Coffee and Polygamy

The story of a man who is discusses polygamy with another man in front of his girlfriend

The view from the coffee shop where I sat that day had a grand view of the Straight of Gibraltar with Morocco across the ocean. Africa was only a shadow in the distance that, at first, I thought were clouds in the horizon. I sat in the terrace of a coffee shop in Tarifa, Spain, playing with the tea spoon after I had used it to stir the sugar into my coffee. I’ve always been told that coffee should not be altered and that if I wanted to know the real taste of coffee I should have it black, with no milk. But, like usually, I don’t listen to what people say.

I was thinking about Marlene, who until that day, had been my girlfriend for nearly three years. The night before we had visited some friends in Seville, many of whom were her friends; some new acquaintances and others whom she had been friends with since the university. In any case, we had been part of a rather uncomfortable conversation, or at least it had been for me, introduced by Marcus, a photographer who had been traveling around Spain and whom Marlene had met in Germany a number of years ago during a semester as an exchange student.

Marcus was a sincere man, and possibly a very nice person, but I’d be a liar if I said I knew anything about him other than the fact that he was a photographer and that he liked photographing beautiful women nearly nude. I don’t like to judge people, it’s something I realized I did a whole lot when I was younger and I ended up burning a lot of bridges that way, let alone losing friends. So, despite the fact that Marcus bore an enormous presence and notorious popularity into the room, I was determined to treat him as I would anybody else, an equal. Until, the subject of our conversations drifted into relationships; where, rather tensely, I became defensive of my points of view on relationships.

“Well, in my opinion” he said. “Human beings are not monogamous by nature at all.”

“What do you mean?” asked an attendee of the party.

“I just don’t believe that human beings stop finding other people attractive by slapping a ring on and saying ‘oh hey, I’m prepared to f**k only one person now.’” he said sarcastically, careless of what anyone thought of the profanity.

Boldness is something I appreciate in people, and even sometimes I might find it funny. In the back of my head, although I didn’t want to admit it in front of Marlene, I knew he was right. I had lost count of how many occasions I had looked at other women and fantasized about, even with Marlene there. But, although Marcus had pointed something very true about ourselves, I was determined to stand up for my relationship with Marlene, whom I loved very dearly.

“Aren’t you married, Marcus?” I asked both puzzled and sarcastically, already patronizing his point of view.

“Me and my wife have been practicing non-monogamy for about a year now, and, here’s the thing, we’re extremely happy.” he said directing his statements back to the crowd that had now gathered around us upon hearing we were talking about f*****g other people.

“So, you have sex with other women?” I asked.

“Yes.” he answered.

“And she doesn’t mind it?”

“No. In fact, she thinks it’s perfectly normal.”

“And do you think it’s perfectly normal for her to be f*****g other guys?” I pushed the matter.

“Yes. Because, give or take, she will always have those thoughts, and I will too. There’s this misconception that if one carnally desires another person that all love and respect is lost in a relationship and that simply isn’t true. We both still love each other very much, and respect each other. We’ve always been honest to each other, and now that we’re in an open marriage, I feel like our honesty is above and beyond that of other couples who struggle to keep their desires and fantasies hidden from their partners.”

Marlene had not been a part of the conversation until this point when she had slowly drifted through the room when noticing that me and Marcus were engaging on a provocative conversation in front of other people.

“That’s nice for you Marcus, but that doesn’t mean other people are into that type of stuff.” I mentioned, trying to expel from my mind the thought of Marlene sleeping with another man, possibly one more attractive than me.

“The problem I have, Jake, is that people like you think they can escape these type of problems, but they will eventually surge in your relationship as well. They’re bound to.” he said. This is the moment Marcus took a step in the wrong direction. Not only did he persist this new found philosophy applied to me, he sought to make me confront the reality behind it, in front of my own girlfriend no less. I felt that if I dropped the subject, I would’ve conceded his point, or admitted that, at the very least, he was right that I, or Marlene, were subject, and powerless, to the fantasies that he claimed would one day ruin our relationship. The crowd of people now stared attentively at me waiting for my answer.

“Marcus look, we’re all humans here. To say we don’t have those type of thoughts would be kind of crazy. Of course we all find people attractive. But being in a relationship is about being committed to a person, and that commitment, I think, can be measured by how an individual chooses his partner over multiple others. That type of exclusivity is not something that should just be overrated.” I challenged respectfully.

“I think the measure of a commitment is based on the amount of love you have for a person, not how many times you choose not to screw somebody while secretly wanting to. The physical and the emotional, are two very different things.” he said.

“Oh, you think so? How do you distinguish between making love to your wife and making love to others?” I asked.

“I don’t make love to others, I have sex with them, there’s nothing emotional about it. It’s a moment of fun, we do it, and carry on with our lives like adults. When I make love to my wife I feel that its more special, it’s more about us.”

“About you? In what sense?” I pushed, aiming at something I found interesting about his philosophy.

“It’s about us. It’s about our time together. We do it with love.” he responded. I felt that he was beating around the bush, so I asked him a more direct question.

“Do other people satisfy you in ways your wife can’t?” I asked. Marcus seemed uncomfortable. I noticed his face change, suddenly smiling to hide the fact that I had cornered him into a very personal question. But, he did not hesitate to contest.

“Sometimes.” he answered reluctantly.

