age 3's earliest recollection

vague earliest misty memories of first post congenital thoughts

i stepped back from my spinning head,
my embittered heart
contemplated your love for me
only years later, much later
you did appear in my life

i was a simple creature in a lonely hell
a bit of earth's heaven mixed within
didn't know who i was, no clue
none at all
entered into the dark,
the gray
this world of pain and death

outside my will, no will
void, no road, 
no heart, no mind
none to follow
blindly lead without aim
lost, existence mere
coping cracks in the floor
roaches hiding in the knot filled walls
and in my head

dark nights, black dreams
frightened screams,
little love, none above

in the beginning
my sordid soiled past,
born into a dim world

in the beginning God created
the heavens and the earth

i was without form and void
lonely helpless,
midst cries of pain,
in silence sustained,
repressed oppressed

my dream reality was fear;
it was the most I felt,
walking dead
kicks in the night,
a stab,
prickly pierce at threshold of chest

a frightened boy,
quiet unseen, tears bewildered,
i was,
i just was,
just in this world,

the skipping white lines on the black asphalt slid fast past 
i was sitting on the steps of a moving bus,
that was all,
there was no meaning to it,
i just was,
heading south on a bus

in the beginning God created 
the heavens and the earth

i lived in loneliness and pain
surrounded by multitudes
at age fit for self destruction
none but one or two gave me the key
to life eternal,
set the stage for escape from hell's inferno

God moved upon the surface of my deep
and i met his son, Jesus the Christ

God said, "Let there be light"
i stepped back from my spinning head,
my embittered heart
contemplated your love for me
you did appear in my life
your spirit moved upon the face of my deepest void
and there was light upon my soul