The Life of John- Episode 1- The Birthday Party

This is the first of a series of humorous stories, that are for the most part true, but in areas I took creative license and made them better, I think.

John finished his shower, pulled back the curtain and dried himself, commencing his post shower ritual, he was getting ready for the first birthday party for Luke. This was a party that he did not particularly want to go to. Let’s be honest, he did not want to go to the party at all, so much that he had made a plan to go to a movie with a friend, so he had an alibi to leave early. The party was for Luke, who was Carmen's son, who was his wife's, Tina, best friend. When John got to the part of the ritual where he cleaned his ears with cotton swabs, he saw that he was out of the ear cleaning tools.

John said, “Baby, we are out of Q-tips, can you check the other bathroom to see if they have any?” to the door that separated his bathroom and master bedroom.

Tina said, “No, we are out in there too, Thomas came and got the last one from me yesterday because they were out. Sorry, we can pick some up on our way home though.”

John said, “That does not do me any good right now.”

Tina opened the door and said, “Hey, it’s not my fault.”

John said, “I know, I’m sorry, but you have to tell them they have to go.”

Tina said, “SHHHH, they will hear you.”

John said, “I don’t care what they hear. Thomas and Jan have been here for two years. It is time for them to get a job and a place of their own.”

Tina said, “Look, you know they have fallen on hard times because of Thomas’s accident. They only need to stay here to get back on their feet.”

John said, “Ha, he is fine, he is just trying to draw out this as long as he can so he can get a settlement from that job he had. And, and, I think that Jan might just be a prostitute. I am pretty sure I got crabs from when I had to use their bathroom from a few weeks ago.”

Tina said, “Don’t say that. She is not a prostitute. Anyway, I think I know what happened. I let Tom have a pair of your underwear, and I guess it got back into your drawer. I forgot to tell you that.”

John shouted, “YOU GAVE HIM MY UNDERWEAR?!?”

Tina said, “Yes, but they were not supposed to get back to you, I guess he just felt bad and gave them back.”

John said, “Oh, yeah, I’m sure he felt really bad about taking something from me. Ha, I bet he did not even wash them, you know I think you are right on how I got his damn crabs.”

Tina said, “SHH, he will hear you. He is sensitive about his… you know. He has tried everything, and they will not go away. He has gone to the doctor, and not even the prescription he gotten has helped.”

John said, “So, now you are telling me that I have nuclear fallout surviving crabs. I am going to kill him.”

Tina said, “No you are not, you will be ok.”

John said, “Thank God they are going to your parent’s house for the day after we get back with Lyza.” He stepped close to his wife, hugged her, and said, “Maybe we can you know…”

Tina said, “Umm, no not while you have your little situation down there.”

John said, “Great, we can’t do it while they are here because you think they will hear us, and now they are going to be gone for a while he still finds a way to c**k block me with my own wife.”

Tina said, “Yeah, but right now you are doing a pretty good job of blocking yourself at the moment.”

John said, “Ha, ha.”

Tina said, “Hurry and get ready, we need to leave soon, we still have to go pick up the pizza,” and she closed the door in his face.

John said, “Yeah, goodie, now we get to ask Carmen to pay us back, love that.” Then he finished getting ready and went into the living room to wait until they are ready to leave.

“Don’t do that,” John said, “that hurts.” Lyza being held by her uncle had taken her fingers and dug them as far as she could into both his ears. She pulled them out laughing at him. John put her down and did the same thing back to her gently and said, “I got your ears.” Taunting her, and they both laughed again. Tina, the eager beaver to please, was running around like a mad woman making sure they had everything ready to go to take Lyza to little Luke’s first birthday party. The grand occasion was to happen at Carmen’s house.

Thomas came out of his room just waking up for the day. First he was scratching his private areas violently under his pants, and then he shook his head back and fourth, and then used his palms to push his chin as far as it could both to the left and right, sounding off a loud pop. Then he shook his head in all directions violently and finally put on his foam cervical collar. All this was done in the hallway out of view of any windows.

John said, “Who are you trying to fool with that thing, it has been two years.”

Thomas said, “What do you mean I know they have lawyers camped outside just to get one picture of me without my brace.”

John said, “Yeah I am going to let them know.”

Thomas said, “You wouldn’t.”

John said, “Yeah I would if you don’t find a job soon.”

Thomas said, “Look at me I can’t work like this.”

