Chapter 1A Chapter by Kuroko ChigokoroI slit my wrist yet again. And the rush comes.
I'm sitting in the bathtub naked in the water. I feel the pain as I watch the blood flow out of the cut go down my arm and drip into the water.
My name is Kurai Chi (dark blood). I'm 17 and I'm Japanese, emo, and gay.
The school I go to is a major homophobic school. I'm the only gay in the school and I get bullied all the time because of it. I actually went to the hospital a couple of times because of it.
I've begged my mom to move me to a different school but there isn't any other school where we live. And she can't drive me 30 miles just to take me to a different school when there's one just a mile away.
She doesn't know the pain I'm going through. I told her it was just an accident the couple times I went to the hospital.
I'm also the only Asian in the school so they know who I am right away.
My school found out I was gay 2 years ago when I confessed to my crush. I didn't know the school was a major homophobic place and if I did I would've kept quiet.
The couple of friends I had when I came out left me.
I've been all alone since then. Not a single person comes to defend me.
You can kind of tell I'm emo just by my looks too. I have long jet black hair that goes a quarter down my back. Choppy. Bangs long enough to cover up my eyes completely. I always wear dark makeup around my eyes. My skin is as white as a vampires from lack of being outside. I always wear the blackest tees and skinny jeans. And I usually wear long sleeves, but if it's too hot I wear wrist bands to hide the cuts. But 9 times out of 10 I just wear long sleeves or a hoodie.
I live in a very small town. Only about 2,000 people live here and only about 200 at the high school since most of the population is mostly old people or little kids. So the truth about me being gay spread through the school very quickly and eventually the whole town. About half of the people don't mind but the other half hate me.
I've been debating what to do. Either A: commit suicide. Or B: somehow graduate high school and move to a far away place.
Most of the time I consider A since I'm failing practically all my classes. I never do my homework, never study for test. I'm surprised I made it this far. I never study since I'm just too depressed most of the time.
The only class I'm passing with an A actually, is Art. I absolutely love art. And I'm one of the best artist in the school, so the art teacher is the only one that likes me. He allows me to hang out in his classroom during lunch or when class is just too much to bear.
But I know art can't cure my problem. I cut everyday when art isn't enough. A lot of the time, creating some sort of artwork takes away my pain. But not always.
If I didn't come out, would that mean I would have a lot of friends? My art teacher said I would've been pretty popular cause of my art skills and personality. But they can only see that I'm gay, they don't look any farther than that. Maybe I should just become straight so I don't have to deal with the pain anymore. Though then they'll want me to prove it and I just cannot stand being with a girl. They are so annoying.
I just realized my wrist stopped bleeding. Should I cut it again or get out? I'll get out, I have a art project to work on anyways. I drain the water and quickly rinse all the blood down the drain. I wash my wrist in the sink to remove the leftover blood.
"Kurai! Time to eat!" I jumped as my mom knocks on the bathroom door.
"Uh, I'll be there in a sec mom."
"Ok." I hear her walk away.
After drying myself off I quickly put my clothes on.
I don't know how, but mom knows nothing about the pain I feel. She never pays attention to my grades either.
I walk downstairs to the dining room. She sets down a plate of spaghetti in front of me. In the past I probably would've dug right in since it's one of my favorite meals. But I just slowly eat it.
You're probably wondering where my dad is. He and my mom got a divorce before I was born. So I never knew him. It happened cause dad never wanted a child and when he found out mom was pregnant he got angry. She refused to get rid of me and he left. So it's just been my mom and me. Least she doesn't care that I'm gay. It's just she's ignorant to the pain I'm feeling. Though every once in a while she wonders why I haven't had a boyfriend yet and I just say I haven't found anybody yet.
My mom puts her fork down. "Son, I've been ignorant of this too long. I know you've been cutting yourself."
I suddenly look up and stare at her with wide eyes.
"What's going on hon?"
"Um." should I tell her? I look down trying to avoid her gaze.
"Kurai, please, tell me everything. I can tell that ever since you came out 2 years ago you've been getting worse and worse."
"I-I thought you didn't care." my eyes start to tear up.
She notices and quickly walks around the table and hugs me.
"No Kurai, I do care, I've watched your grades drop and fall deeper and deeper."
"Then why did you ignore it for so long!?" I suddenly yelled.
"I was hoping you'll fix it yourself. But deep inside I knew you weren't going to. And I didn't really want to get myself involved. I've been a terrible mother haven't I?"
I shake my head. "I understand why you didn't want to get involved."
She nods slowly. "Do you want to tell me everything honey?"
"Um." I hesitate.
She shakes her head. "I understand if you don't want to tell me."
"No-" I suddenly stop. She looks at me. "I-I want to tell you, but I'm afraid how you'll react."
"It's ok honey, I will react responsibly."
I slowly nod. "Ok, I'll tell you." I then quickly explained everything that happened in the past 2 years. Everything that happens at school, around town, in my room. Everything.
After I was finished she hugs me tightly. "So that's why you went to the hospital twice?"
I nod.
"Oh god." her eyes glass over signaling that she's about to cry.
"Mom, umm, I'm tired. May I go to bed?"
She nods and let's go of me.
I get up and walk up to my room. She may know now, but it's not gonna change anything at school. © 2012 Kuroko ChigokoroReviews
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5 Reviews  Last Updated on October 18, 2012 Author
Kuroko ChigokoroPeoria, AZAboutHello! I'm 19 and currently attending a state university studying Graphic Design! Though I love to do Illustration type art. :) I love to draw and I also love to write. I love yaoi which is what inspi.. more..Writing
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