The Story of Adam

This is a comedy of the lives of Adam and Eve from an evolutionary perspective.

 

The Story of Adam

(based loosely on the Bible and Torah)

 

By Crystal K.

 

According to Christians and Jews, the earth is only 6,000 years old, but there is evidence that debunks that theory. People were around before that. Dinosaurs were around before that. So why do the Christians and the Jews think that Adam and Eve, who were the first people ever, came into existence only 6,000 years ago? I think I have the answer to that.

 

 

(Adam walks out of his house at high noon with a drink in his hand)

Adam: Ah! Let there be light! Wow! What a beautiful day!

 

(A man walks by)

Adam: Hey, look! I’m the FIRST REAL MAN in the world! Look at these muscles! (flexes muscles) You’ve never seen anyone with muscles as big as mine, have you?

 

Man: No, I haven’t.

 

Adam: See? I’m the first REAL MAN! God made me the first REAL man! (takes a swig of Tequila)

 

(Adam goes to hang out with his friends.)

Friend 1: Hey, Adam! Come have a drink with us!

 

(Adam has several drinks)

 

Friend 1: Hey, Adam, I hope you’re hungry. We killed a cow and we’re serving it up in a few minutes.

 

(A few minutes later, the cow is brought in, fully cooked)

 

Adam: Wow, that cow is big!

 

Cook: (to Adam) Is there any particular part of the cow you would like to eat?

 

Adam: I’ll have a rib.

 

(Adam takes a bite of the rib)

 

Adam: A toast to myself for being the first REAL man! (flexes biceps)

 

All: To Adam, the first REAL man!

 

(Adam gulps down his drink and continues drinking while eating his rib. He then passes out)

 

(Adam wakes up to find a beautiful woman sleeping in front of him on the table)

 

Adam: (trying to reach under her) Hey, where’s my rib!?

 

Eve: (sighs and wakes up) Oh, what rib??

 

(Eve sits up)

 

Adam: Oh my GOD! Those are the BIGGEST breasts I’ve ever seen! Hey, are you the first real woman!?

 

Eve: Huh? My name is Eve. Yes, I do have the biggest breasts in town; I don’t know any woman in the world with bigger breasts than me.

 

Adam: YES! You ARE the first REAL Woman! I was meant to meet you! My name is Adam, the first REAL man! (flexes muscles)

 

Eve: Yes, I’ve heard. Everyone thinks we should be together because you have the biggest muscles and I have the biggest breasts. People think we’re more evolved than everyone else.

 

Adam: Yes, we’re the first HUMAN beings! See, everyone else is just a MAN or a WOman. But you and I, we’re special. We’re HUmans!

 

Eve: Oh, you sound so romantic! I think I’m in love!

 

Adam: Let’s go to my house.

 

(They walk to Adam’s house)

 

Eve: Oh my, what a beautiful garden!

 

Adam: Yeah, it has a lot of fruits and vegetables to feed the whole town – when people get hungry, they come here, to the Garden of Eatin’.

 

Eve: And it’s so BIG!

 

Adam: Yeah, it’s a good three acres big.

 

Eve: Wow! I’m gonna love this place! (Starts skipping into the garden)

 

Adam: Don’t get lost! It’s a big garden!

 

Eve: Okay! I promise I’ll be back before sundown!

 

(Eve skips along and then rolls down a hill of leaves. She rolls near a snake that slithers away from her)

 

Eve: Eeek! A SNAKE!!!!

 

(The snake slithers behind a big tree. A man jumps out from behind the big tree)

 

Lucifer: (muttering) Damn snake….

 

Eve: Whoa! Who are you?

 

Lucifer: I am Lucifer. Nice garden you have here (smashes two flint rocks together to light his tobacco).

 

Eve: Thank you. Yes, this is mine and Adam’s garden.

 

Lucifer: I see. I heard you two are the first human beings on earth.

 

Eve: Yes, we are.

 

Lucifer: Must be wonderful, to feel superior to everyone else here. Say, these apples here taste really good. They’re supposed to be the best-tasting apples in the entire garden, and they’re supposed to quadruple your IQ level (hands Eve a bag of apples). Here, take some to your husband.

 

Eve: (smiles) Okay, thank you. Oooh, I gotta run! I told Adam I would be home before sundown. It was nice meeting you, Lucifer!

 

Lucifer: My pleasure (walks away puffing his tobacco).

 

(Eve arrives at the house)

 

Eve: (skipping into the living room) Hello, my sweetie! Look what I have (lands on Adam’s lap). Some guy gave me this bag of apples from the big tree.

 

Adam: Which big tree?

 

Eve: That one, the biggest one I saw (pointing out the window).