John said, “Whatever.”

Tina walked into the room and said, “Ok, let’s go Lyza, are you ready to go see Luke?”

Lyza said, “Yes, I wanna see baby Luke.”

John said, “So let’s go.”

Thomas said, “I have to get a kiss from my Lyza first,” while he came and picked up Lyza for his kiss. She took her fingers and put them into her daddy’s mouth and he pretended to nibble them, then suddenly stopped, and pulled them out of his mouth, making a face and said, “That was nasty, did you put your fingers in your ears?”

Lyza said, “No silly, Uncle John’s”

John said, “That’s right they were just in my ears. Sorry about that.” Thomas, put his daughter down quickly and ran to the bathroom where he got sick. “Yeah, my ears would be clean if you could go and get some Q-tips to replace the ones you took from my bathroom. Maybe you can find time to do that in your busy schedule between watching TV, and giving me f*****g nuclear fallout surviving crabs. Thanks for those by the way.”

Tina slapped him on the wrist and said, “Watch your mouth in front of Lyza.”

Lyza said, “You have crabs?! I like crabs. Can I have one for a pet?”

Tina said, “Are you proud of yourself? See what you have done now.”

John said, “Yeah Tom, why don’t you tell your wife thanks for helping getting Lyza ready and all when she wakes up. It is nearly noon, and she is still asleep. I have an idea maybe you two can go and use all my underwear while I am gone, maybe I can get another STD or something.”

Tina said, “Are you finished? Let’s go.”

John said, “Yeah, let’s go. You know I am taking my car because I got to meet Charlie at the movie after the party. I am leaving at 1:30, no later.”

Tina said, “Oh, yeah, ok well I need you to pick up the pizza.”

John said, “S**t, do I have to?”

Tina said, “Yes, I have Lyza, and I will not be able to get it. So I need you to.”

John said, “Ok, but I don’t want to.”

Tina said, “Very mature of you, Thank you. I have to get gas too, so we should be there at the same time anyway.”

John said, “So you can stop and get out of the car and pump gas, but you can’t go through a drive thru to get pizza?”

Tina said, “That’s right.”

Then they left in their separate vehicles Tina going her way to get gas, then Carmen's house, and John going to get the pizza. Thankfully for John there were no complications at the pizza place, and Tina was right in saying they would arrive at the Carmen’s Estate at the same time. John pulled in just after Tina and parked at the end of the driveway where no one could possibly block him in and preventing his early escape. He got out and carried the pizza up the driveway passing new Lexis’s, BMWs, Jaguars, and Mercedes making him feel even more uncomfortable with his ten year old corolla he traveled in, and caught up to Tina and Lyza before they were able to get to the back door where she always went to.

John said, “I made it.”

Tina said, “I see, do you want a cookie or something?” and she knocked on the door a time or two, then opened up and walked inside before he could say anything back. Then he followed them in, having a hard time closing the door behind himself being loaded down with all the pizzas. He caught up to her before she walked out the door that led to the huge backyard, decorated for a baby boy’s first birthday. In that near silent moment when people enter a large party and everyone looks up to see who is here, Lyza nearly shouted, “Uncle John has crabs,” then Tina let her hand go and she ran to play with the other children, and John turned red with embarrassment.

Carmen said, “Do you really think you should be handling the food then John?” Tina took the stack of pizzas from John and walked over to Carmen and set them on the table beside all the other food that was there, and began talking to Carmen about how good everything looked.

By this point the hundred or so pairs of adult eyes obviously disgusted, were staring at him John said, “I went grocery shopping and came home with crabs to cook and it was a surprise… You know what forget it. The things kids say, right.” And he casually smiled to play it off like a misunderstanding. He was hungry so he walked right up and got himself a slice of pizza from the box on the top of the stack. Carmen saw this, gave him an irritated look, and put the box he picked from to the side, and then started opening the other boxes announcing that the food was ready.

Carmen said, to John, “Just eat from that box please.”

John said, “Ok, that’s cool. By the way it was like a hundred dollars.”

Carmen said, “Yes, John I will pay you back, you don’t always have to be concerned about money.”

John said, “Oh, yeah, it is easy for you to not be concerned about money when you don’t have to work for it.”

Carmen said, “I have the hardest job, I am a homemaker.”

John said, “Ha, yeah I have not seen a homemaker with so many assistants. Your babysitter has a babysitter.”

