Dreamy moon

About a moon. I think its original. Am I right??

The Moon was a silky pearl

in the dark moony sky

it shone like the pearls on my necklace

which my husband bought for me

last November because 

he forgot my birthday.

Everyone forgot my birthday. :(

So romantic boat ride

was the solution

to my evolution

Eric got on the boat and said

'Oh no! I forgot to bring the necklace!'

I wanted him dead

Instead

he began to sing: 

"Moon moon way up high

when you twinkle in the sky

I want to lick the cheese

of the moon's surface please

Like wallace and gromit

there will be a...robot

that collects moon cheese

I wonder if the taste is sweet..."

Hiss singing was like a choking bird

music to my ears

lyrics flying up to the moon

the moon's gift was cheese for me

it dropped out of space and 

landed in my mouth

I said 'Yum. That's good cheese.'

Then Eric picked the cheese out of my teeth 

and licked it too.

He then kissed me real hard.

It was nice.

"I hate you."

He wasn't my husband at all.

He was the moon.

Author's Note

Honest fedback pleas :) x

Reviews

[J.P. Bristow]

I liked the subject matter and the creative use of modern reference and child like wonder..I liked the first four stanzas but then it kind of rambled for me....you write with a sense of wonder and subtle humor but it leaves you slightly sad......no one should be alone on their birthday. ....

[RivuletofSorrow]

That was insightful. The poem came from personal experience. It hits me deeply.

[Ramiza]

I'm not really much of a poet... so I don't really know what to say... but I can see that your style of writing is very... humorous. Based on all the stuff that I have read, of course. It's not something that I can take seriously since they keep going in that particular direction. But I do enjoy reading it, though. It's a lot of fun :)

[laalaxox]

Loved the way you constructed this and the way you incorporated the subject matter! :)

[Fenix Flight]

I love the flow but had a hard time keeping up. It is really really good though :-D

[RivuletofSorrow]

Thank you so much. Yeah I think fast like a hamster on a wheel.

[Fenix Flight]

Hamster on a wheel. haha That image is now seared into my brain haha. Nicely put

[Thea]

This was creative and unique. I didn't expect the ending though. This reminded me of my best friend who is going to celebrate her birthday tomorrow (and wow I hate myself because I won't be there for her). I like how you made this poem flawless; the flow and the narration. Definitely a great work.

[RivuletofSorrow]

Wow thank you lots xx

[Michael (Letters and Li..]

I like the reference to Wallace and Gromit. This poem was very unique and different. But I like it. It's a nice breath of fresh air. Good job! :)

[RivuletofSorrow]

Thank you, yeah I sometimes wonder why people never mention that the moon is made of cheese in their moon poems :)

[Matching Socks]

Definitely different, good story telling here.
I like the playful humour you injected into this.

[RivuletofSorrow]

Thank you babes xx

[ron]

Very interesting poem. You put a lot of emotions in a short poem, very nice.

[Rene Salinas]

Well it seems to run through you a fluid and sanguine quality it is akin to early spring and the willingness nature has to blossom. It happens then that you invite people to travel with you and here is where the challenge is presented to me (personally). As I try to follow your youthfulness you quickly ask me to deviate and present me with a new idea every other paragraph which makes my ADD dizzy and I have to go back to see if I am actually following the idea or not. I do also after three meetings starting to get to know Eric and there is always a risk that I may start to annoy him.
But just as it started the resounding freshness of good will it is enchanting.
Thankyou

[RivuletofSorrow]

Thank you so much :) It means so much coming from you. I know my poem is very poetic and complex. Oh I didn't realise there was an Eric in every story! I guess I just love the name.

[ellie_irwin]

wait... what? lol, that was interesting...?

[RivuletofSorrow]

What don't you understand?

[ellie_irwin]

i understood it, i just never read anything like this that's why im kinda... shocked, i guess? and i find it different and interesting. lol :)

[RivuletofSorrow]

Shocked? wow, never knew my work could provoke such a reaction. I feel truly blessed by your [INSERT BIG WORD HERE] comments that inspire me to contnu writing in this surreal, magical style. :) x