 

Adam: Oh no! We’re not supposed to pick apples from that tree.

 

Eve: Why not?

 

Adam: Because my boss said so. He said if I ate them that I would get banished from my garden.

 

Eve: How could you get banished from your own garden?

 

Adam: Well, actually, he owns the garden, and I work for him. He owns a big house high on a big mountain surrounded by pearly gates. Nobody knows his real name and he has many aliases. Those apples are the most expensive ones, and they rot rather quickly after they’ve been picked. You shouldn’t have picked that many apples.

 

Eve: I didn’t pick them, that guy did!

 

Adam: Well, that wasn’t very bright of him.

 

Eve: Well, darn, we’re screwed. What should we do? Would you like a bite? (bites into an apple)

 

Adam: Well….. (looks at the apple) Okay. I might as well, since I’m going to lose my job. The boss isn’t going to like this.

 

(Adam bites into the apple)

 

Adam: Oh my god! I know why that guy picked the apples! He did it so that he could buy my house!

 

Eve: Oh, that man is evil. His name is Lucifer.

 

Adam: Okay, I’ll remember him. He’s going to regret that he did this to us.

 

(The next morning, Adam and Eve are woken by a knock on the door. Adam answers.)

 

Adam: Hello boss. How are ya?

 

God: Adam, you disobeyed me.

 

Adam: I know, you told me not to pick any of those apples. Actually, it was Lucifer who picked those apples.

 

God: Ahh, Lucifer… hmm, I’m going to have a talk with him. But why did you eat one of the apples?

 

Adam: How do you know I ate one?

 

God: Your IQ is higher than normal, that’s how I know.

 

Adam: Oh no!

 

God: Well, I’m sorry, but you’re going to have to pack your bags. I can’t have my employees eating from my garden like that. I’ll supply you with a camel and a mule so that you can relocate.

 

(As Adam and Eve ride off with all of their belongings, Lucifer comes to the house)

 

Lucifer: Hey, God, I was wondering, now that Adam and Eve moved out, would I be able to have the luxury of living in their house?

 

God: No way! You were the one who picked the apples and led Adam and Eve to their demise! You of all people should know better than to be so sly and cruel. I am going to banish you from my kingdom!

 

(God then pushes Lucifer off a cliff)

 

God: Good riddance.

 

(Adam and Eve move into a new town and into a new home. They settle down and Adam gets Eve pregnant. One day someone comes to the house. Adam answers the door.)

 

Census Man: Hello, I’m with the Census Bureau. I understand you’re the first two humans to live in Baghdad.

 

Adam: Yes, we are.

 

Census Man: And how old are you?

 

Adam: I’m 300. So is my wife.

 

Census Man: WOW!! You humans are lucky. Most people around here only live to be 30 or 40 years-old, 50 if they’re lucky. Okay, and your religion?

 

Adam: We’re both Jewish.

 

Census Man: Okay… And your occupation?

 

Adam: I’m a farmer, haven’t had as much success with the crops as I had when I lived in the Garden of Eatin’.

 

Census Man: That’s understandable – we don’t get much rain here. Okay, sexual orientation?

 

Adam: Heterosexual, I think… And I think she is too. Just put down hetero for both of us.

 

Census Man: Okay… Do you smoke or drink alcohol?

 

Adam: I don’t smoke. I drink a lot, don’t know how much. At least three beers.

 

Census Man: Okay.. Highest education level completed?

 

Adam: I don’t know,  but that apple I ate awhile ago raised my IQ level. Hers too.

 

Census Man: Okay, I believe that’s all I have for today. Thank you.

 

(Adam closes the door)

 

Eve: Who was that?

 

Adam: Some census guy, he asked a series of questions. I told him we were 300 years-old.

 

Eve: (laughs) I guess they’ll believe anything we say.

 

Adam: Wait til we tell the kids our age, heh heh.

 

(Adam and Eve have two kids, Cain and Abel. Cain pushes Abel off a cliff because 1) he was jealous that Abel got all the attention from his parents, and 2) Abel made fun of him for wearing skirts. Cain later has children with Eve, one of them a son named Noah. Twenty years later, Noah is a zookeeper – he has a love for animals. One day, there is a terrible rainstorm.)

 

Adam: Noah, this storm is causing quite a mess – downtown Baghdad is flooding, and it looks like the rain isn’t going to stop anytime soon. Is there anywhere that your grandmother and I can go without having to climb steep mountains?

 

Noah: Not to worry, grandfather. I have a boat that I use to ship my animals down the Tigris River from the Persian Gulf to my zoo. I knew my boat would come in handy.

 

(Adam, Eve, Cain, Noah and the rest of the family arrive at the boat landing.)

 

Adam: My god, that’s not a boat, that’s an ark!

