Love struggle

Lately I haven’t been the same , I just do not show my pain . Most of you religious people would say seek god , and those of you non religious people would say speak to someone about everything in your head . Honestly , I can not speak to anyone because everyone judges .

Yeah , I believe in god and what he is capable of . However, I feel abandoned as if everyone is against me . As if I am not allowed to be happy . Now let me rewind two years back . I met this boy , he stood out from all the rest .

Now this is not your typical writing all about me with the boring grammatically correct paragraphs . I am simply writing to you the way I would speak to you in person , not knowing what I will say next but I am not focused on the proper language or sentence structure . I just want to speak to you , tell you what I could not say in person .

I do not know why , I do not know how but when I looked him in the eyes it all made sense . As if I was meant for him and the other way around . We spent three months getting to know each other , experiencing new feelings new adventures together .

No one has ever accepted our  relationship . This includes close  friends  and family . Now , I have always told myself what do they know . They are not the ones that will be with them possibly for their entire life through thick and thin . Through health and sickness .

So time passes , we live great moments in life together and bad moments as well . We argue just as every other couple does . Eventually it all collapses on us and we separate , this goes on and off for some time . Then one day we split up and after a week or so he starts talking to someone else . I decide to go on a trip to vegas with a sister to distract myself from reality a bit .

I come back  and I see I received a message from him in the morning asking a question about a belonging of his that he could not find . Our conversation goes on to questions about each other and from there he showed signs that he wanted to give our relationship another shot and of course I love him so I agreed .

Me being me , I make sure he drops all contact with her and told him to cut her off which he did . He gave me proof of it and everything but since then our relationship was different . He was not the same and neither was I but we still had feelings toward one another .

Time passes , we break up again for about two weeks , he does drugs more than he did before and he gets a little comfortable with a female .I will never know what happened that day , all I know is he took pictures with her standing pretty close and smiling . He assures me til this very day that nothing happened . Anywho , the day I seen the pictures , I told him I wanted nothing with him and cut him off .

About a week or less passes , he messages me apologising saying he wants to meet up and talk about it . That day we met , I let my emotions get to me and I forgave him in the name of the love I have for him .

Call me naive or stupid but this boy means the world to me , and I am simply in love with him even after all we have been through . Now , we have more beautiful moments than we do bad ones but I want to share the bad to fully understand and believe in the good ones .

Fast forward to these past days or week , he has been more distant . A couple days ago he told me he got jumped in a gang…. My heart completely dropped . I could barely talk , I could barely take in the information he had just gave me . He notices the news hurt me and he tries to hug/kiss me .

He takes in my silence and responds saying if I still want to be with him and I said yes . He asks if I had anything to tell him and I respond with a no which he then makes me promise , which I did . In reality I had a lot to say to him but they were things I did not want to say , I let the words float around in my brain and let the feeling overtake my heart .

I start to think about all the dangers he would be in . The chance that one day I could lose him but I held my tears in . He leaves to get a little bear he had got me , I see it and I loved it . I suddenly got reminded of how much I love that boy and how I can not live without him .

He tells me to atleast face him and so I did . I then hugged him , thinking about how I did not want to lose him and I thought about his reason to joining . Which was that he was constantly getting death threats and gun points to his head . He did it for protection .

I then started to think about how I failed as a girlfriend . My job was to keep him out of trouble , enforce him to do better and not succumb to a dark path .

I go home , I realize I lost him . He no longer lives for me , he lives for his gang . Days pass , I try to enjoy every moment with him but it is not as easy as it sounds. The thought of him in the gang remains and his constant escapes to the streets of danger continue and I get consumed into the dark once more .

I begin to tell him how what he did was not right , that he did not think of me our our future kids . That he did not stop to think of the consequences . He did not think that he could be taken away from me , from his future kids .

He then says I am right , that he understands if I want to leave that he will not judge my decision . I then proceed to say I love him . He says he loves me to goodbye . I then say no , you are not going anywhere .

He says he is confused that he does not understand . I say , no one understands me . I tell him that regardless of how I do not like his decision , how I wish he did not have made it . I still love him , that I rather him be at my side than lose him .

He says he loves me that we will always be together and promises us and our kids a great future and so on  . I did not hesitate in believing his promises . I say all that to say this  , I believe love is strong . Love is pain . Love is beautiful . When you truly love someone you are willing to do whatever it is to keep them at your side . It may be seen as toxic and to some extent I agree but I know that as long as he is loyal to me I am loyal to him and I will put in all I can to keep us together .

Reviews

[Rose]

Hi , this was my first time ever writing about anything and publishing it for all to see . Thank you for reading .