15

            Fifteen

Being fifteen is supposed to be a highlight of your life. You start dating, because you actually know what a relationship is now. You start drivers training, because next year you can start driving legally. You start posting basic pictures of you at the beach, because you think it’ll help you be like everyone else. You start doing so much for other people and not for yourself. You’re supposed to talk about boys with your best friends who are supposed to always be there for you no matter what. 365 days of being fourteen and being treated like a baby and now that you’re in a huge glamorous high school building everything is supposed to be marvelous and pleasant, right?  You open your eyes and nothing has changed, but at the same time everything has.

You’re in high school! Exciting, isn’t it? Isn’t the smell of marijuana radiating off an unknown person in the room just appetizing? Part of you wants to tell a teacher doesn’t it? That’s the thirteen part of you. I mean come on, you’re fifteen now, being a snitch isn’t the greatest way to start fitting in, is it? Instead you have to fit in, be one of them, and act normal.

Maybe I should try wearing my makeup like that, so my eyes look darker and give me more attention. That’s all fifteen year olds still want; attention. Blend in blend in blend in. Not only can you not fit in with what you’re wearing, but you’ve put so much makeup on your beautiful face that you look like an over frosted cookie. The kind that you could swipe your finger across with the most gentle and cautious touch and suddenly your finger changes color to the orange gobs you painted across your face.

It takes you awhile to make note of all the new things you have to teach yourself to do. Stuffing your bra? Check. Wearing fake glasses? Check. Flirting with the juniors and sophomores? Check. Even though none of this matters. You just don’t know it yet. You’re hiding your true self more and more everyday and soon enough, you lose all your friends from middle school. That’s another perk of being in high school.

“What are you doing to yourself,” they say.

“This isn’t you,” they yell down the hallway, but the only thing ringing in your ears is your sky high boots click against the floor while you walk in the opposite direction.

“They’re so lame, I think they’re obsessed with me or something.”

Talking about your best friends behind their backs? Check.

You’re in high school! Exciting, isn’t it? You have a new sense of freedom. As if you can do whatever you want now; it’s like you’re all grown up now. You have a more relaxed curfew, the list of rules you had to follow before are now simplified. A lot has changed, but the thing that’s changed the most is you. You’re changing for all these people you’ve barely known instead of staying with the honest and kind people you’ve known half your life.

“Sweetheart, where have you been?!” your Father bellowed from the living room as the new Shannara Chronicles season was silently playing on the 55 inch flat screen you begged to have put in your room.

“Relax Dad, traffic got a little backed up on the highway coming back from the mall,” you say in a calm and convincing tone.

Lie to parents about where you’ve been and what you were doing? Check.

You were actually going to the sports complex on the other side of the tracks and smoking a little. You’re new at this stuff and desperately want to find out who you are, but at the same time want to hide any tiny detail about you that doesn’t help you blend in with everyone else. Blend in Blend in Blend in. That’s all that matters here, right? Even if it means starting to drink every Friday night, risking getting caught or somehow getting involved with an upperclassman. It’s just living in the moment, we only get to be in high school once. We only get high school once.

What’s funny is that when you start drinking, a lot of things are said. A lot of things said that you didn’t want to tell anyone. You do a lot differently, not just by what you say. I mean, obviously the way you walk changes a little. The way you think, the way you laugh, the way you act around guys compared to girls. It all changes. Some guys start to see you as a toy. They can play around thinking you won’t care if they suddenly decide to move on to a different girl. Some might even endlessly fill your inbox with questions all summing up to, “Nudes please??”. Of course you have to fit in. So you send a few.

Then you actually stick around and start talking to a guy you actually think you like. So you start dating, late night phone calls begin, a once in a while sneaking out to see each other. You think you’re in love! This has got to last forever. You’ve never felt anything like it before and you’re just trying to live in the moment, because you’re only fifteen once. You’re like a small single sponge trying to soak up a whole oceans worth of experience before you turn sixteen.

All of a sudden you get dumped by the person you “wanted to spend the rest of your life with”, as if that were actually going to happen. However, you are fifteen so you’re optimistic like that and you’re just slightly blind to reality. Heartbreak sucks, doesn’t it? The empty pit in your stomach is the best, along with its partner the relentless pull at your heart that makes everything ache just a little more as time goes on. Oh, but don’t you want to know the best part? He spilled your secrets. Everyone knows about all of your embarrassing moments, such as your hopes and dreams of being a sociocultural anthropologist.

“What a geek,” they whisper quietly in the halls, as if you don’t already know what they’re saying.

“No wonder she got dumped.” That one hurt with a tedious burning sensation.

Had your heart broken by someone you really cared about? Check. Being alienated by fellow peers? Check.

You’re falling away; becoming more and more lost every day. It hurts so bad, this constant sucker punch rushing into your chest with every breath, as if you were trying to breathe in water. When in reality, you just want to come out of the dark depths and be in the sunny place with everyone else. Without a problem in the world. Numb it numb it numb it. All you want is to not feel like this anymore; it’s completely and thoroughly eating you alive. Maybe the real solution to not feeling like this is to not feel at all.

You don’t even realize this amazing life you still have to live. You don’t see it. Utterly blinded by society and broken down by the people you choose to surround yourself with everyday, you’re now crying on your long grey carpet while watching your river of tears soak into it like fresh rain. You have no one’s shoulder to lean on, no one to stop you from underestimating yourself, no one to tell you to put the blade away because you’re too beautiful to slice your olive skinned arms into bright pink and burning scars. That’s all you want to do. At least I’ll be able to feel something other than what I did before, maybe it’ll help. Lost all hope in yourself? Check.

Your Best Friend once upon a time sees the mess you’ve become over the last week. After that she couldn’t help herself. She promised she would always be there for you, and sometimes it just takes time to realize it. So she came over to talk to you, because she remembered your parents weren’t home and you were all alone. Little did you know she would be saving your life within the hour; lucky you.

She walked in and saw you holding Daddy’s hand gun you took out of his office desk to the side of your head crying. Congratulations high school students! You’ve made a fifteen year old girl not want to be alive anymore. Her heart fractured and shattered into a million pieces at the thought of losing you. You were her Best Friend, even after months of silence. You were utterly blinded by society, so much that you couldn’t see you were loved. You were paying such close attention to the judgement from others who weren’t even significant in your life, that you didn’t see those who really mattered. What would she do without you? How would you feel knowing you would have torn your Mothers heart and soul into trillions upon trillions of pieces as she would have to deal with the loss of her baby girl? You’re worth isn’t decided by the minds of others, it’s decided by you.

Suddenly it’s already a month later and you’ve been completely yourself. You’ve been one, two, three, and four by simply doing outgoing and absurd things out of random instinct. You’ve also been five, six, and seven by laughing and learning more about yourself. Along with that you’ve been seeing all the good in the world and the people around you. Along with those, you’ve been eight, nine, and ten by letting go of aged and atrocious habits that pulled you down into deeply rooted darkness. Eleven, twelve, and thirteen? Those years brought real and sincere people into your life that you won’t realize until you’re eighteen that made the greatest impact on who you’re becoming. Gained strength and confidence in yourself? Check.

You’re in high school! Exciting, isn’t it? 365 days later and fifteen is gone. The most substantial growth has occurred.  At fifteen, you’ve learned what it’s like to have no acceptance towards yourself, to believing that being you is the most beautiful, elegant, and fascinating self you could be. The way you see yourself is the most important thing now, not what others see. As sixteen comes along, you have a whole new adventure waiting to meet you. Planning to greet it with open arms? Check.