Chapter 1

 

The apartment door, ajar, swung open with a swift kick delivered to the bottom.
“Hello?” I said, throwing down my backpack onto the kitchen table and taking off my apron. “Jeff? Is that you?” A distracted grumble came from the couch. “C’mon now this is serious. How many times have I told you not to leave the door open? We’re going to get ripped off one of these days.”
“Hey Mike, listen to this. I’ve got a great idea.” A man in his mid twenties said, ignoring my last sentiment. His arms were thrown over the back of the couch, feet up on the makeshift coffee table, utterly relaxed. “Tonight we go down to the club, have a few drinks and see if we can’t get ourselves some girls. Because personally, I don’t know about you, but I am really ready to kick it up a notch. Ever since we got all stiff with jobs and s**t we haven’t exactly been partying, and it’s seriously bumming me out.” He said, pained by the idea. I sighed as he continued. “A good looking guy like me can’t be caged up all day; it’s no good for my ego. What do you say?” Jeff said, as he broke his concentration from the game he was watching to look at me.
“I don’t know man; I’m kind of tired, long shift. It hasn’t really been that long since we’ve gone out, has it? We just went out last week, right? Yeah we went down to that pub on Main Street.” I said, loosening my tie and throwing it down next to my backpack.
“No, that wasn’t last week. That was…last month I think. You were still with that girl, what’s her name, Allie was it?”
“Angie, Jeff, it was Angie.”
“Well either way, it was one hell of a long time ago. Too long in fact, so that means we’ve got to get our asses out there. Am I right?”
“Yeah I guess, I really don’t feel like going out tonight, I had a long day at work, and I just want to have a beer, maybe watch some T.V., and go to bed.”
“What’s the difference if you have the beer here, or at the club?”
“Well for one that whole bed part can’t come after it.”
“Well it could, and even better, it would be with some hot chick. Am I right?” He said, feeling witty and obviously proud of what he conceives as brilliance.
I hate it when he acts like that. Just completely unemotional towards everything. To him life is just about partying and getting laid. There was no such thing as responsibility for him, no wonder he has been living with me since we graduated high school. A true freeloader. I figured I should just humor him at this point; I really didn’t want to argue when I knew I would just loose anyway.
“Yeah sure.” I said ineffectually, dismissing the thought. “Jeff, I’ll go with you. Let me just shower and change.”
Jeff snorted. “Shower? Ha, you don’t need to shower, I’m not going to and I’m fine.”
He said, scratching his day old unshaven face with the hand that wasn’t holding a nearly empty bottle of beer.
“Like I said, let me just take that shower.”
“Whatever dude, whatever. I’ll be right here.”
“No s**t.” I muttered, walking away, a little angry. It’s not like this sort of thing didn’t happen all the time, but by twenty-five it would be nice to be living on my own and by my own. To not be bossed around by someone for once. I really don’t mind him hanging around; it’s true he’s my friend, but there comes a point where you need to draw the line, and that point was a long time ago.
I shut the door to my room and unbuttoned my shirt. I took a quick glance in the mirror and examined my face. Normal, average, of that I’m sure. Green eyes set at a normal distance apart, nose not large, not small. My lips thin pinkish lines set against my barely tanned skin, reddened from the cold breeze outside. I could never get any true color to my face, going outside in the sunlight always hurt too much, I burn too easily. If I’m in direct sunlight I can almost feel my skin sizzling under its rays. It’s rather upsetting, because I do love the outdoors, but it’s purely a love-hate relationship, me being on the negative receiving end. There must me something amazingly attractive about the lack of pigment in my skin, for every insect that bites finds its way to me and has it’s self a little feast. I pulled at the cowlick that had formed on the side of my head. I never really could figure out why my hair always managed to stick up in one way or another. It’s not like I cut it that way, it just always gets messy. It’s like a big brown mop sitting on my head, that or a small animal; I’m really not sure which. I shook my head to try and get it to lay smooth. No such luck. I can’t say my face is childish, but it doesn’t yet look like a man’s, still too soft. I’m beginning to doubt I ever will, but at least I wont look like my father. I have the same build as him, slightly muscular, but still small. It’s the same with all of the men in our family, none of which stand over six feet. I push that marker, being 5’ 11’’. Overall, I guess I was pretty happy with myself, not that it really mattered much.