Carmen said, “Why are you jealous or something? How is your job at the grocery store?”

John said, “No not jealous of you at all, at least I have an honest job. I would hate to have to have sex with seventy year old millionaires for money.”

Carmen said, “I don’t sleep with Harry. Except for the one time on our honeymoon, I kind of had to.”

John said, “Whatever, you have been married for five years and Luke is only a year old, unless you cheated on him.”

Carmen said, “Never, Harry donated his sperm to the cause when I wanted a baby, it does not mean that I had sex with him again. I was not even in the room with him when he did… it.”

John said, “W***e.”

Carmen said, “Idiot.”

Then Tina walked up and said, “What are you two talking about?”

John said, “Oh, nothing, just small talk.” Tina started to talk more party details to Carmen and John saw this as his opportunity to get away from Carmen, so he bolted and started to make a large circle around the entire party. He made his way through the grounds of the estate, winding around groups of adults and children, blow up jumping gyms, and the swimming pool. It did not talk him long to make his way all the way around and he was getting close to Carmen again and could not handle that so he got some punch to drink and found an empty table to sit at alone. He had drank a lot of coffee that morning and drinking the punch charged his bladder with the urge to relieve himself so he went back into the house the way he came out and to the bathroom. He got to the toilet and stood there taking nearly the world’s longest wiz, and he put the hand free from aiming on the window seal beside him. In doing this he pushed the curtains back out of the way allowing a good view outside, but more importantly inside. It was at this time that he got to itching so he started to scratch himself. He had finally stopped passing water, but now he was vigorously scratching the itch, and his head leaned back and eyes closed enjoying the relief. He lulled his head to the side and looked out the window, to see Carmen looking at him with a shocked look on her face. She turned behind her to see the kids jumping and playing, then looked back at him and he could read her lips saying, “You sick pervert,” and he put things together, stopped scratching and started zipping and buttoning, all while screaming at Carmen, “I was not jerking it, I have crabs. I'm not a pedophile.” But she could not hear him.

He walked back outside and found his wife and said, “Tina, I am about to go. Carmen knows I have crabs, and thinks I am a pedophile. I got to get out of here.”

Tina said, “What? Why does she think that? No, no you can’t leave until 1:30, so just mingle or whatever until then.”

John said, “God I can’t stand these people.”

Tina said, “Don’t say that. Anyway did you get the check from Carmen?”

John said, “What check?”

Tina said, “For the pizza, she said she wrote it and has it for you.”

John said, “Then you get it from her.”

Tina said, “You know I don’t like asking her for money. Just go do it for me please? I’ll make it worth your while,” and smiled at him.

John smiled back finally something going right for him today, “Oh really. But I thought?”

Tina said, “Oh yeah, I forgot about that. Well you are on your own tonight then. Just go get the check from Carmen.”

John said, “I can’t keep my mouth shut. God.” And he walked away and started to look for Carmen. Then a great idea struck him. He looked all around seeing groups of adults just standing around or sitting at tables, and their kids running around just playing and having fun. He knew his idea would work for some unknown reason, so he acted. He walked to the closest table with a couple sitting and still eating some pizza.

John said, “I was told to take up a collection to help pay for the food and festivities.”

The man said, “What? Why?”

John said, “It was just what Carmen asked me to do. She said twenty dollars a person or couple. Twenty, or forty.”

The man pulled out his wallet and said, “I don’t know why someone who has so much money wants us to help pay for this?”

John said, “I know it does not make much sense to me either, I guess if you have money you do what you can to save it. You know ‘The Millionaire Next Door.’”

The man put a twenty dollar bill into his hand and said, “Oh, I guess so.”

John said, “Forty, I said twenty or forty. I was leaning towards the forty side.”

The man gave him a look and put another twenty into his hand. Then John walked over to the other side of the man to his wife and extended his open hand and said, “Ma’am.”

The man said, “I gave you forty already and that covered us.”

John said, “No I said per person or couple. I must not have been clear, couples are treated as a individual persons so I need another forty.”

The man now disgusted put another forty into John’s hand and John said, “Thank you for your contribution,” and walked away to the next table.

This was an old couple he sat down next to the old man and before he could say anything, the old man said to him, “Do you have crabs. I love crabs, they are delicious.”

John put his head down and said, “No I don’t have crabs. Wait, you meant like crab cakes, or boiled crabs?”

