Some Vampire Work in Progress

Work in progress

The rain from the storm that night had chilled the air. I remember it well, that night. That gun in my hand, the smell of blood filled the air. I had found him in the middle of a kill, the woman in his arms pale almost lifeless. I knew my pistol would not even make someone as old as him flinch. Even with the silver bullets engraved with ancient holy text and the centers filled with holy water. These maybe just tickle him but I have been hunting him long enough tonight it ends. I remember I only had time to fire a single shot before he moved in the blink of an eye he was in front of me and everything went black. I awoke a day later in a tub full of ice in some old motel. Standing over me was Ice, Ice Van Helsing. “Well kid you really did it this time” Ice said. “I feel like a corpse” he said with a smirk, “you're not far off” Ice held up a mirror. Two holes in his neck, the kid grabbed his neck with a panicked look on his face “no, no it can’t be how could I let this happen. Please tell me I have not turned yet, You should have cut my head from my shoulders as soon as you found me.”

Author's Note

Work in progress

Reviews

[Barbara Tennyson]

I knew my pistol would not even make someone as old as him flinch. Even with the silver bullets engraved with ancient holy text and the centers filled with holy water. --so how is the vampire supposed to know what sort of bullets the gun is carrying?
Misplace modifier: '...would not even make someone as old as him flinch...' I'm not sure of the sense of this bit: If he were younger, would he flinch? If the sense is that he, no matter how old he is, would not flinch, move the 'even' closer to what it is modifying: the flinch. That would be something like this: '...would not make someone as old as he was EVEN flinch...'

[RodRule]

First off I would like to thank you for your feedback on this. I kinda saw some of what you are saying when a found and re-read it after a year of it gathering dust. I just have not had the time to write and modify it yet. Again thank you for the review.