Open Letter

Raw and real. Putting it all out there in the name of Art! To whom I owe everything!

I haven't kept a regular journal for quite some time, but I'm in the midst of a breakdown of sorts and there's some s**t I need to get off my chest..  

Where do I start? Like, who turned the lights out? Everything was good.. I was slowly making my way toward the light. Yeah, okay, things weren't perfect.. but I was genuinely optimistic about the future. Work is going great, I'm loving what I'm doing, I was starting to get back into weight training, which is hugely therapeutic for me. For the first time in years I could see the light. I wanted to live, I was starting to believe that I could beat this addiction of mine. I've always been a dreamer, but some of those dreams were starting to look achievable. Could I really experience genuine happiness again? Find peace of mind? Who knows, maybe I could be proud of myself someday. 

Then it all changed. I was swept up by the darkness so quickly that before I even knew what was happening I was back to using twice or more a day, I'd lost all hope, and now I'm facing the fact that I may have to accept the fact that this is it for me, this is my life. I tasted the forbidden fruit, and there's no coming back from that.

- I won't be meeting an amazing woman and falling in love, marrying her and starting a family of my own. 

- I won't be surrounded by genuine people. 

- I'll never have those mates that truly care about you, that you know would do anything for you, that you know would have your back no matter what, friends you can trust. 

- I'll never reconnect with my family. Things will never be the same with Mum, with my Sister. We get more and more distant as each day passes by. In fact, I'm fairly sure that Mum has finally let go. Finally accepted that her only son, the boy she loved so much, is gone forever. 

- Most certain of all, I will not achieve the one thing I've dreamt of since I was a child. The dream that has tormented me my whole life. Between torrents of woe and sporadic eruptions of passion there's an ache within me that I believe is the source of the pain and angst that I've dedicated my life to burying. This ache is my fear of living a life without purpose, without meaning.

I wanted to be remembered, I wanted to leave my mark on the world. I wanted to inspire. The way I'm inspired by my idols. They let us into their minds, shared their wisdom with us, and their words will be breathing life and opening minds for centuries to come. 

Perhaps it's a tad ambitious to aim for such heights.

This is a recent discovery as I've found it much easier to divert my consciousness by surrounding myself with chaos, running as fast as I could along the road of excess, and obliterating the senses. A few things I picked up from my good friends William Blake and Arthur Rimbaud.

~ RubbęrSøul

Author's Note

This is all 100% true. I didn't spend a lot of time on it like I do with my poems, it just came out of me, Stream-Of-Consciousness style, like my man Jack Kerouac.