The Life of John- Episode 2 The Funeral

The aptly named second installment of a short story series. Tell me what you think.

The Life of John- Episode 2

The Funeral

When John heard the news of his maternal Grandfather and his third wife were getting a divorce he took it like any other news. It really did not affect him that much, so it was not a big deal. When John heard the news of his maternal Grandfather’s third wife had cancer, the first thought he had was, well that is another funeral I have to go to, then he remembered the divorce and thought hopefully she will make it long enough for the divorce to be final, because as soon as that happens, there would no longer be any obligation to attend the funeral. When John heard the news of his maternal Grandfather putting the divorce on hold until his wife made was better, he hoped that she would pull through, not for her sake at first, but so he would not have to go to another damned funeral, then he wanted her to pull through for her sake. John really disliked going to funerals, like everyone else that lives and breathes. He had the idea that the next funeral he would attend would be his own and that would only be to make a brief guest appearance. His Grandfather’s wife subsequently died, God rest her.

John said, “Well it looks like we can go to her wake, I think we can skip the actual funeral. I mean they were getting a divorce. What’s the etiquette on this kind of thing?”

Tina said, “Yeah, it’s your family so it is your call, but that should be good enough. We have to drive two hours one way. The wake should be good enough.”

John said, “Good, I hoped I was not being crazy for saying that… They were getting divorced anyway.” John’s cell phone rang and he turned it over to see it was his mother calling and said, “It’s Mom,” then he answered the phone and said, “Hello,” then Tina walked from the den into the kitchen.

His mother spoke.

John said, “Yeah, you really did not have to leave a thousand voice mails and text messages.”

His mother spoke.

John said, “Well, I had to work last night and this morning. Anyway you know that I hate to text.”

His mother spoke.

John said, “So when are the arrangements?”

His mother spoke.

John said, “What? Why so soon, I would have thought it would be on Sunday and Monday.”

His mother spoke.

John said, “Are you kidding me?”

His mother spoke.

John said, “Me and Tina were just coming to the wake, I mean they were in the middle of a divorce.”

His mother spoke.

John said, “Why are they coming?”

His mother spoke.

John said, “What! Why are all these people coming out of the wood works for this?”

His mother spoke.

John said, “Are you crazy? He is not coming.”

His mother spoke.

John said, “Seriously!? I did not think this would be that big of a deal.”

His mother spoke.

John said, “Ok, Ok, Let me talk to Tina and I will get back to you.”

His mother spoke.

John said, “Ok, bye.” He hung up the phone, and then he shouted, “SHIIIT!”

Tina heard him from the kitchen with his outburst and she came running back into the den and said, “What… What happened?”

John said, “Where to begin?”

Then Tina’s live-in brother, Thomas, walked into the den holding his daughter, Lyza, but did not say anything.

John continued, “The wake is tomorrow, and the funeral is Sunday, so we have to go.”

Thomas said, “A funeral?” with a longing look in his eyes.

Tina gave her brother a mistrustful look and said, “What? Why so soon?”

John said, “I am not sure, but I guess it has something to do with the fact that Aunt Linda and her husband are flying in from California, Aunt Becky and her family are flying in from Wyoming, Uncle Rodger and his son are coming, even Aunt Maureen is coming in.”

Tina said, “Who is Aunt Maureen?”

John said, “She is another aunt who has not came around in a long time, she had a falling out with some of the family.”

Tina said, “Wow, I did not even know you had an Aunt Maureen.”

John said, “So we have to go, we are both off of work so there are no excuses, we have to go.”

Thomas said, “Where is it going to be?”

Tina gave her brother another look and said, “We don’t have to go.”

John said, “Yeah we do. My family is coming in from everywhere, and we only live two hours away. Oh and Mom said I was given first option to be a Pallbearer. Like there is a line of people to get in on that action. So we have to go. Yeah and Mom said that James is coming even though him and Susie just moved to Alaska.”

Tina said, “Your mother is crazy.”

John said, “I know.”

Thomas said, “Do you have enough Pallbearers?”

John said, “First off it sounds like you want to go to this thing, which is pretty creepy, so let me get this clear you are not going.”

Thomas said, “Well I didn’t know if I was going to be invited or not.”

