The Legend of Scotty Skateboard

A Poem by Ron Sanders

Scotty Skateboard is a singalong verse for pining girls. So drop those phones and cross your knees: America's infantilized culture has a fresh hero. And he doesn't need a cape and leggings

THE LEGEND OF SCOTTY SKATEBOARD

Awesome he was, with his blond locks and fuzz,

and a longboard he’d built from a sprung deck and wheels.

Knees knobbed and skinned, he could skate like the wind,

with the whole playground chasing his heels.

“Scotty Skateboard!” all the giddy schoolgirls sigh.

“Scotty Skateboard! You’re a pickle of a guy.”

Sometimes he’d brood, like a dude with a ’tude,

dreaming of worlds made of curb cuts and ramps.

Dad calls him Creep, but he skates through my sleep--

guide, mentor, hero--gnarly god of the champs.

“Scotty Skateboard!” all the giddy schoolgirls wail.

“Scotty Skateboard! We’ll forgive you if you bail.”

It was the day of the Ripper Ballet,

kids were bopping on boards for a shot at the stars.

Mongo and Pete, Li’l Mikey (so sweet!),

Snake and Sketchy, and twins Hans and Lars.

Pompoms and pee, Scotty, won’t you see me--

far away as you are, you’re forever in sight.

On your tail guard I’ll die, (did you know, Scotty, I

drew a heart on your skateboard last night?)

“Scotty Skateboard!” all the giddy schoolgirls sing.

“Scotty Skateboard! Let me wear your Winner’s Ring.”

Nervous as sharks, all the boys took their marks,

looking rad, talking bad, clowning down, faking glee.

Scotty, that dear, smirked and wiggled his rear,

OMG! OMG! Was he looking at me?

…I could see him double-tie his sneakers…he was like totally focused, man, blue eyes fixed on the sidewalk ahead…I don’t know how I lasted as long as I did…I was fading…I was all alone and swooning…the ground rolled beneath me…ellipses left and right…a gull screamed high above…but then--

Bang! went the gun. Mongo kickflipped and spun,

Hans and Lars, grabbing righteous, really ramped up the heat.

Scotty bounced free like a trained chimpanzee,

and the whole pack converged in the street.

It was madness, it was magic, it was super superb.

Scotty caught air like a balancing bear,

but, boys being boys, not a one saw the curb--

A storm drain was looming! “My love!” I screamed--

“be goofy, be square, be old school, beware!

“Look out! Look out! Look out! Look out!”

Too little, too late; was it justice or fate…

that sewer enlarged like a godawful yawn.

“Dude!” Scotty wailed. Into deep funk he sailed.

In a flash deck and heartthrob were gone.

…I felt retarded, what could I say…my Scotty Skateboard had skated away…Mom

says these kinds of things will turn out okay…but I’m too wasted now to wait for that day… Dad says he weren’t no man, or worth the time of day…but skaters rule and boy bands too, it don’t matter they’re all super-gay. With this razor blade, our love, I pray, will bleed my pain away, and take me down to Soggytown, where pretty fishes play…I’m coming to join you, Scotty Skateboard…

“Scotty Skateboard!” all the giddy girls agree.

“Scotty Skateboard! You’ll go down in history.”

down…drown…so down, my darling’s down…maybe tangled up in nets and hooks, maybe bloating, floating free…Scotty you’re the one for me, the girl I’ll never be…O Scotty!…Scotty… scotty…sco…(wall of sound fade-out).