He has no idea what I'm going through

I have been broken down so many times by one person and I cannot find the way to let it go. I don't even think he knows what I'm going through.

And yes it hurts.
Every single day I smile and tell friends family I'm over it. I'm done. No I don't have feelings for him anymore.
But I know it's a lie.
I know this because I'll go onto Instagram and see a photo of her. Nothing special, but special enough for you to always have chosen her over me. Despite every single word you said to me that I thought was special, you chose her.
I'm your soulmate, I've always stuck by you, you were only with her for her personality. You'd always repeat that to me and then do the opposite and I'd look like the stupid one in the end.
So wow.
I'd take a week or a month off. To find myself. To heal and then I'd truly feel a lot better. And one slip up I'd see you and somehow fall right back in what I thought was love, with you. You'd say all those things again, over and over again. But like all the other times, you'd leave. I was never enough for you to stick around for. I was enough when you were lonely or horny. I was enough when you needed the attention or when you needed some sort of love to fill the void. He'll change I always told myself. He'll come around.
But you never did.
I sat up many nights and all days repeating every action and every word over and over. I hated myself more and more.
And while I was thinking about you and how you told me I was your one, you were spending time with her. You're over her you kept saying. But then why were you still doing all for her that you could never do for me?
I'm not ready. I'll come around. I'll get better, for you, for us. You said.
I waited another year.
.. and another.
Don't pull anyone you would tell me. While you were trying to pull her.

My heart. Over and over it broke and over and over I asked myself what I was even doing here. Why was I even carrying on.
The pain. It worsened and got deeper. And just when I knew I couldn't handle it, you'd make me feel loved once and I'd forgive everything else you'd been doing. But then you'd do it again.
4 years, on 5, I gave to you.
The past 2, I lost myself.
You see, I'd done everything you asked and more without checking if you wanted that. While you broke me constantly, I'd put myself back together and be ready for the next time you wanted to use and abuse. Did you ever once stop and look that I was dying? That while you were using me and obsessing over her, I was trying to survive.
Did you ever once take time to look into my eyes, my heart, my soul,
And see that I loved you so deeply, no one else would ever come close.
Again you broke me.
Threw me down and then turned around and asked me why I was acting the way I was.
You made me seem a way to your friends but little did you know, you broke me. How is a broken toy supposed to function the way you want it to?
You asked me why I didn't just move on but yet you never wanted me to because I had to be on the side line for each time you needed a release.
Little did you know, I couldn't move on. I couldn't move on because you had such control over me that when you said jump, I asked how high. When you said hey I could never say bye. When you said "I don't want you" , I was put away like a completed PS3 game until you wanted to play it again.
You knew me. So much so that you manipulated and dictated my every move. I couldn't move on because I looked for you in everything and everyone. The one who made me question myself most, the one who constantly shattered my heart? I looked for you.
Every little thing you said and did ? It added up.
Now I look at myself each day and ask why. Why wasn't I enough.
Every single one you brought along I sat through and watched. I watched the blonde, the brunette, the other blonde. I watched you hurt me and then love me... and then leave me. Again.

Why are you acting this way you'd ask me.
But why aren't you?

So stay away. For my life my safety and my love, stay away. Don't hurt. Don't speak and don't think.
Do not dictate.
I'll say this and not even know if I mean it anymore but

I don't care. I don't care what youre feeling or doing with her. I don't care if you're thinking about me or thinking about my body. I don't care if you're well or if you need to me for a quick release.
I don't care.
I care about me. I care about healing and finding myself. I care about letting myself know I do deserve love. Real love. I don't care for your words or your actions because I care about me not being any part of them.

And finally I care about the truth.
You can hurt me, bruise me, lie to me. But I'm done lying to myself.

Author's Note

See my Instagram: @rochelle_vv
There's something really big I'd soon like to share.
https://www.instagram.com/rochelle_vv/