The old man said, “Yes, do you have any?”

John said, “No, does it look like I am carrying a platter? Anyway, I was asked to collect money for the food and festivities. Forty dollars each.”

The old man said, “Ok,” pulled out a money clip and said, “Is this enough?” and gave him a half inch thick wad of cash.

John said, “Sure, it will do,” nearly too amazed to move, he got himself together and made his way to the next table.

John had now worked out the kinks so he started hitting up every adult he saw at the party keeping his distance from them ones that already paid, and from Carmen and his wife. It was simple and he was really raking it in. He even got a few hundred dollar bills and promised to bring back change, but never did.

Then a kid ran by saying to a friend, “My dad just gave me some money to give to Luke for his birthday,” and John amended his path, turned and caught the kid.

John said, “Hey how much money did your dad give you?”

The Kid said, “Twenty dollars”

John said, “Where is your dad?”

The Kid pointed across the party at a man and said, “Him.”

John said, “Oh, well he sent me over here to tell me to get the money from you, I am the person collecting money for Luke. It is all going into his college fund. So I need that twenty.”

The Kid unknowingly handed it to John, and said, “Here.”

John said, “Thanks, Luke will greatly appreciate it.”

Then a beautiful woman walked up and said, “Are you having a good time?”

John had not looked up at her yet, answered, “Yeah I guess,” as he stood up and when he did look at her, his mouth dropped. Then he said, “Yes, having a top notch time.”

The woman said, “You have crabs right?” and laughed.

John said, “No… Ok yes.”

The woman still laughing said, “I was not serious, but ok. I just thought you must be sweet because you were talking to the kids, and Uncle Ron and Aunt Sue earlier. They really are a sad case aren’t they?” as she pointed to a couple behind John.

John said, “I did not know. Why is that?” as he turned to look at who she pointed at.

She said, “They both have Alzheimer’s.”

John said as he pointed to the old couple who gave up the largest payout of the day, “They both have Alzheimer’s?”

She said, “Yes, and you have crabs, so it’s just a day full of sad cases, and to think I was going to give you my number,” and she walked away.

John said, “Yes, sad day, and I am married by the way.” But she was no longer paying him any attention. So he made his way back to the old couple.

He got to their table and the old man said, “You got crabs? I love crabs, they are delicious.”

John said, “God, even Alzheimer’s patients know,” and he hit them up for cash again getting all that was in the old woman’s purse. Then he stood up made a circle around the table and sat down in front of the old man again, and again with the crab talk. He continued to do this for a total of five times, once they were out of cash he gladly accepted checks made out to cash. Then all of a sudden he noticed it was 1:30 and he looked up to find Tina, and tell her he was going. He stood up and turned around and Carmen was right there in his face.

Carmen said, “What do you think you are doing. You are a sad case conning old sick people out of their money.”

John said, “The pot calling the kettle black I see.”

Carmen said, “Get out, before I have you thrown out.”

John said, “You know I have noticed there is not the first African American person here, so I would not stay around you racist b******s any longer if you paid me to.”

Carmen said, “I am not racist, I give lots of money to black people.”

John said, “Oh, you might as well say the ‘N’ word Carmen. Honestly, come join us in the 21^st century. African Americans are our equals.”

Carmen said, “Out you sonova b***h.” John turned to find Tina again, then turned back to Carmen.

John said, “Do you have the check for the pizza?” And Carmen’s face began turning red with anger, “No? Ok, cool you can just owe me.” Now feeling like he has overstayed his welcome, he hurriedly found his wife and kissed her goodbye, and said, “I’m gone to meet Charlie.”

Tina said, “Ok I’ll see you back at the house.”

John said, “Ok see you then.” Then he walked through the house to the same door from the garage to exit. When he got here, in the garage where Carmen’s vehicles were stored, not missing a beat, he pulled out his set of keys and ran a pin stripe of exposed metal down the length of her new Lexis SUV. Then returned them to his pocket and pulled out the cash and checks he accumulated and proceeded to count up his earnings. It easily topped several thousand dollars. He got in his car, cranked it, and pulled out his cell phone and called Charlie. After Charlie picked up, John said, “What’s up man, you will never guess what I just did.”

The End

Author's Note

I hope that you enjoy and get my sense of humor.

Reviews

[Cherrie]

this story unfolds in a very natural way, nice job