 

Noah: Okay, whatever. It’s big enough for all of us to fit inside, and then some.

 

(Noah herds his animals inside)

 

Noah: I love my animals – I would hate to see them get hurt in this storm. Now get onboard, quick!

 

(Everyone gets onboard. The rain pours harder and harder. Pretty soon the ark is floating. It travels through Baghdad.)

 

Adam: There goes the city and all the homo erectus and homo habilus people are getting extinct from the flood – I knew we were having this flood for a reason.

 

Noah: Yeah, I guess homo sapiens will rule this earth now.

 

Cain: And homosexuals too.

 

Adam: Look, there’s Yahweh’s or Jehovah’s or whatever he goes by these days house! His house is still safe high on that mountain.

 

Noah: Yeah. He was smart to have a house that high. Well, you know what this means, right, grandfather? We’re going to have to rewrite history, pretend that we were the first people to ever live on this earth. Forget that we evolved from a lower species of animals and pretend that grandma came from a rib.

 

Adam: Yes, that sounds like a great idea. And you know what? Now that the Census Bureau has been wiped out by the flooding, I can lie about my age again and say that I’m 900 years-old!

 

~ ~

Author's Note

This is meant to just be humorous, not an attack on religion. I hope you enjoy it.

Reviews

[Anima Inspired]

LOL Oh My GOODNESS...this was great! There are so many things that I love about this piece, everything from Adam flexing his biceps to the Cencus Bureau...HAHA...you had me rolling with this one. This was a great write, witty, original and very well crafted. I could easily see this on stage...BRAVO!!!

[Mr. Misanthrope]

This is hilarious! I can just imagine Eve being some deranged and frightfully stupid woman, skipping along in the gardens, until she trips, with that age-old 'whoopsie' flying out of her mouth and goes tumbling down a hill. Next thing she knows, she meets Satan. Lol.

This would make a great video spoof.

Hihi, seems like everyone is getting pushed off cliffs.

BEST BIT:

Adam: There goes the city and all the homo erectus and homo habilus people are getting extinct from the flood � I knew we were having this flood for a reason.



Noah: Yeah, I guess homo sapiens will rule this earth now.



Cain: And homosexuals too.

Well done on such an amazing piece! Really witty and smart. This is certainly going in my favourites section.

Luke:)

[Tieren al'Kearn]

I absolutely loved it. It was very witty and creative. I just absolutely loved the story line and the humanistic aspects of each of the characters. honestly if you could turn it into a 3 act play, you could probably wind up on broad way someday. Thank you for inviting me to read this, Crystal.

Tieren

[TL Boehm]

whew. I'm glad you said this was to be humorous because that is the first thing I noticed about it. Nicely done. (and I am a Christian if that makes a difference) Made me laugh in several spots! Great writing.

[BenightedWhispers]

Hahahaha! Oh wow this is uite humorous indeed. I don't know what my favorite parts 9of it were, because I loved it all! I cannot stop laughing! Very ingenous work. Census Bureau, "Yes, I've heard. Everyone thinks we should be together because you have the biggest muscles and I have the biggest breasts. People think we're more evolved than everyone else." "Yes, we're the first HUMAN beings! See, everyone else is just a MAN or a WOMAN. But you and I, we're special. We're HUMANS!" That made me laugh a lot. Ok I'll stop rambling now.

[Blade & Blood (The ..]

LOL! I totally love this! It really was funny ;) and definitely followed the basic idea of Genesis and Torah. You did an excellent job, and I'd hope to read some more of your work. ^^

Thank you for posting this! I needed a good laugh!

Ironically Yours, Blade and Blood

[BrightEyes]

LOL well who's to say it DIDN'T happen just this way? I applaud you for tackling such a question for the ages - attempting to reconcile religion with science - a mighty task that few even dare attempt. Myself...I have enough trouble just figuring out how to get through each day lol

[kollaboratyve]

This is a very neat work. It get right to the heart of the matter. Continue to write down your thoughts,any time you have them. I sometimes awake out of the night and jot down ideas for poems and stories. Dreams are a good source of ideas. Keep writing!

[Shane Brooks]

haha your clever n witty I like it ..did cain really impregnate eve in the bible ? nice satire i enjoyed it well thought out I'll read more if you put it up

[Staci Brown]

Crystal...

as i told you earlier this is a brilliant, witty and just down-right hilarious tale you weaved! You have talent for story-telling hon, and i hope to read more of your work soon!

also, Welcome to the Cafe! :D i'll send a note to a few of my friends here on the cafe to stop bi and read this story :D start getting you some well deserved exposure as a new talented writer :D

Faerie Blessings!

--faerie whisper (breaking the silence...)