John said, “A funeral is not the type thing you get an invitation to.”

Thomas said, “Yeah, I know, I go to them all the time here in town. Do you know how easy to pull chicks at a funeral?”

Tina said, “Thomas that is sick.”

Thomas said, “What? There will be at least one that will not fight me off,” and he grinned at them.

Tina said, “What do you mean?”

Thomas said, “This was a chick that died right? I mean I don’t f**k dead dudes. I’m not a queer.”

John said, “Are you f*****g kidding me?”

Tina said, “John, don’t talk like that in front of Lyza, and you,” and she pointed her finger at Thomas in a lecturing manner, “you are married and you are holding your little girl, you should know better then saying things like that.”

Thomas said, “What? She doesn’t have a clue of what we are talking about, and anyway I am not one hundred percent she is mine. It is really just a coin toss.” He put Lyza down and said, “Go play now honey. She’s not all that bright.”

Tina slapped Thomas on the arm hard and turned to go back into the kitchen.

John said, “You are an idiot.”

Thomas said, “Hey, now. So, where are the services going to be?”

John said, “No, No. You are not crashing a funeral for someone in my family.”

Thomas said, “We can do this the easy way or the hard way. That part is up to you. You can tell me, or I will just follow you. Anyway, I would not be crashing the funeral, because you are my in.”

John said, “I am not helping you cheat on your wife.”

Thomas said, “It is her job to cheat on me. You do know how the prostitution business works right?”

John said, “I do, but still. I can’t believe I am actually having this conversation.”

Thomas said, “Don’t worry about that, I realize that all the time.”

John said, “Coming from you, that is in NO way reassuring. You are the biggest d****e bag ever.” Then John went into the kitchen where Tina was and said, “Speaking of bags of d****e, you know we have to go, because that’s what we will be if we don’t go. I mean are we in together on with this?”

Tina said, “Are you asking me if I want to go? Because if you are I think we both know the answer to that question.”

John said, “I know, I don’t want to go either, but with all my family making such an effort we will be as bad as Thomas if we don’t go.”

Tina said, “I know, but I still don’t want to.”

John said, “But we have to go.”

The next day came and John and Tina got ready to go to the wake after he got home from work. She did her normal, that does not match, that is too wrinkled, and that has a stain routine until she had finally dressed John to her satisfaction. They left their room dressed and ready to drive their two hours. When they got to the den Thomas was there dressed as nicely as he could, but he still looked like he was a sleazy car salesman.

Thomas said when he saw them, “Ok good you are ready to go.”

John said, “I thought we went over this, you are not invited.”

Thomas said, “Didn’t you tell me yesterday that a funeral is not the type thing that you will get an invitation for?”

Tina said, “We have to go or we will be late.”

John said, “I don’t care, you are not going.”

Thomas said, “My car is gassed up and ready to go. So I think that I am.”

Tina said, “Just let him come, we have to get going.”

John said, “Are you serious?” and when he looked at her holding the door open to shew them out, she just nodded.

Thomas went out the door and got into their car saying, “Jackpot.”

John grunted in displeasure, and got into the car after he locked up the house.

John leaned back from the front passenger seat to Thomas and said, “So where is Lyza and Janet?”

Thomas said, “Not really sure, I just told Janet that I had an appointment to go to, so she needed to watch Lyza. So Lyza is probably at work with Janet.”

John outraged said, “Janet is a prostitute, are you saying that Lyza is there with her as she works?”

Thomas said, “Yeah, but Lyza just stays in the car, so it’s cool.”

John said, “Are you mildly retarded?”

Thomas said, “Janet cracks the window. I have not tested positive to be retarded, so I guess not.”

John could say anything else, because he was astonished at one human’s quantity of stupidity.

They arrived at the wake and John and Tina did their duty hugging and greeting the people they really did not want to be around, and when that was over they stepped aside to make room, and hung out with the people they could tolerate for a more then just a few moments. Thomas waited outside for a few minutes after they other two entered the funeral home, insisting that he go to this stag. So they let him.

