Sonnet 3

Hope.

Now contending with my permanent tip, 
from suffering aboard this drunken ship.
Dipped into crests then dawning clouds at dusk;
My aquake steps are frail; my feet are husks. 

Indeed this rocking makes me mourn aloud

as the fading sky wraps me in it's shroud.

When I try walk, the fleeing comets' trails
don't lead, but latch, trying to choke my wails. 

So I bid stars to dub me with their rays

or relegate light to this bubbly gaze. 
I need not these see-sawing planks tonight, 
It's not with my soles that I wish to fight.

When the lurching decks make you want to dive, 
Recall the Arc, you're chosen to survive. 

Author's Note

How is it? Attempt 3?

Reviews

[.]

~ the sonnet expert on this site is mr. joel m. frye... you could find him in my friend list or if you wish i could email you the link to his profile... so, i can't possibly comment on the technical aspect of this beautiful piece of poetry...

~ i've read this piece several times... this is a very intense foray into the stages and realms of experiencing as also recovering from an excruciating experience... no doubt the closing lines are true and particularly beautifully expressed... but as one of the most spectacular poets on this site (mr. r.f. jordan) once told me... "resilience is about accepting days when you are not resilient"... being human, we experience intense oscillation... i know i do... yet, there is an underlying sense of a humbling courage... ~ for me, it's not about ever feeling that i was chosen to survive... but that the very act of attempting to write (something that i succumb to very often) is proof of the fact that i have survived... and, therefore, holding on to any kind of bitterness (as opposed to momentary experiences)... is nothing but infradig behaviour to extract attention from the universe's (currently limited) reserves of compassion... ~ in short, the realization of having survived may not be an empowering one yet... but it's definitely a humbling experience... that does not make me feel "chosen" but makes me want to be of use to those who are suffering so much that they're not even able to attempt to write...

~ thank you for inviting me to read this beautiful piece of writing and for sharing my thoughts... i respect you for being an authentic human and a gifted poet...

[Rosa Carlyle-Mitchell]

I'm really glad that you gave it eyes, and thank you for that insightful response. I thought that you'd get it, or something about it :) I shall heed your advice and get in touch with the mentioned ones! x

[.]

~ you're very welcome... :)

[Frieda P]

I think it's clever and deep, needs a sharp mind and/or second read, it's a different perspective on 'hope'. I like the the concept of a ship. I love the line 'relegate light to my bubbly gaze'. What's more hopeful and endearing that that? ;) Nice work.

[Ban Heo]

I would give John Keats's Autumn a read :) it's a masterpiece and very similar to what you're doing here.

[Max Watt]

I don't know what you're saying here. I've just read this four times and I'm still not seeing anything I can take away from this. Don't get me wrong, there is some nice imagery, the "fading sky", "beg stars to dub me with their rays" etc. I just don't see what you're getting at. The final line is quite thought-provoking, ambiguous, definitely something that can be discussed as to its meaning, but the rest does nothing for me, besides create an image. Where's the message throughout the rest of it?

Your rhymes sometimes feel forced and it seems like you're thinking too hard about the rhyme and not the structure. Let the flow determine it, not the rhyme. That's more important in poetry.

[Rosa Carlyle-Mitchell]

To me, that is what it was: the image of a state of being. The drunken ship being s****y, unstable times. Unfocused, seemingly incurable etc. But its funny how it often just takes a moment to remove yourself from that mindset - to realise that where you're at is just something you''re fallible to. Of course 'soles' is an allusion to the the soul and fighting yourself instead of enjoying life.

I'll revisit it. Thanks for the crit!