My Letter To You

Ok, so this really isn't that much of a poem. It is more of a spoken word piece or something along those lines. It took me a little while to write this one. It's pretty much my entire broken heart.

It has taken me about 3 months to write this to you. Usually I have a 3 day break up policy but this time was a lot different for me so here I am. 

Like our relationship, or maybe every relationship, the beginning of this letter with start off pretty good. 

I loved you a lot. There are many ways of describing a lot.. I could come up with at least 50 different metaphors for how much I loved you but it still could not describe what I felt. I know it seems lame considering we were only 18-19 years old but bear with me here. This love was a love that had been growing for a few years (specifically 3). I don’t know about you but I felt it since the first day I arrived at St. Mary’s. I saw you in my first period class and I even told all my friends you were the cutest guy at my school. What started off as a lame school girl crush grew into something so much more than I could’ve imagined and now here I am, writing this letter for you. 

In the beginning, you fucked up. Now I kind of see it as God or life itself foreshadowing our relationship but who knows? Everything that happened with her just made me lose trust in everything about you. I felt like I couldn’t believe a single thing you said and it scared me. So, for that year, I spent my time in another relationship trying to get my mind off you as you did the same. Grade 11 was a pretty bumpy year for us, but we made it through. I tried so hard to avoid you throughout that year but couldn’t keep away for some reason. You always had a way of popping back up in my life (this is an important thought for later on in the letter). 

After a horrible year of not talking as much, I finally decided to put my feelings on the line and just trust you. I’ll never forget the day too, we went to warped tour with your cousin and Souph as well as my cousin. It was the start to an amazing summer with you and I just never wanted it to end. It was also the summer I asked you out. That day we did shrooms together, it just showed me all the love I had for you and I asked you out. At that moment, time froze. Last time I really truly loved somebody it fucked me up. Yeah, I had other relationships but when we ended it really never bothered me. This time, I decided to put my heart on the line for you. I truly thought I had found the love of my life and that no matter what happened we were going to work things out. I thought we were meant for each other but boy was I wrong. 

Now, don’t get me wrong, the relationship was not throughout entirely horrible. Well at least not for me. The beginning for me was pretty iffy, since I was still gaining your whole trust back. It took a few months to do it but my love for you was so strong I just wanted to trust you and I finally got to the point where I did. I also know I had a pretty big jealousy problem. I think it was because I was so insecure since what happened with her and I just couldn’t handle it. I also caused a few problems with a certain guy that popped up in our relationship. You really thought I was cheating on you with him. Boy you were wrong. I know I hid the fact that him and I were speaking but it truly was because I knew you would’ve gotten angry. It was still wrong, and I completely lost your trust. You really never let me live it down throughout our relationship. I felt like crap about it every single god damn day because you just would always remind me how much I fucked up and then I almost lost you. 

That week we were broken up, I was extremely heart broken. I didn’t want to leave my house, I felt like world shattered in a million pieces. The worst part was that you didn’t know whether or not you wanted to get back together with me. I had to try my hardest to try and put the pieces back together. Honestly, it really got to the point where I was just going to walk away. I was just so frustrated that you made it seem like you wanted to be with me but then when I asked you just said you had to think about it. When looking back at it now maybe it would have been better if we just walked away. Or if you just left me and left it at that. Now I question whether or not if you came back because you wanted to or if you came back to please me. Whatever the reason, things went completely downhill from there. 

I could feel it in my gut that things were off. I knew deep down that you didn’t like me anymore, I just didn’t want to admit it to myself. I knew something was up but I didn’t want to know. You kept accusing me of cheating and every time you did a part of me died inside because you didn’t even know how much I loved you, or so that is what I thought. I couldn’t say anything without you accusing me of lying. I couldn’t go anywhere without you accusing me of lying. Even when I had shown you all the proof I could even come up with, you always said it wasn’t enough. I was always confused by that. No matter how much proof I showed you that I was faithful and loyal, you still didn’t believe me. That’s when I started to realize what was going on. That’s when I started to think that maybe it wasn’t me, but you. 