I took off the remainder of my clothes and started the shower. I turned the mildewed knob to hot, and waited for it to begin to steam. I hopped in and let the searing water redden my skin. It feels good to have it numb your body with its heat, a total detoxification in a way, soaking away the pains of the day. I quickly rinsed myself and washed my hair, then just stood in the stream of the water, simply enjoying the quiet.
I pulled back the curtain and grabbed a towel, then wiped away the condensation from the small mirror in front of me. I quick brushed my teeth and toweled my hair decently dry. I took a look in the mirror, examining the now evident stubble on my face. I thought about shaving, but I was just too lazy. It makes me look older anyway, dignified I guess you could say. Walking back into my room, I threw on a new pair of jeans and a gray t-shirt, with a blue button-down over it. I pulled on a pair of sneakers and grabbed my wallet, keys and cell phone from the other pair of pants. I then headed back to the main room to find that Jeff hadn’t moved a bit since I left.
“Ready to go princess?” Jeff called as I went to grab my coat. “All beautiful for the ball?”
I snorted in false laughter. “Ready to go a*****e?”
“Commercial.”
“Are you kidding me? You’re the one who wants to go out.”
“But the game is on.” Jeff whined, sounding like a little kid complaining to his mother.
“Jeff…hot chicks.” I reminded him, pretending to hold the same interest has he did.
“I’m up!” He replied, immediately turning off the television and rising from the couch. “Let’s roll.”
We pulled up outside the club around 8:30, just as things were about to get going, a line forming at the door. A big man, obviously overconfident, stood at the head of the line in an undersized black t-shirt, checking ID’s.
“Oh hey, I know this guy.” Jeff said, as we were walking towards the door. He suddenly picked up speed excitedly as he got closer to the bouncer and the front of the line.
“What are you doing Jeff; the lines back here, now be a good boy and stand at the end like the rest of us.” I replied, swinging my arms toward the line. “Yeah, your not going to listen to me are you?” I added in Jeff’s general direction, with no response. “No, didn’t think so.” He kept walking, and I had no choice but to follow. When we got to the front, I wasn’t at all surprised by what he was trying to pull. It’s always the same, maybe a little variation or two here and there.
“Hey, I know you. High School? Yeah you were in my Gym class, keeping up the Physique I can see.” He said smoothly, giving the man a little play punch in the arm. I’ve got to give him credit, he always manages to makes the story he weaves believable.
“What the hell do you want?” He replied, not looking up from the ID he was checking.
“Well, my friend would like to get into this fine establishment, and would appreciate you cooperation.”
I opened my mouth in protest, but was cut off.
“Then get on the line.”
“Ah yes, the line, but let me ask you something. Do you see this man right here?” he motioned to me, and leaned in a bit closer, lowering his voice. “He has an issue with lines, can’t stand on them for too long or else he goes into this fit of rage. He…”
I cut him off by sticking my hands in my coat pockets and walking away. Another thing I hate about Jeff, is he feels the need to use other people in his lies. Evidentially only helping himself, and even that is a stretch of the imagination. Sometimes I truly can’t stand it, especially when I’m the unfortunate puppet in his escapade.
“Mike, wait up, Mike.” He called as he jogged over to me, abandoning his story. “Dude, what was that about? He was about to let us in!”
“Jeff, what the hell are you smoking? He wasn’t about to let us in, he was about to kick your a*s. Granted, I wouldn’t have stopped him at this point, but I didn’t want to be a part of it. I’m here as a favor to you, so I’d appreciate it if you made it as painless as possible.”
“Chill, ok? I’m sorry, seriously, lighten up. What’s the matter with you lately?” He asked, getting into line next to me.
