally happy and that's what I had always wanted for you . I will leave you now to live your life together as it isnt right for the past to interfere with the future, I will always love you , bye " I cried so much after writing this , even now I feel sad thinking about it . It just isn't something that you would think that you would write to the one that you once loved , someone who you planned to share your life with. Your response was short and to the point " Ok " with that my life that I now know started .