As the hour they committed to this task passed, John and Tina sat back in a corner with one of John’s cousins, Clark, making fun of the people that were in attendance. Clark was the type person to speak aloud all those remarks that you think in your head but are too afraid to voice them, and he did not care one bit if the person the jab was at was within earshot or not. He was just that brutally honest. They also kept seeing Thomas walk around the people like he was mingling at a Friday night cocktail party. Thomas was seen consoling any woman he could get his hands on, and looking like he was glad handing all the men of the gathering as well. The final straw was when John saw Thomas crying on the shoulder of another of John’s cousins. This one was nearly the best looking female at the event, and when John saw this he said, “Ok, Clark, it seems like we have to get him out of here, but we will see you tomorrow at the funeral. Come on Tina.”

Clark said, “Ok then, I guess you can’t let that d****e ruin this for everyone.”

John said, “Yeah, you are right,” and laughed.

Tina said, “See you tomorrow.”

Clark said, “Bye.”

John and Tina made their way to Thomas, and but a stop to his mingling. John said, “We are getting you out of here. Go to the car.”

Thomas said, “Ah, don’t worry about that, I think I can get a ride.”

John said, “No, I don’t think so, you are not going home with anyone else but us.”

Thomas said, “Ok, but I have to say my goodbyes.”

John said, “No, you do not, we do, but you have to go to the car.”

Thomas said, “Oh, I see, you are saying I need to play hard to get. Good idea, anyway the wake is always to separate the weak from the strong. I think that I have done a good job of that.”

John said, “Go!” and pushed Thomas out the door. Then John and Tina made their rounds and said their goodbyes for today, and that they would see everyone tomorrow just before the funeral to get the instructions of how to be a pallbearer.

John and Tina got to the car, where Thomas was already waiting. Thomas said, “I can tell you what it was a goldmine in there!”

John said, “Shut up Thomas,” and they rode back to the house in silence.

John said to Tina, “How do I look?”

Tina said, “You look good.”

John said, “Thanks, you do too.”

Tina said, “Thank you.”

John said, “You ready?

Tina said, “Yeah, let’s go.” Then they walked out of their bedroom and into the den where, both being dressed ready to go, Thomas in a leisure suit and Janet in a low cut, too short black cocktail dress.

John said, “Where are you going? Where is Lyza?”

Thomas said, “She is with a babysitter, and we are ready to go.”

John said, “Yeah that is obvious, but where, because it is not with us.”

Thomas said, “Again we can do this the easy way, or the hard way.”

John said, “You actually want to go to the funeral?”

Thomas said, “Yeah, I told you that it was a goldmine, and I am expected to be there.”

John said, “Well then, I can’t keep you from going, but I am not getting there with you, so we are going to do it the hard way. Also, while we are there, I do not know who you are.”

Thomas said, “Yeah, you kinda cramp my style, so I was going to say the same thing.”

John said, “Now that’s settled, we have to go.” Then they left in their separate vehicles.

They arrived at the funeral home and they parked their cars inline for the caravan to travel into the cemetery. They entered the funeral home and Tina found a seat, and John found one of the funeral directors and told him he was one of the pallbearers. This funeral director was young, but just by comparison of his partner. The younger funeral director brought him to a small room where five other men where, one was the older funeral director and the other four were the other pallbearers who had arrived stood inside the room.

The older funeral director said, “And yesterday you would not believe the woman I had to deal with. She was a huge b***h, and not just physically. I mean embalming her was the biggest pain in the a*s I have had in quite a while. And I fell a*s first on a twelve inch dry cucumber the other day. Ha. No not really, I placed it there willingly, Ha Ha.”

When the older funeral director laughed it was a mix between coughing and saying the first two letters worth of the word hat. The men who were listening to the old man were laughing with him but halfheartedly due to their situation.

The younger funeral director said, “And this is Mr. Anderson, of Anderson Funeral Home.” John and the older funeral director shook hands.

The older funeral director said, “Good to meet ya.” John thought that he could like the old man, but his joking nature did not fit his occupation well. Then the last pallbearer, who was by far the largest, but the youngest of the group walked up quietly behind the older funeral director. The younger one said nothing, but got the attention of the older, and pointed over the shoulder of the older, and he turned around.