“Nothing.” I said, looking over my shoulder. He was right, something was wrong, I couldn’t say what, but it’s just one of those moods. Granted, it’s one that’s lasted for the last three months. Jeff pulled a cigarette from his pocket and took out his lighter; he shielded it from the wind with his hand and lit it effortlessly. Through many years of practice, he has managed to master the Hollywood cigarette light, perfectly flawless. I started to drift off, looking around at everyone and everything. Sometimes I can’t help it, I observe too much. I see insignificant details no one else seems to catch, like I would remember if someone had a small scar on their right middle finger. Useless talent it is, honestly, I’m never going to use it. I started looking at the mass of white fog above the crowd in front of us from their collective breath. Before I could get too lost in contemplation I felt someone bump into me.
“Watch it will you?” I said over my shoulder.
“Who do you think you’re talking to?” a dark voice replied.
I turned around to see what this dirt bag looked like. He was tan, as were his friends. They all wore black bandanas somewhere on their person, but specifically this thug wore it around his forehead. He had it folded over into a band, and his hair spiked up behind it. He wore two diamond studs in his ears, and one small silver hoop. He wasn’t much taller then me, but he was twice as muscular. His white wife beater shirt and baggy pants were a cliché, and I couldn’t help but find humor in them. I tried hard to conceal it, but a smirk worked its way across my face.
“Oh so you’re a funny guy, eh?” he said, taking a step towards me menacingly.
“You should really look at yourself if you want to see humor.” I said nonchalantly, knowing once I had finished the sentence these guys didn’t have a sense of humor, and I had said the wrong thing. They weren’t the ones to mess with, but I couldn’t really care less. He cracked a smile, white teeth and all, and looked back to his four buddies standing in a defensive semi circle around him.
“Hear that boys? A regular comedian.” He said, as a low hum of sarcastic chuckles and growls of anticipation emanated from his crew. By now Jeff was getting really uneasy, shifting his weight from one foot to another. He tossed his cigarette to the side and jumped in.
“Now now gentlemen, it’s like my mother used to say, ‘if you can’t play nice then you can’t play together’. So let’s play nice, shall we?” He added nervously putting an arm between us, switching his anxious expression from face to face, trying to assess the situation.
“Who says I want to play?” He added, slowly looking to Jeff. It was then that one of his boys tapped him on the arm.
“James…” He said to him, cautiously in a low voice, almost like he was issuing a warning, or a reminder.
“Right.” He answered, looking down, angry. “I’d watch your back Mike.” James said, turning away and heading off. He didn’t break eye contact until the five became lost in the crowd.
“What the hell is wrong with you?” Jeff asked in a high pitched voice.
“What do you mean?” I asked back sarcastically, taking up the space between us and the line that had moved during the past few moments.
“What do I mean? Are you serious? You’re messing with possible gang member’s dude.”
“Will you calm down? You of all people should be the calmest about this! You’re the one messing with bouncers!”
“Bouncers and Gang Members, lets see, which is the most dangerous? I think the gang members!”
“Whatever, did you see how they walked away? We’re fine, ok?”
“If they follow us home, storm into our apartment, and kill us, it’s your fault.”
“Don’t worry.” I thought for a moment. “Hey, how’d they know my name? I didn’t think you said it; did you?”
“Mike, their gang members, they know everything.” He said back, in a matter of fact sort of way. We got to the front of the line and I handed my drivers license to the big guy at the door. “See I did fine, no rage. Nada.” I said to him.
“I bet Mama would be proud.” He snorted in response, and then reached for Jeff’s ID.
When we got into the club, the music was pulsing loudly, and it was already packed with people. We made our way over to the bar and took a seat. The bar tender, a young woman, walked over towards us drying a glass.
“How can I help you boys?” She asked smoothly, tilting her head to the side and smiling, as if evaluation the situation.
“Whisky for me,” Jeff said giving her a wink and a wide smile. There was a long pause, and Jeff had to elbow me in the side to remind me to order.
“Just a beer for me, thanks.” I said, swallowing hard. She laughed a little under her breath and walked away to get our orders. I focused on tearing up little pieces of the napkin I had in my hands, bracing myself for the ribbing I knew would be coming from Jeff at any minute.
“So she’s pretty cute, huh?” He said, his back leading against the bar, elbows perched on either side.
“She’s attractive, yes.” I sighed and looked at him with an exasperated expression. “What are you getting at?”
“What I’m getting at is its time you stop wallowing over that Angie chick and move the f**k on. You’re a free man, so have some god damn fun.”
