In the Dark

We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light. Plato

He slumbers in the dark

of doorways

his eyes burn into me

just as a cigarette mark.

 

A church bell

misses the beats of my heart

ticked by, ticked away in fright.

 

Street corners

become wide bows now.

 

Bent outwards

light has been sucked

out of the shadow

of the night.

 

You can see him in my eyes

he is watching me

you can hear him in my cries.

 

© Rudi J.P. Lejaeghere

Reviews

[Delmar Cooper]

An excellent rendition into words of the universal concept, fear. You told me in a previous post that you wanted information about your English usage. Here is something about that:

"his eyes burn in me
just as a cigarette mark." I mentally read this, in my English speaking mind, as "right now, inside me(inside my body or inside my psyche-soul) his eyes have left the scar (mark) of a lit cigarette." So to this reader it feels past tense not the present tense that I think you intend. Suggest that "eyes burn into me" actuates the verb better to show what is happening to the observer - even if it is a memory. A lit cigarette leaves a mark once it has been applied to skin. I think you mean here the actual crushing of a hot ember into flesh, not an approximation-result of a past event.

Suggest "ticked by, ticked away.." rather than the conjunction. Suggest "bent" rather than "bended".
"Light has been sucked out of the shadow of the night" is musical and metrical, but what exactly does it mean? What happens to a shadow once light has been vacuumed away? I consider this the best opportunity for "poetry" in the poem.
Suggest you consider omission of "still" and "also" in the last verse. They dillute the horror.

Written with helpful intent and only observations. The poem will stand on two legs as written.

[Rudi J.P. Lejaeghere]

That's what I call constructive critiques, I can learn from such remarks. I totally understand what you have explained and I'm glad you say that the poem stands as it is. Thank you for your time reviewing my poem. :)
Rudi

[Rudi J.P. Lejaeghere]

Taking into account your remarks, I find that it reads even better, so I've changed it. Thanks again. :)
Rudi

[Tasfia Islam]

its an excellent poem...... i loved it

[Rudi J.P. Lejaeghere]

Thank you for your kind remarks. I'm glad you loved it. :)

Rudi