Decision

It wasn’t hard to convince Annie. My vacation is indefinite and the thought of not coming back is a peril to my future in this big city, a possibility to consider the threat in my head. But of course I didn’t tell her… How could I? I couldn’t even give her a single hint of that possibility that I might ruin our friendship.

 

I could not tell her! I don’t have the courage to do it… She’s not my Damien, my frail and incompetent Damien, with his tanned and beauty that is arousing to behold is capable to decipher the riddle that I am, to penetrate the conundrum and break my walls. Damien understands me without asking question; he gets me as if our heart beating at the same rate, at the same time.  

        

Secrecy, I am vulnerably devoured by its charm all my life that my survival depended by its existence, like a shield and armor to a soldier in a battle… I couldn’t tell Annie the predicament in my head, a predicament of betrayal if it pushes through… Annie is a friend and a sister to me, much more reason to eradicate the threat one thing for all-I will do what I can to come back; I can’t just leave everything behind, everything that I worked for-running away again won’t help me move forward. I don’t want to be ensnared in this limbo of life, not this time again, I have to come back!

 

Can paranoia be this powerful? Twisting my mind like thread, trapped in a maze without any way out. Panic send shiver through my spine with the thought of leaving my dreams for good, manila is my home now, for fifteen long years it serve as my home, I have to believe it.

 

In retrospect, the most frightening is to realize that in few days now I will be remarking my long awaited arrival to my hometown, I never thought this day will come, like of a prodigal son from his long journey and finding his way home while his father awaits or like Julius Caesar’s triumphant return from battle to the glorious Rome.

 

 Annie’s father died when she was a teenager, young and confused about the concept of death and why it happened. It was a big factor to me, in my attempt to persuade her to grant my request that she understands what I am going through as a son since she had experience the same adversity as a daughter. I owe every success that I have to her patient and undying support, from the career that I thought I never made it without her vigorous supervision and thoughtful insights and advises. She is everything that I am to day.

 

Weekends run smoothly and fast. I spend all of it at home lock in my own cognitive jam of this sudden event.

 

 Stefan, a hairy buff type of a guy, his fair and chinese beautiful eyes, big smile and red lips, sporting a skinhead looks called me on Saturday night. A raging testosterone that is Stefan Chan, old fashion guy who is a year older and an inch taller than I am, who smells masculine yet mildly good, in his Lacoste polo shirt and normal khaki jeans as his signature look. Husky voice greeted me on the phone, asking if we could go out for the night, watch movie, dinner out or just plainly talk as we argue with different types of topic that we are in common- books, from the alteration of the vampire species on Stephanie Meyer’s series of vampire books to the passionate original vampire characters of Anne Rice. History is a passion that we both share, the unfolding of an era, the changes of the world recorded on National Geographic and that of the Discovery channel are interesting to miss.

 

As our so called mutual friendship matures and with the call of the intimacy is too much to resist, we give in to the burning desire of physical touch… Yes, we passionately engage ourselves in a game of erotic pleasures of the flesh, we had sex, wildly but sweet as he penetrated me several times but not frequent. We are deeply involved with each other, a peanut to its nutshell as I describe our little bond, it’s like I am created to exist for him to survive. We love each other as we are meant to love, we desperately long for each others touch and we care to one another like there is no other human being in this world. But we are not in a relationship. We never fall in the stereotype of close intimacy and monogamy of a normal couple, there is no commitment involve in this role that we play just passion, love and desire of lustful game. 

 

I refuse his offer for a night of intimate pleasures for once.

 

There is a sad tone in his voice when I bid my goodbyes. But he understands my reason to refuse him. It’s not that I neglect him for that matter; I am just not in a liberty to enjoy other people’s company for the time being. There’s so much in my head that even the picture of Stefan’s well hung c**k as I imagine doesn’t help. I felt useless and incompetent as I lie here in my bed, alone savoring the dim light shade from my lamp.

 

“Who could be the next lucky guy in Stefan’s list now that I refuse”, I thought to myself murmuring like I regret saying no to Stefan.

 

How a desperate soul like me could refuse a night with Stefan? Those massive thighs of his in his long hours of bench press in the gym, those strong arms of embrace that can make anyone feel safe. His sweet beautiful smile that is so captivating that can weaken the strongest ego that I know.

 

Aggrrr… No one will refuse Stefan! Only the silly and mellow dramatic me, how pathetic is that?

