Love

I recently came to the realization that I would like to start writing again, now mind you I've never been that much of a writer in the first place. I've written about three short stories nothing mind blowing, nothing eye opening or jaw dropping. But I've always taken bits and pieces of my own life and experience and put them into them. Grant it they may have just been thoughts I wish I had said or done, and obviously in situations that I wouldn't naturally find myself, but it was a way of getting things off my chest. But most recently I've found myself wanting to write my thoughts on a specific aspect in my life. I've tended to shy away from the task of actually sitting down and making these things into written document for whomever might happen upon it to read. But as it is I have a tumblr, this is where you're most likely reading this as well I know I'll post this on my writerscafe page as well but that's more or less for my own safe keeping. Well as it were I have a tumblr and since you being a user of tumblr you most likely know quite well that there are quite a bit of posts, images, and so forth of as I'll call them "forever alone" posts. Well I can normally scroll right past one, read it, see it, and brush it off and go about my tumbling. But every once in a while one will hit me and take me back, and suddenly remind me of things that I've attempted to bury in database of my mind hidden in folder after folder after folder so that I might not be able to find it again even if I were to go looking for them for some ungodly reason. As it just so happens I just came across one of these posts in my usual plunder through tumblr. It was a post by ivializzy and it was a simple image that just said three words, no not I love you, but rather "you talk cute" and I present the tumblr who posted it and the image not to bring attention to this persons blog but rather to prove that this is based on true events, this post does exist you can go check for yourself and this is what that post evoked from me. When I saw this simple image it brought forth a flood of images and sounds in my head of this one particular girl. Now I'm sure if you're a decently good friend of mine and we've had heart to hearts or you've known me long enough you know exactly who I'm talking about, I'll call her Candice for sake of not dragging her name into this. Well anyway the words "you talk cute" just put me back to when we were dating you were my first real girlfriend, and my first and currently the only person I've ever loved. It reminded me of the way she used to say my name, the way she would call her dog over subsequently named dogdog, I know stupid name but coming from her mouth it was a perfect fit, and it still makes me smile thinking of it. I loved her with everything, from the last dollar in my wallet to my willingness to do absolutely anything for her. Now I don't want to make it seem like I was perfect and ever loving and caring where I did always love and care for her I do not lay claim to perfection. But I digress when I read one of these posts like the other night I read the last person you think of at night and the first person you think of in the morning is who you love or something along those lines, and I immediately think of you and how I do find myself still thinking about her while laying in bed spending what seems like hours trying to think of something else to get the thought of her out of my head then I think about how what ever I'm trying to think up is to simply get her out of my head so I think of her even more. And so I guess you could say I'm still not over her, which looking at it on paper I would say is pretty sad, it's literally been years since we dated. It's been years since she was mine and I hers, it's been years since I've truly been that happy with someone else. I've dated other girls since then and they've been great, not too many complaints, or at least not for this story anyway. But no other person has made me so happy to just be awake, and go to sleep knowing I have someone so special to see the next day. My whole family even loved her to death, thought she was adorable and sweet and kind, which in retrospect ended up making the breakup even harder, but that's neither here nor there. But the funny thing is I almost always find myself immediately thinking of all the good things she made me feel, and I skip right over the part where she made me feel worthless, where she literally changed me as a person, obviously not physically she didn't throw boiling hot water on my face or anything but she did change how I interact with people I know that. Most people who knew me when I dated her don't even really know the real story of what happened, and I didn't tell very many people, I think I told my best friend at the time because I needed someone to tell it to, it was a little much for me to take to the grave. Now like I said I am nor was an angel, I had my own insecurity's to deal with I might have been a little jealous at times. And I would say I crossed the line on occasion but I would feel bad about it, if I didn't find the thing's that warranted my actions. I still remember her leaving me in her room with her laptop, I don't remember where she went but I remember she was still logged on face book and so I was on it, I know bring out the pitchforks I shouldn't have been snooping what ever I'm not f*****g perfect. But I noticed on the left side where they have app's and games and such there was one labeled "zoosk" at the time I had no idea what that was. But turns out it's a dating app thing for facebook, and really this isn't too far out of what I would expect from her. Not because I expect her to go out and date other people but because I know of her own insecurity and issues with her family and father and her lack of true friends which at the time I had a good amount of. I didn't see any real signs of her making attempts at dating people but the fact that she had a profile none the less pissed me off, and the best part was. Her about me was basically sprinkled with bits of her in it, she basically copy/pasted my likes and hobbies in there with a bit of her own. She put on her favorite music my favorite bands some I know she doesn't even really care for and that really through me for a loop. But the real best part is that I never said anything, I just closed it in fear of losing her if I brought it up. And mind you now that I think of it one of the other reasons I was snoopy when given the chance was that she was always very secretive and didn't like to leave her computer on or on facebook when i was there just gave off a aura of suspicion. Well months went by and things were good, we hung out all the time and spent time with my friends as a group and just enjoyed or lives. Until I came over to her house one day as planned, and I knocked on the door and her mothers employee who was working there opened the door and let me in, so I went up to her room and she was in the shower so I just sat on the bed and saw her computer was on. So I go on and she had skype up. But she's almost never on skype well it turns out she is but she just hides her self to make it appear to be offline. And I see a dialogue between her and someone else, and I see cutesy words being shot back and forth and even the notion of love. That is when I s**t my heart out my a*s. I felt like I was in a dream state I went through and read almost all of their conversations. Turns out the kid lives in Tennessee where her father has one of his shops located and she was talking to him about going out there to visit him. And I knew the validity of he statement because she had mentioned to me about going out there with her dad. At that point I didn't know what to do. By the time she came back into the room she found I was there and I wasn't on the computer at the time I was just sitting there thinking but she saw the computer was open so she hopped on me and started kissing me and basically throwing herself at me but I obviously wasn't in the mood. I asked her to leave the room for a couple minutes I wanted to do something something so I gave her the computer and asked her to give me five minutes in there. I took her sticky note pad and wrote on it I found out what she was really going to Tennessee for and a whole bunch of other things then i put it down on her bed and walked with her down stairs to the living room I said okay go up stairs and look at what I left you and then I gave her one last long kiss, and she went up stairs then I snuck out the front door and ran to my car which was parked down the street and drove off. I remember she texted me calling me a dick on my way home and I remember I had Armor For Sleep's cd in my car and I was listening too car underwater, and while listening to the chorus "even though you left and abandoned me I would still die for you" and it rang true in my hear that even though I had never been so hurt before, I was crushed I couldn't help but think that I would still die for her and that hurt a lot. So when I see those "forever alone" posts I still find myself thinking back on those times when I have never been happier, I think back of how you'd look at me with those beautiful blue eyes and the way I'd brush your red hair behind your ear. Even though you broke me as a person. I find myself worried that I won't ever find someone that I love as much as I did her as a 19 year old kid, and I'm afraid that I hit my peek at 19 and everything else just can't measure up to a 19 year old kids notions of love because I'll be honest, I am no where near as open as I was back then. I have a much harder time letting someone in, being venerable with someone trusting anyone like I did with her. But I'm sure one day I won't even remember her face, but it's a weird feeling knowing its been just about 4 years and I still find myself thinking about her at night.