The older funeral director said, “Jesus Christ, you are a big sombitch huh. S**t boy, don’t drop dead on me just standing there, I would love to have your business, but I don’t have enough people on staff to lift your a*s up on the embalming table. Ha, but seriously here is my card if you need my services,” and he gave the boy a rectangle of paper. “Ok, well it looks like we are all here, and we only needed the biggen, so the rest of you can go. Ha. But really you don’t need to memorize this at all, we are just going to run down what will happen, and we will be instructing you the whole time, so don’t worry.”

As the older funeral director told the duties involved with being a pallbearer the younger funeral director pinned a boutineers to their chests, made of a red carnation, but not without hitting John’s flesh first nearly giving a free n****e piercing.

When the older funeral director was done with the instructing he said, “Ok well we are ready to roll, follow me single file, the big b*****d first, don’t be trying to play grab a*s with me… unless you really want to,” and so they did, John going second then the other four followed close behind.

Their trail passed by the bathrooms and right before they got to the men’s the door burst open and a pale old man smiling flew out, then Janet popped out and grabbed the next old man in line to go by the collar of his shirt and pushed him inside, then she turned as John passed she saw him and said, “Hi John,” waved, then she wiped the corner of mouth with the back of her hand, shrugged at him saying, “Back to work,” and she fluffed her hair and pressed her dress straight with her hands and went back into the men’s room. John said nothing, just kept walking behind the wall of a boy in front of him.

The older funeral director led them to view the body, none took the opportunity and they sat three to a pew all the way to the front and right of the sanctuary. John was probably the most unlucky one being sandwiched between the “biggen,” and an old hippy with a pony tail. After a few moments John started to take in the smells of is surroundings, and instead of smelling the subtle scents of the flowers five feet in front of him, he took in that of bengay from the hippy and old rotting seafood from the “biggen.” John knew he could make it through this if he concentrated, but it would be difficult.

The service began and there were prayers and a few hymns, but the most interesting part was the eulogy. This was given by a preacher, who admittedly never met the woman in question, but somehow that was the best they could do on such short notice. He would be the stuttering version of a person who would win first in a Wilford Brimley look-a-like competition. John didn't know whether to have a bowl of Cream of Wheat, or get his diabeetis testin’ supplies from Liberty Medical. This started to eat away at John, and soon he was consumed with holding back such laughter he could not do anything else, and the service passed him by.

The preacher was about the worst public speaker ever heard, and John though that if he actually was a spiritual leader, wherever he lead his flock it was definitely inefficient and took a long a*s time to get there. The next thing John knew the preacher was asking people to be generous in their giving because the soul that passed to glory had yet to be blessed in finances, then asked for someone to come forward to carry the offering plate, and to John’s embarrassment, Thomas nearly ran to the front for the job zipping his fly on the way up over the bulge of his half erection. He was granted the duty and he made his way around the sanctuary as a hymn was sung. Thomas walked up and down the rows of pews, collection cash and checks. He took the opportunity to look down women’s shirts while waiting on them to give, when it was available. When he made it to John he insisted that he gave something, and when John motioned that he was not going to give anything, Thomas pulled out a checkbook and handed it to John, who opened it because it looked like his and he wondered how Thomas would have gotten it. To John’s dismay it was his, and Thomas leaned down and whispered, “You need to give something, I mean I didn’t have to give it back to you I could have just used them myself and wrote a bunch of hot checks in your name.”

John said, “I don’t have a pen.” Then Thomas pulled a pin out of his coat pocket and gave it to John. John then wrote a five dollar check, folded it in half so Thomas could not see the amount and put it in the plate, the whole time Thomas stood there looming over John, forcing John to do something before he would leave. Then Thomas picked the check up and looked at the amount written on it.

Thomas whispered to John, “You should be ashamed of yourself. Good thing for her I wrote this check before we got here,” and pulled out another of John’s checks written for one hundred dollars for the cause.

John whispered back, “You need to see me after this, and before we leave to go to the cemetery.”

Thomas said, “My work is done here, I have no intention of going to the cemetery, unless you think I can get into your cousin’s pants. Be sure to put in a good word for me,” then he finished making the plate to the entire congregation. When he was done he sat the plate on a table in the back, being sure to quickly pocket the cash, leaving the checks.