 

There must be a list; I have to believe that he must have a list. No one can be that hot and perfect at the same time, impossible! He must have a flaw somewhere just like everybody else. And no one can be that hot and alone in a Saturday night. He must have a back up to cover my absence.

 

The thought of it drives me crazy…

 

My insecurity is just maddening when it overflows in my head, why am I doing this? As if torturing myself is my expertise!

 

I slept a dreamless sleep and woke up on a sunny Sunday morning. Routine defines my life and went to the church to hear the mass at Sta. Clara Monasterio in Katipunan. I pray with all my might, pouring feelings after feelings of despair and worries clouding my head. As I am about to burst into tears, I pull myself.

 

 “Oh Lord, if this is what you want then be it” I said.

 

 There must be a reason behind all of this, I know there is and I will about to find that out. What could be the lesson that I am about to learn? There is always a lesson, it might not be a life changing lesson but a spark, a little spark of lesson there must be.

 

 “Life is a big lesson I believe! And I trust you Lord” I said.

 

If there is no lesson in everything that happens in life then, what’s the point in learning? There’s no point to live. What is the point of wisdom if there is no process of learning or the point of knowledge? All is irrelevant and I could be careless… But I want to find out, I want to know, I want to learn, I want to grow and I have to face this.

 

I care so much.

 

 I have to go home and I am going home.

 

The days pass by racing like busses and jeepneys in front of me, days in and out like shoppers in the nearby Mall. Everything happen like it was plotted accordingly, the plane ticket was booked, the client confirmed to join business with our company within the week as Annie called me on Wednesday in my cellular phone, in her high pitch tone of a voice tingling excitedly in my ear telling me that I nailed the job. The days went so fast and the week ended as if everything has been plan through time.

 

 I felt cheated, how could time do this to me?

 

It seems that I wasn’t given enough liberty to consider the apprehension building inside my heart, and that time, in its sequential length decides in my behalf, unfortunate indeed.

 

 “It was difficult to delay time” I realized.

 

 “when someone live in a fast pace world, moving constantly, changing constantly, hours after hours as if the night chasing the day, it’s an impossibility to delay time” I thought.

 

I was driving my way home on a Friday afternoon, agitated on the event that will take place the next day.

 

At home I was able to pack all the necessary and unnecessary stuff I needed for this long vacation. I called Damien yesterday and he was so delighted, unable to speak and rambling with excitement when I told him the news. I’ am finally going home and this is really happening as my mind was on its low point to cope up with the idea.

 

In this new world, it isn’t easy to pack your bag and take the night bus when traveling. There’re lots and lots of stuff to consider, lots of gadget to bring, lots of clothes to wear, lots of paraphernalia’s that never existed in the past.

 

“Vanity is the fads of these new millennia”, I laugh at my self. “It is vanity that over-charge luggage to board a plane”, amuse that it took three luggages for me to pack all my things.   

 

After packing my luggages and knowing that everything I need is already jammed, I took my dinner of pasta I bought at Café Xocolat earlier ago, took a warm bath and hit the bed at around nine in the evening. I reached my Lacoste body bag at the end of the bed to double check my plane ticket.

 

Philippine Airline stated on the label of these two pages short band paper, a business class ticket, departure is eight-thirty in the morning and arrival is nine-forty-five, an estimated of one hour and twenty-five minutes flight to the city of Cagayan de oro and another three hours journey by land to my hometown.

 

Thinking about the long hour’s trip, a long drive on the country side and a chance to see the beauty of Bukidnon made me feel excited and anxious at the same time. I need to sleep early and push the excitement in my mind as I lay still waiting for the dream to kick in. I was talking to my heart, to my body, to my soul if I have one and telling them to be tame, to be at ease and relax my muscle that envelop every bones in my body. I tried very hard to forget everything, to drift into the long darkness of sleep, to be unaware of the matter that binds the material world we live in…

 

Then there it is the dream.

 

These flashes of the dream were floating in the abyss, inaccuracy and irrelevances in my own documentary inside my subconscious mind.

Author's Note

This is actually my first attempt in writing a novel.
It's a rough draft.
For fun or for good am not sure yet.
This is my unedited first chapter of this book.
Please don't mind the spelling, the grammar and punctuation marks yet.
I just wanted to know if am in the right track…
Hit me with your meanest and sweetest review as I badly needed it.

Reviews

[Coyote Poetry]

It is a very interesting story. The mind of a young girl is hard to write about. I have three daughters and a wife and still know nothing about the woman mind. I like the story and the events in this chapter. It is a very good story. Where are you taking the story?
Coyote