i yield, a self inflicted eulogy

the weight of gravity
crushes my spirit
dragging me down
into moments of quiet,
shielded by a reflection of presence

sitting in a warmth of those reflections
on the path of a special thought,
briefly taken outside this world
released for a moment that often
traps me in thick molasses
where everything sticks,
where it's hard to move
like hypnosis,
stuck in perplexity,
transfixed in absurdity

then softly,
as of the thin air
a quiet,
a peace,
a love,
an appreciation
for the Father,
of my spirit,
for his,
merged with mine
for one precious moment,
let it last forever

he speaks in my thoughts,
his love,
his truth,
makes my breathing slow,
i feel clean

i pray it lasts
like deja vu
i know it won't

it doesn't,
i acquiece
i hang on the edge
i let go
i am here

and then it goes
disappears
like deja vu
i knew it would
he'll visit me again,
i know

and i am gone,
for now i am
alone again
back in the mix
tainted reality
heavy weight

hear me,
i am nothing
obliterate me
erase me from your thoughts
O Father,
banish me from memory
it would all be worth it,
to just completely let go
so my breaking heart will no longer hurt

i know you won't,
you won't let me go

i want nothing,
just obliteration,
from my memory
and yours,
of me

the thought of hell,
the stain,
it breaks my heart in agony,
i know you won't let go of me

i know you want me
i know you love me,
died for me
you will be back

is it possible?
no looking back
no debt owed?

no prize bestowed
just everlasting peace
everlasting unconscienceness
eternal obscurity,
due the dread, the threat
the thought of flames
the why that licks
the face of utter frustration,
the misunderstanding,
the weak of skin,
the rags that cover us
that cloak our pride
our bones that break
and rot and turn to dust

the gone of stable
the last of calm,
the shattered wars inside and out
surrounds, embeds every pore
torn, festered wounds on every side
the wear of fight
the rise of pride
the never ending scorn
the sick of arrogance
the boast of nothing,
empty gone,
its never ending host,
man is nothing without God!

my heart yields,
my love erupts
tears emerge
my heart swells,
uncontained
i melt into the everlasting
into the shadow of his wings,
by invisible sustenance,
for i am not my own

the knowledge,
the feel of love
beyond the weight
the dangers are too great,
it's hard to see
when what others cannot see,
the things i wish that they could see,
that i have seen,
that brings immortal life,
and even i who have the keys to see
it's hard for me
O Son of God set us free
in our technology,
so much blasphemy!

i knew you'd be back
into my thoughts,
into my heart,
despite myself

despite the mileu of perplexity
into the midst of the harsh,
the rasp of,
the sting of,
the drag of,
this prison planet,
its consequences

i yield
and fall
i let go
i am yours,
helplessly yours,
take me to the place
to sacifice it all instead,
though others yield to walk away instead

do with me what you will
for out of nothing i came
into this awareness,
this confusion,
with knowledge comes much pain

every bit,
all of it,
beyond my control,
i yield

i live
i sleep
i move
i do,
hell or heaven,
there is no other recourse
there,
i've reached a point
i can't let go
i can't let go of you
and those i know,
someday soon for all, will be too late

every thought hurts
i cannot go,
i do not want to go
without the ones i love
i cannot spend eternity without them,
or you,
so i'd rather go with no remembrance,
obliteration,
but i am a prisoner bound
without a will,
my words come out of mortal vague thoughts,
borne of weak and fallen mind

your will be done,
i will to die
just by default i go,
with a broken heart

my feelings are all i have,
guide me in every way,
otherwise,
destroy me
not of pity i say for me
out of simple weakness
i yield

no prize to want
nor to gain
all i wish i had to have
i cannot grasp
i never will
upon this frozen landscape still
the free
the high
the beautiful, pristine,
the love,
the truth
is all i ask
the end,
the beginning

no lust
no hunger
no competition, envy
just the wish for you to set us free

in this i lay myself out flat
upon the ground of hopelessness
though a flame,
a spark though small,
is ready to ignite,
that it will come alive
at your touch

i am yours,
love and all
all for love,
the price is paid,
you died for me,
i yield,
you gave it all for me