“Sometimes?” I asked. “And are you okay with thinking the opposite? That you don’t satisfy your wife in ways other men can?”

“I am.” he replied, standing his ground. “I know there are things that I can’t fulfill. Maybe I never will.”

“You see, Marcus, you’re sitting here trying to make us all believe that it should be fine to act upon our fantasies, but you’re a man that lives for his fantasies to such an extent that he cannot even determine how love making differs from sex, or how, in order to enjoy sex with your own wife, you need to fulfill your fantasies with other people rather than with her. Somehow, you’re trying to convince us that that’s a normal thing to do, and that if we don’t do it we’re the abnormal ones.” I answered.

“I never said that. I’m not trying to convince anyone of anything. I just talking about what works for my relationship.” he answered.

“But that’s what you’ve been saying all along. You believe humans aren’t monogamous. That’s what you said.” I followed.

“Okay, yes.” He admitted.

“Perhaps it’s the fact that your wife might not satisfy you in bed, or vice versa, that made you ‘act out your fantasies’ in the first place. Looking for something you simply couldn’t work with your wife.” I attacked directly.

“My wife is a fine person, Jake. She’s an excellent woman and fulfills me, and our relationship, in many ways.”

“Except in sex. That’s the real reason why you created a philosophy where you can get away with being sexually fulfilled with other people instead of a single person. How much more special is it if you need other people to fulfill what one person can’t? Yes, love can exist between you. Friendship can exist. Honesty, integrity, all of these are normal attributes of relationships, but ultimately, mainstreaming polygamy as a formidable alternative to monogamy doesn’t mean you cracked the puzzle on love, or relationships for that matter.” I said.

“Actually, Jake,” he said both defensively and intelligently, “there’s been studies that suggest that polygamous relationships are far happier than monogamous ones.”

“There were studies that suggested that Donald Trump wouldn’t become the president of the United States either, Marcus, and he is. Studies don’t mean anything. Pools don’t mean anything if at the heart of your philosophy you discover that you simply aren’t satisfied with your partner and are far happier screwing other people, devaluing the sexual relationship with your partner while trying to convince yourself that your love for them remains intact.” I continued.

“I don’t know what you’re trying to get at.” He admittedly replied.

“I’m trying to breach the gap between love and sex, Marcus. Where does it begin and where does it end? For you, love should withstand the fact that you might be imperfect and that, in any case, it may as well accept that imperfection and take it as something natural. For me, love is about proving that, although that natural imperfection may exist, it is not love that needs to withstand the natural urges, but you, who needs to withstand them. The strength of your character should define your commitment to that relationship just as it does in any other occasion. Take our relationship to each other for example. If we all acted upon our desires, what kind of world do you think we would live in? Would it sound reasonable that for a thief to make that alibi? I stole because I was hungry, or I killed because I was angry. Do you think as a society we should pardon those infractions because they were based on natural impulses? Why, then, would we ask the people we love, not just to pardon our infraction, and ultimately our weakness, but to live with it as if it was something natural?”

Marcus couldn’t answer the question, and instead chose to ignore me and excuse himself to the restroom. Marlene smiled briefly, but turned away, ashamed possibly, that I had been part of such a controversial topic of discussion among her friends. She voiced this uncomfortable position during the drive to Tarifa, where we would be spending three days in a hotel near the beach. She said she felt embarrassed that I had entertained such conversation with Marcus and that I should never talk about stuff like that in front of her friends.

As I sat in the cafe, I thought about confronting Marlene once again about the topic. I wanted to share that I did it to stand up for our relationship, and any other relationship for that matter. I did it to stand up for love and for the same romance we sometimes, so easily, undermine in pursuit of more pleasurable ideas. But, it was during this lonely meditation, stirring my coffee for the hundredth time, that a beautiful woman walked into the cafe.

She was short and petite, with long brunette hair and a bright smile on her face. Her dress was silky, yellow, and a bit see-through; which revealed a gorgeous body, as well a mature set of round bosoms. She walked up to the table right in front of me, which to her defense, also had a great view from the terrace. I didn’t blame her for choosing it.

Suddenly, I found it extremely ironic that I had been thinking about the conversation with Marcus when she walked in. I thought about Marlene in the beach, where she had chosen to go enjoy some sun while I decided to spend the morning drinking coffee by myself. The woman who sat across from me was certainly a lot more beautiful than Marlene, and noticeably younger. I tried not to look at her but I couldn’t resist. Specially after I noticed that she took a glance or two in my direction, smiling on the second one. There was no one else in the cafe’s terrace, so I knew at once the smile had been directed at me. I smiled back.

There was no doubt in my mind that the woman found me attractive, and that the only thing that prevented a good conversation from happening was my own reluctancy to engage her given my inner conflicts and my thoughts on the conversation that Marcus had triggered during the events of the night before. So, I pulled my wallet, took some bills out from it, left the money on the table and stood up to leave, winking at her as I walked to the stairs.

“Leaving so soon?” she said as I reached the stairs. I smiled and left without saying anything. A younger me jumped with excitement inside of my soul, crying out for the attention I had craved in my youth from beautiful women like her. But ultimately, I was not ready to cheat on Marlene that for me, even if our sex life wasn’t the greatest sometimes, had been, and possibly always would be, the only one for me.