Drowning

I WROTE THIS A LONG TIME AGO, I KNOW IT DOESN'T FLOW PERFECTLY BUT CUT ME A BIT OF SLACK!

Head throbbing

Heart pounding

Voices fading

Eyes clouding

Life is fleeting

Death is waiting

A black sea of my own creation

Drowning in my own imagination

Thoughts mixing in with memories

No one can hear me

And no one can save me

I'm slowly choking on the past

The more I struggle

The longer it lasts

All the good times are all dead

I'm slowly drowning in my head

The light has abandoned me

Water's surrounding me

Reality is fleeting

Is my heart still beating?

I guess I don't care anymore

There's nothing left to live for

Should I surrender to the deep?

Let the water lull me to sleep?

Author's Note

I WROTE THIS A LONG TIME AGO, I KNOW IT DOESN'T FLOW PERFECTLY BUT CUT ME A BIT OF SLACK! I edited it a bit, but I'm still not 100% happy with it, so suggestions are welcome!

Reviews

[M. L. Zane]

As usual, just needs a little trim. By now, you know how I do my reviews, so I'll get to the meat right away. "Death is waiting". You already implied that line previously, so no need to restate it. The poem's named drowning, and you mentioned life is fleeting...thus, somebody is under mortal threat. No need to include a thesis. As for the last two lines, I feel as if they don't compliment one another. As you're dealing with drowning, your ending should be a "cut off", and you ought to intentionally break rhythm. Drowning is a sharp pain in your lungs, an internal and sudden burning that never seems to end. Give us that sudden rush of pain. As to what to alter there, I am unsure. I'd have to think a bit deeper (pun intended) on it. Perhaps simply an acceptance of the "water lulls me to sleep" or some simple surrender to the depths. Let's have a darker ending, since you are obviously alive and hopefully not under mortal threat. You have skills in the dark. Fear nothing.

Regards,
-M. L. Zane

[nozone]

i like the work. If i may suggest, leave out, own, in (my own imagination). Thoughts (mixing) since you create a water scene a word more visual relating to liquid?

[Rose Diamond]

Those are very good suggestions, and I will keep them in mind. The reason those words are even in there is when I started this about 2 years ago, it was supposed to be a song, so I had to keep to a beat :P

[devon]

I really, really love this. It's very nicely penned.

Thoughts and imagination are deadly, beautiful creatures. "A gun provides the opportunity, but a thought pulls the trigger."

[Lucia]

I LOVE IT!

especially the "drowning in my own imagination" part. It is very good and very descriptive and i like it.