Seventeen?

A Poem by Riss

How many days has it been since I've slept?
I exhaled and my words went with it, dissipated into the air and caught the sun columns like dust spheres.
My heart was pounding. Such a rhythm that I fall to when I worry, when I shutdown, and as of now such a rhythm that could end me. I didn't want to hear it. I turn my head and curl into the concrete bed, trying to escape what I couldn't. What's a life without

Jittering. Shakes. How long has it been since my heart shook? Since you wrung it out, every drop of blood, every drip from a sugarcube, life tainted until your lips met mine

Vanilla mornings What day was it last that I, that I fell so sweet against the sheets and for an hour was my pure self, was the girl I used to be and didn't have to try, when was it last that I let my hair down and tied it up again, that my eyes brimmed with a meaning with a feeling?

My legs shiver under the sheets. I tick my fingers against my ribs and wonder where the sun has been since they ached last, how much time has slid by since it painted me and watched my bare skin running through the grass, sweating sugar, laughing and holding (tighter), simmered the love I swear to you, honey as we kiss, on my lips?

I feel a noise in my chest under my own arms wrapping around my hips, pulling me together. Was it summer last
that you traced the scars on my legs? Let me watch you learning to love every pore of me, last that my eyes watched yours fall on me, last that they saw Pride in your fire eyes, for me? All for me? Do you?

Which was that four a m thunderstorm
that only i heard
while i was dying to bang my skull against your wall
watching my hands curl into fists, laying upside down in bed away from you because...
which night did i make myself sick.
felt my throat close up and felt my spine burn and burn and felt just like this, felt as if i wanted to never touch this bed, these sheets, your sight
Wanted to cease being
wanted so desperately, to never, never again be me, NEVER be this stupid ugly girl if it took a whole life
wanted so hard as steel in my stomach to, for you,
Not be me
not be me
please
not be me

How many days has it been since I've dreamt?
since i've laid down in my prisoner bed and not woken til morning
been allowed to close my lids and count my breath, not feel it coming
not feel my stomach fill with panic
been allowed to lay down and know i've got nowhere to go.
Known for sure (safe) that no one's, no memories, are going to chase me, chase me senseless

Chased me senseless, pushed me out of myself, to the edge of the last thing that I have
where pale blue silk sheets call me to tumble through them
where I promise myself you'll be waiting, to pull me onto your lap and make me Mine
If all i've ever wanted, (we spoke once. you recognized how many times my feet hit the ground pounding for my life, only for them to take me right back)

I've waited my whole life for you. I don't care how stupid it sounds coming from my quiet mouth, you'll never understand what I was without you
If you want me
take me
because this is it.
I have everything else in the world to give you, to owe you
but this is me. my bottom line. I've waited my entire life for someone to run to when I'm running, to owe forever, for one thing.

I breathe in and taste morning
Open my eyes (the first time) and the only thing they look for are yours,
Laying next to mine
wonder How long have you been sleeping?
You open your gorgeous eyes (the first time?)
And I go falling in, goodbye