Then the younger funeral director was back at the front and they were following him out the doors to the hearse to put the casket inside for its final ride. John still sandwiched between the old hippy and the “biggen,” as the older funeral director pushed the casket and its cargo on rollers to them. The older funeral director got the casket as far as it could roll then stopped and said, “Now when you pick this thing up and I take the rollers out from under, you better pull your back our or pop one of your balls before you drop it. Ha Ha. That would be very embarrassing to me and I don’t need you b******s messing with my profit margins. Ok, up and in.” Then they did as they were told, fortunately there were no mistakes.

The younger funeral director said, “We are ready to go to the grave site, so just follow us, use your high beams and caution lights please. We will have police escorts so we can get there as quickly as possible.”

Then Tina walked up to John and said, “You ready?”

John said, “Yeah, I just go to find Thomas real quick I’ll meet you at the car.”

Tina said, “Ok, hurry they are about to leave.” John walked around for a moment and spotted Thomas and Janet making their way to their car, and John hurried to catch them.

John said, “Hey, you get my checkbook again and I will kill you.”

Thomas said, “I don’t need it anymore. So don’t worry.”

John said, “What?” and Janet held up a stack of checkbooks in one hand, and plastic cards which could only be Id’s or credit cards.

Thomas said, “That’s today’s take.”

Janet said, “We did good huh?”

John said, “What?”

Thomas said, “It’s the scam I came up with. Yesterday I scoped the landscape and made appointments for Janet. Then today while she serviced them in the bathroom, while their pants were down she took whatever she could get her free hand on.”

Janet said, “You saw me working.”

John said, “Yeah, this means you can move out right?”

Thomas said, “Don’t be stupid, this only helps in stealing their identity. Then we can sell identities to the mob for a huge profit. It takes time, but when we have a hundred grand we are done. That’s how a scam works. You don’t stop until you have a hundred grand. Don’t you know anything?”

Janet said, “Yeah, John I thought you were smart.”

Thomas said, “I know, seriously.”

John said, “Just go, leave,”

Thomas said, “Did you talk to your cousin for me?”

John said, “NO!”

Thomas said, “Thanks for being such a c**k face then,” then Janet and him left for home.

John got into the car with Tina, barely making it before the convoy started.

Tina said, “What was that about?”

John said, “You don’t even want to know.”

Tina followed the car in front of her through the back county roads. They commented on how the directions to the cemetery would have been to take a left after the second wooden bridge and the dead dog carcass, then a right on the first gravel road after the second mattress on the trash pile in by the road, then go all the way to the end of it, and when you have lost all cell phone service you still need to go a few more miles to the territory where your skin would craw if you heard a banjo playing in the woods. But they finally got there and John helped get the casket out and to the stand that would lower it into the ground. The pallbearers stood next to the pastor on one side of the casket and everyone else sat or stood on the other side. The pastor in his cowboy boots and ten gallon hat, continued with his stuttering through more words of encouragement for the family, a verse of “Amazing Grace,” in which with their glad handingness both of the funeral directors joined in on. After John opened his eyes from the final prayer, he saw the pastor shoot out the largest tobacco spit he had ever seen. Had he known better he would have thought the pastor was throwing up, but he did not hear the wrenching grunts that came along with it, and after the ejection was over the pastor wiped the tobacco juice from his mustache with the stained and used part of his sleeve, and walked to the family to say goodbye.

Everyone stood around visiting for a while then the older funeral director calling for John said, “You ready to put the dirt on top, Ha.”

John said, “Yeah, right, I’ll be right there,” and laughed himself.

The older funeral director said, “Ha, I am not joking, they needed the pallbearers to help,” and he pointed at the other five pallbearers who had changed into overalls and rubber boots, all holding shovels and glairing at John.

John said, “Oh, no we have to go, my wife here is not feeling well so we have to go,” and he grabbed Tina by the hand, turned around, and hurriedly walked to their car and got in.

Tina said, “I can’t believe they wanted you to help bury her.”

John said, “Yeah, if I knew that was part of the gig, I would not have done it, but no one told me. Let’s get the hell out of here,” and he put the car in drive and left the cemetery.

Tina said, “Yeah lets. Oh… But we did not tell anyone bye.”

John said, “I don’t give a s**t, I hope it is the last time I see some of those people anyway.” Then they made their way home.

The End