I’ll stay here anyway

I havn't been writing for a long time, so I welcome harsh reviews to get me back on track.

Her long thick hair tangles me like chains

Her prison fantasy is made of pain

Her strong brown eyes are the trap

The cell isn’t perfect, but ill stay here

 

The walls are kept strong by betrayal

A leash on my throat, not leaving this jail

Perhaps I could break through the walls of hurt

I think that Ill stay here for little while more

 

The architecture is beautifully sad

Her presence in the cold air is all I have

There are only echoes and I fall to madness

My heart and soul succumbs to blackness

 

But a beacon of hope she still remains for me

As long she needs and wants my care

I will corss over every hidden snare

Be calm and strong for her than the great seas

 

Ill smile and sing, patience is a virtue

As the walls crack, I see the midnight blue

Perhaps its my chance to escape?

But I am not going anywhere

 

Am I obsessed or addicted to this place?

Has my care for her caused me to fall from grace?

God forgive me if I have wronged against thee

But I want to stay here, for just a bit longer

 

Her happiness further causes the walls to break

The prison she made begins to wobble and shake

Every time her soul sings, every time her spirit wakes

The windows shatter, the bars snap, and the darkness starts to quake

 

I will only leave when it all turns to rubble

Only together we can end this struggle

Even if it will collapse and crush my bones

Ill wait here and sing, until its over

 

When she opens her heart to the world once more

When her faith in life and herself will restore

Only then will this all be gone,

Perhaps this will take a while, or until kingdom come

 

Her pain is my prison; her happiness is my key to feedom

But I dont mind, Ill sit here until its over, until its done

 

 

Author's Note

Please be hard on me guys. Should I improve my lexical field that depicts a prison more? Should I add some idioms or metaphors? Should I describe the girl more into depth?

(Later Edited): Hey guys, thanks for the feedback. I have made some work on this and hope that I have improved it.

Reviews

[BenKeane]

The imagery here is brilliant, I think the prison is mentioned/described just enough so that we get a clear sense of it throughout and it's effect on the character but doesn't push into being a complete description. The opening stanza is probably my favourite because it gives a strong sense of the situation we are being thrown into immediately and lies right in the perfect zone between ambiguity and explicitness, while the reworking of the title throughout the poem provides a strong foundation for the story. Personally, (and this is entirely personal opinion) I thought instead of the poem reaching a climax it began to deflate from 'I will only...', but other reviewers might have really enjoyed this. Overall though, well done! this is very strong.

[Robert Gluzman]

Hey bro, thanks for the review.
Can you please re-explain to me about the last part of your comment? I want to look into it, and perhaps and make some changes to the climax then, but I am not really sure if I understood the review correctly.

[BenKeane]

Sorry, it wasn't very clear. I think the climax just through me off a little, as in it doesn't seem to fit perfectly with the rest of the poem. Since most of the poem centres around things that are somewhat dark the transition to 'Her happiness...' and the general optimistic ending seemed to happen a little too quickly, meaning I didn't enjoy it as much. I think if there was some hint as to the idea of breaking free of the prison a little earlier on it may flow more naturally here, or on the other hand you could create a pause there/somehow indicate a big change in mood.

[Mira ThePoetess]

I beleive that any poet chooses his own way to express himself .. I find it hard to let anyone impose their own thinking upon the writer ... the poem is simply a piece of your own heart and soul .. the words are the outcome of your own feelings, emotions and experience .. you write what you feel ... it's your way that lets your readers feel your words and your passion ... your pain and your sadness or joy ... Yet, a review could tell you where some spelling mistakes are ... or where something is a bad rhyming ... but as a whole .. your poem is your own baby ..... I appreciate all the reviews I've read and understand them of course but this is only my opinion .. each poet has his own style and the only help you can get could be in your rhyming or your impact upon your readers ... other than that i won't say a thing my friend .. I felt your words and your poem sure touched me and left something in my heart .... I like it in general .. just be careful of your spelling mistakes ... you're thinking deep and laying out your questions on our table and I like the way you make me as a reader fell how you are in chains and how the woman makes you feel after all ........ Great work and keep writing until you feel that your style has elaborated itself inside you .....

[Glen Yumang Manese]

Its intent is there...and the way it develops in the lines of this story...
of two people keeping it together...its a prison sentence in a relationship...
you have to make with what you have and take it to the grave...
but I do see this needing an edit:

Her long thick hair tangles me in chains
Her prison fantasy is made of pain
Her strong brown eyes are a trap
The cell is not perfect, but I'll stay here

The walls are kept strong by betrayal
A leash on my throat, not leaving this jail
Perhaps I can break through the walls of hurt
I think that I'll stay here for a little while more

The architecture is beautifully sad
Her presence in the cold air is all I have
There are only echoes and I fall in madness
My heart and soul succumbs blackness

But a beacon of hope she still remains for me
As long as she needs and wants my care
I will cross over every hidden snare
Be calm and strong for her than a great sea

I'll smile and sing, patience is a virtue
As the walls crack, I see the midnight blue
Perhaps it's my chance to escape?
But I am not going anywhere

Am I obsessed or addicted to this place?
Has my care for her caused me to fall from grace?
God forgive me if I have wronged against thee
But I want to stay here, for just a bit longer

Her happiness further causes walls to break
The prison she made erupts, wobble, and shake
Every time her soul sings, every time her spirit wakes
The windows shatter, bars snap, and darkness starts to quake

I can only leave when it all turns to rubble
Only together we can end this struggle
Even if it collapse and crush my bones
I'll wait here and sing, until it's over

When she opens her heart to the world once more
When her faith in life and herself restore
Only then will this all be gone,
Perhaps this takes a while, or until kingdom come

Her pain is my prison; her happiness is my key to freedom
But I don't mind, I'll sit here until it's over, until it's done

---

This is just an observation...and IMPO...do what make you feel as a writer...

[Gypsy Warrior Queen]

I am by no means a trained poet. My skills are probably lacking but I will give you my opinion should you truly want it.I think you have a great basic structure for the way you want the reader to feel. I do however stumble with the meter and think that maybe you should drop the rhyming couplets. You want your readers to feel everything you feel, taste it, hear it, almost become it. I would cut it back a bit in length...not quite so wordy. A great deal can be known without words...Example:Long thick hair tangles me like chains
Her prison fantasy is made of pain
Strong dark eyes; the trap
Cells aren't perfect but here i'll stay

Walls strong by betrayal
A leash on my throat; convinced
Would I walk through walls of hurt
I'll wait a bit, testing the waters

I am really interested to re-read it when you are finished tweeking it. let me know.


If you want to return the favor ...read my poem "sleep" and listen to the background music and you will see what I mean:)

[Sami Khalil]

"Ill smile and sing, patience is a virtue
As the walls crack, I see midnight blue
Perhaps its my chance to escape?
The cell isn’t perfect but I’ll stay here anyway"

A good write with good questions. Write more till kingdom come,...:)..............