I refuse to illuminate

It is about a soul too tarnished,that won't divulge its soft side to any.It loves,but it refuses to the any initiative to earn the love back.It is just a lazy spirit you see looming about.

I've always considered myself as something of a very simple man. Some would say I'm demeaning the standards of human life, that the bounty is wasted upon me; that I'm well suited for being an animal; that is the benchmark I've set for myself. Eat, sleep, work and make love. No dreams, no hopes, no ambitions.

But that woman made me dream for the first time. It's the sort, right? I've never dreamt before, what do I know? With the risk of sounding very maudlin, If I were an emperor, she would be my regalia. Far as I know, she is the descendant of the filth accumulated in that hellhole for eons now. She was an exception I made, for I like the angels as the angels, before any other dog as myself sniff as much as a light scent from the beauties. I enjoy the terror, the shame and the act of turning something so beautiful into something not quite chaste anymore. It's more like turning a living, breathing human into a thing. They would be bought and sold anyways, miserable luck that they possess. 

I'm getting distracted. Going back to her. Now, that woman had to endure the ignoring of being called a conquet since she knew what that meant. Brought before the gluttonous me as my magnanimous feast, I excused her unchasteness, I never knew why. Then she looked at me. The disgraced look she just casually (at least that's what I felt) fired upon me, shock me to my cores, which I never knew I had. That one glance made me reminisce of the sacrificials I have received, all the goddesses I've stripped them of their esteem, brought them down to the pits of Pandemonium. She is the damned curse of all those fair haired maiden. Well they weren't that fair haired, and certainly not your maiden anymore. They resembled t**d as I was done with them, roaming around in the darkest alleys of them starless nights.

So why is this happening to me? Why can't I look at a woman lustfully anymore? Why does it make me regret all my actions, why does it make we wanna atone for my sins? They never felt like sins, just a regular routine is all. I never touched a hair of hers, yet I go every night. Yet I'm spending all my possessions so that no other filth may disgrace her no more, or maybe she gets to garnish herself once in a while? No, no, she is not food, what is wrong with me? I spend so that she gets to have all the thing she never wanted.

Adorned by all these so called contributions, she is forced to show modesty towards her savior. Huh. One night I got the beauty to talk to me freely. How gallantly she spoke of many men and the marvelous plan she'd made for each of them. Beheading, circumcising, cutting off limb to limb, much more. But she also talks about flowers she saw when she was a child.Or maybe the little wooden house with a pleasant fire and a smoky chimney she thought she would live in once she grew up. It is dogs like I that turned this slower into a sadist, the herald of hatred and foulness. But I see her emotions. But do the others feel the same? Of course, the loathing would be much more considering than I was the one to bring them down to the streets for the first time at least. Very often I ask her, "what do you feel about me?". She stays silent.

I like to think that this silence is a sign of affection, why should she pardon me her abominable reaction then? Then again, I've learnt how to dream now. Seldom I think, let's marry her. Let's kiss her. Let's hold her in my very arms and treat all the wounds and with this make her believe in this gray world again. Make her forget every man that has disrespected her, every time she thought she should end this life. Get her a little baby that she dreams so bad of.

But I can't. My heart aches to say this out loud. But I can't. With this very limited amount of conscious that I have, I know I fell in love with her shame. Her disgraced look took my breath away. Her hatred fueled in me, new reasons to be a better man. Her atrocity that made me atone for my vices. Were she to be mine to hold, she would be a regular woman, loving eyes, warm love. I fell in love with the infamy of hers, with the stain she's covered with, with the rage intrinsic of her. I'm a fool, but not so much to give her honor and lose all that. After all, if I met her before her world fell down, I wouldn't even have looked at her, just would have treated myself good. Or, or who knows, I'm a selfish man, I just wanna climb the stairs of being a human being from an animal, and she's my stair maybe? I don't love her, (In a nutshell). Per se, is all I'm trying to say. She is my raison de'tre, affirmative to that, but not my loving material, not my abode.

Author's Note

My first serious attempt in writing,but do not hesitate to go rough.

Reviews

[bluessadmood]

My Gold if this was your first writing..then your talent is so great,and you never knew...oooohh
I never dreamed but she made me..the shy looks the hatred,the anger in her changed my life..wish I could love her..marry her ,give her babies..but them I lose my way to convert from the animal that I am to the man to be that I dream of..my first steps to dream..if I help her I will, like lose all that..
So great, what combination ,how you two came together..wish life was all came as chances like that..
How you told that beautifully..
This was a great talented work..keep writing and promise I will keep reading.
Lovely write

[normanb]

I am also very passionate type of a man who likes to write. I am composing a story here and haven,t finnished it yet.
Its an adult type of story.
Do write to me you look nice on here.

[Vasilees Sybissyl]

The story is beautiful. The first sentence draws you into the story and the last line makes us yell, "Go on!" And the middle was beautiful too. Keep writing!!

Love,
Vasilees.

[wordman]

a wonderful story about me,,a hard head lol
looks like a best seller to me

[rowan.taylorrr]

I like how it's also in a guys view, theres not enough stories like that. I enjoyed this

[Carol Cashes]

Is this Mount Olympus or Dante's Inferno? Hand to God, I think that most men want "stained" women, makes 'em feel better about their sins. Beautifully written.

[rachellynn]

From the first sentence you pulled me into this man's thoughts, and by the end of this piece you have me wanting more. I look forward to reading more from you. Please do us all a favour and keep writing.

[Antoñyo]

Pretty damn sure this is thee most 'connecting' (hmm, never used that word in reviews before) piece I've come across in years. First, huh? Well, this dish only left me hungrier...seconds? thirds?...
That's a helluva talented insight you have there. One can only assume you married this guy or read his manifesto because writing so [freakin'] well in an opposite perspective is...well, people aren't just born with that.
....or are they?

Thanks for sharing this 110/100 effort