“Hey, How’s things going?”, I saw it pop up on your screen with an unfamiliar name. I didn’t jump to any conclusions. I didn’t even get angry. I didn’t even ask right away. I guess I didn’t ask right away because I was a little afraid but it ended up just eating my insides up and I just had to ask. You were calm and told me the truth right away, which gave me a sense of relief. That’s when I asked, if you guys have ever texted before and you replied with yes. My heart sank, because he and I both knew the conversation prior to that text had been deleted. Yeah, I got angry, but you didn’t really help with it at all. You had to delete the conversation because you were talking about our relationship? You know I’m not an idiot. Sometimes I think you wanted me to know so I would finally leave. 

After a few days I finally decided to take matters in to my own hands. I got the girls number from your phone and I decided to text her. I guess this is the part that really threw you under the bus. All I did was text her saying Hey, but her reply was so lengthy about how you and her are nothing other than friends and how she is no threat to our relationship. When I saw the long a*s message, I deleted the conversation and just turned off my phone. You probably should’ve planned it out more effectively beforehand and maybe it wouldn’t have been so bad.

Not to long after you showed up to my house. I remember the day specifically because it was the day before orientation day for school (I ended up not going haha). It was pretty late at night because you just finished your shift at work. I already knew what was going on, I could feel it in my chest and the pit of my stomach. We sat in silence for a while. I started crying like a blubber face, it was so embarrassing. You didn’t even seem phased, and there I was, balling my eyes out, clenching my chest as all I felt was pain. I guess in the moment I wasn’t really worried about how I looked, thoughts racing through my mind. I tried with all my heart and soul to keep our relationship alive. I sacrificed my family relationships, my friendships all for you. Then a wave of memories just flooded my mind, starting all the way in grade 10. I knew that with us breaking up, I didn’t just lose this guy that I thought I was in love with but also my best friend. 

I know you wanted to try and stay friends, and I honestly really wanted to try too but you were too much of a child. Now, it may seem as though that the worst part was our break up, but honestly, after the break up is what really crushed me. I found out so much s**t after you left. Well, after you accused me of cheating on you again and calling me a stupid f*****g w***e and telling me to get the f**k out of your life. It’s funny how the truth comes out once you’re already gone. It really opened my eyes to who the true people are. I found out about how you cheated. It was pretty s**t, but I also wasn’t surprised. I think the worst part of this whole thing was that I trusted you so much. For real man, I never thought you could ever lie to me. I was so blind. It also gave me a sense of relief. I finally realized that it wasn’t me, it was you. 

Well, I could keep this letter going on about how you messaged my friends after we ended, started spreading petty rumours about me and my friends etc but I won’t. Yeah, our break up affected me a lot. Look at me now, I’m not in school, I’m all the way back at square one. My whole life was planned for our future and all of a sudden you changed your mind and I was left suffering. It’s okay though, I’m happy for you. I’m happy you finally are free of this because I know you weren’t happy. I’m happy you have your life set and in order because at the end of the day, I don’t think you are a bad person. You did some bad things to me but I will never see you as a bad person. 

For so long, I had been holding in all these feelings in because I didn’t want to feel the hurt of the break up. I pushed my feelings deep inside and just ignored it until I blew. I put my life on hold because of this break up and its time for me to move on. I wrote this to help me be free of this hold you have on me, even though I’ve tried so hard to deny it. And as I wrote this letter, I probably cried 500 times, which I haven’t done not even once for these 3 months since our break up. This is my letter to you. 

Author's Note

I'd love for any type of criticism because I am really young and just trying to improve as much as I can. If I have made many grammatical errors let me know.

Reviews

[SuspectGray]

more of a story than a poem....not that it wasn't interesting

[Emilia Fox]

Yeah i wrote that in the description, wasn't really sure what category to put it under but thank you