"O" Brother

Micro Story

He's got a sticker book smile.

Teeth, bleached egg-shell white.

His whip? A Mercedes.

A Summa Cum Laude, Yale grad.

A doctor. A heart surgeon.

Me? I'm a male nurse.

I ride the bus to work.

I'm not a failure but it's the first word that comes to mind.

But here she is on my doorstep, to remind me it's Friday.

Fridays he's on call. So he sleeps at the hospital.

"You shouldn't be here." I say.

"But I am" she says pouty lipped, rouge two shades of red too bright. Caked on make-up, Jersey Shore orange.

"Let's just have a bite and catch up inside." She offers.

"My fridge has nothing but vodka and orange juice."

"Perfect." she says "My favorite." And smiles with delight.

We're three drinks in and she's telling me how he f***s her like she's a flower.

How he's too tired after work.

Spouting off how boring he is.

"Why are you with him then?"

"A girl has needs you know." She says taking off her boots.

Stripping off her Vera Wang blouse. Hiking up her skirt.

Jack Rabbits don't f**k this hard. Hibernating grizzlies, they don't sleep this good.

I wake up alone thinking how my brother: the heart surgeon, while he was saving lives.

I was saving his marriage.

Author's Note

Ignore conventional rules of grammar. The idea is to tell an entertaining story, the way you'd hear one in real life. Maybe around a campfire. I wanted minimalistic sentences as well.

Reviews

[Daniel Towers]

I like that first-person "ordinary guy" storyteller narrative told in a present-tense we somehow know are events that happened in the past, much like they way we tell our stories orally. If you're going to use those "poetic-looking" line breaks, though (I think it would have been fine in conventional narrative prose form) there are a few lines I'd splice together into one because I thought the speaking voice wouldn't break the flow in those moments. And I didn't think you needed to bold "Me?" I thought it would be fine "untouched" and paired up with "I'm a male nurse" on a single line. Great ending. Never would have guessed except for the title since he never says "brother" until the end. :-)

[The Twin Arenas]

pretty good, man! Polish this up a bit and stuff, spend some time with it. You got one.

[Lizzie Mitchell]

Wow you told a whole story in less than 30 line.
The emotions where there, characters, theme
Nicely done
My only critique is that I had to read it twice to understand it.
I would consider revising the way you introduce the female into the piece.
You throw in "she" after talking about the brother and then it goes right back to talking about him again
It sounds really good when I re-read it but it did confuse me in the beginning
Overall great piece. You definitely have talent.

[RileyRedding]

Thank you very much! I'm glad you liked it. I'm always concerned people will take my writing, and characters the wrong way, leaving them upset. I agree it is a tad confusing at the previously mentioned points of reference. So in your opinion. Should I reverse these lines?

But here she is on my doorstep, to remind me it's Friday.

Fridays he's on call. So he sleeps at the hospital.

[Lizzie Mitchell]

I do like it the way it is. Maybe it's not even a problem. Sometimes you do have to re-read things to gain a full understanding. And I could just be the only one who was confused by it.

[Coyote Poetry]

A very entertaining story. You set-up the ending perfect. You are a very good storyteller. I liked how you led to the surprise ending. Thank you for sharing the excellent story.
Coyote

[RileyRedding]

Thank you very much! So glad you enjoyed it.

[Coyote Poetry]

You are welcome.

[icomeanon_13]

An interesting take on cuckolding. The fact that it's his brother makes it all the more distasteful, though the structure and imagery of the poem are just the opposite.

I'm not sure how screwing your brother's wife is saving his marriage, but other than that, it's well written.

[RileyRedding]

Thank you for the review! Screwing his brother's wife is in no way saving their marriage. (Unless of course the only marital problem they have, is that they both want her to sleep with his brother) It was meant more as our narrator giving us his deluded rationalization.

[icomeanon_13]

Ah, well that makes better sense. And now I'm embarrassed I didn't realize that. (I just got a review of a poem I wrote that was way off, so now I get to be on the other side).

[RileyRedding]

Writing is beautifully subjective like that. When it comes to traditional poetry. I'm often quite lost.