choice, final moments II

i was helpless on a gurney
it was cold,
the thin blanket could do little 
against the cold of stainless steel and stark hospital air
i was helpless, 
no button for help for to push,
no one to come and attend 
although i could have bellowed out a yell
i chose to lie prone on my back
to endure the discomfort
the nasal headache i felt,
the aches in my joints,
the cold, 
the murmur of clinical voices exchange with patients and nurse
i chose to lie in my discomfort 
as i wondered of a slow, starving death
just contemplating to pass the time 
to keep from falling weak
i chose to yield to the helplessness,
as i considered those in the civil war
soldiers whose legs were sawn off while they remained conscious
under a dingied canvas tent
morphine unavailable, or short supply
sawn legs, blood cries, entrials festering bandages
excruciating, ungodly pain, immune to the whiskey,
its vain, feeble attempt to stand in the place of morphine and such
ungodly screams, the smell of sweat, vomit and bile
unconsciousness replaced by reality of opening eyes 
and seeing a missing limb lying on the soiled ground,
smelling the odors of putrid death,
waking to the nightmare of reality called war and ungodly pain

i chose to lie on my hospital gurney today and tolerate the discomfort
of cold, hunger and freedom
the freedom to move up and around
i considered pulling the lactose IV from my forearm and bolting,
but chose to remain sequestered for reasons of expediency,
affecting my health and my loved ones, primarily my wife
who diligently awaited in the proximate room

i considered a neutron detonation over the city
and backup generators failing with mad scrambles of humanity
willy and nilly and sidekick pell mell
i considered bolting,
but i acquiesced to my vulnerability realizing that all,
all of us are but one step shy of death and oblivion,
but until that moment comes, it is simply by self control,
a matter of lying in patient peace against the grain of chaos,
to simply lie in repose discomfort and all
accept the precursors of ancestors' plight
comparative is my condition skin deep to them
whether one is proud or humble,
whether egotistical and believing in self sufficiency
or not, the same fate awaits
in various forms

i chose to lie in repose, 
fully awake as i pondered and analyzed,
being impatient, annoyed, insistent or demanding
won't change a thing
if i were in a dungeon, chained to a dank wall, roaches thriving in filth surrounding,
if sewer rats skirmished upon and across my naked and dank legs
nibbling at my toes in the sleepless dark,
if on the morrow my head were to swing from the gallows
as i considered of those, some innocent, to which it occurred, . . .
,. . . i am here in relative comfort except for the span of time, its duration
i am still alive, seeking my freedom,
perhaps i should bolt

how helpless we are o man, o woman inclusive,
the boaster will shout, boast of his self sufficiency,
in need of no one, 
by his boot straps he'll work and will live,
and yet consider with me if you would for a moment,
if anything to just pass the time . . .

. . . your milk and your eggs, o man of the city,
the health of your body or mind,
the food that you drink and that which you eat,
thousands of hands' process to get,
the growing, the killing, the process, the package,
the work that it takes to draw every breath, 
the clothes that you wear, the medicines too,
don't just grow on trees, they're vital to live
we do little but eat, sleep and we go,
from place to place, we pull out the currency
taking for granted its there for the taking
by our specialized work, by our government's help,
or living with friends, relatives or loved ones
but all of it could quickly vanish

I choose not to bolt for the good of mankind, 
what so ever little part it may be,
 I choose to never relinquish the plan,
the goal and the plot, 
i am not mine own, 
I belong to a king, 
who, though invisible now, will require an accounting of me,

i choose to live despite the drudge and the pain, 
to believe for the best and the way fair, for the good 

I chose to remain on my gurney ' 'til and when such things are culminated to the fullness  at end of God's plan,
when i found myself awake and surrounded by kin