He really hit below the belt then, he had no idea what really went on with her and I. Still, I don’t want to fight tonight, and specifically not with Jeff, so I was going to play along. Might as well, he was sort of right, I guess. I do need to move on, but maybe not just yet.
“Yeah, sure.”
“There you go, so when she comes back, talk to her.” He said as he gave me a pat on the back and started off.
“You forgot to get your drink, dumbass.” I said quietly as I waited for her to return. It wasn’t a long wait, but when she did come back, I was really able to catch a glimpse of what she looked like. She had dark brown hair, a little wavy, that fell just below her shoulders. I couldn’t really tell her skin tone from the odd lighting, but I had a feeling she was pale, and freckled. She put down my beer in front of me and Jeff’s whisky where she expected him to sit. That’s when I saw her eyes, the most spectacular things I’ve ever seen in my life. Blue. Sky blue, no, lighter than the sky. Almost like diamonds, purely crystalline. Like the eyes of a husky, but with this iridescence that was indescribable. They caught me off guard and I’d imagine I had begun to stare, and undoubtedly she noticed.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to….” I trailed off, unable to finish my sentence. I shook my head, trying to come back to reality.
“Don’t worry about it; get it all the time. Your obviously in need of alcohol, your beer is right there.”
“Thanks,” I said, feeling foolish. Before she had the chance to walk away, I had to ask, but it was as if she anticipated my question.
“Amy.” She said, waving back to me from over her shoulder as she moved on to the next customer. Jeff came over with perfect timing as if he had been watching the whole thing.
“Now that wasn’t so difficult,” He said, taking a gulp from his drink, and then setting it back down in the bar. “Now for phase two.”
“No, No phase two. I’m sorry I’m really not feeling too good, I think I’m just going to head home.”
“We took your car. How am I going to get home if you leave now?” He asked defensively, like he was being betrayed.
“Here,” I said, giving him the keys. “I’ll walk. It’s nice out.”
“Ok, just keep clear of those guys we saw outside. It sounded like they really had an issue.” He called as I walked away; I raised my hand in acknowledgement. In honesty I was feeling fine; I just had too much on my mind. I really didn’t need Jeff complicating things, especially with him suddenly trying to set me up with some chick I’ve never met to before.
I got outside and slipped past the crowd of people waiting to get in, and felt the cool wind rush against my face. I closed my eyes to enjoy the soothing sensation it had on my flushed face. I walked for a while, taking in the sights, which consisted of run down buildings, overflowing trashcans, the unavoidable traffic and some lawn ornaments which decorated stoops. I became lost in my thoughts and unknowingly turned down the wrong street, bringing myself into a dark alley. It was then that I heard low chuckles coming from next to the dumpster I had just passed.
“You really don’t know what good for you, do you?” Said a familiar voice, I turned around to see who it was coming from. Five figures appeared out of the shadows all puffing cold breath. The one in the middle laughed. “I thought we told you to watch your back.” He stepped under the streetlight, bringing light to his face, James. He walked closer to me, and I raised my chin in suspicion, taking a step back. With this, the rest of them then began to encircle me, and involuntarily I felt my hands tightening to fists in my pockets.
“I don’t want to start anything here fellas’, I took a wrong turn, and I would greatly appreciate it if you just let me get back on my way. No harm, no foul.” I said coolly, looking at each one of their faces as I spoke.
“See, that’s where I think you have it mixed up.” James paused, and an impish grin spread across his face. “We aren’t letting you go.”
“Oh.” I said. There was no way I could take all five of them, especially not at once. I began to panic and I could feel the adrenaline exuding from my gut, and coursing through my veins. “Well then…” I laughed a nervous laugh. I was in, and I was in deep. Might as well face it like a man. Yeah, sure. They started walking forward, slowly, and I began to back up. I wasn’t about to try and get away, but there was no way I was going down without a fight. They kept advancing until I hit the back of the alleyway, whose closeness caught me by surprise. It was a bit cliché, like a lot of things in my life, to be backed up against a wall while surrounded by people who want to kill you.
One if the guy’s started to lunge for me, but James caught the back of his jacket before he could finish his step.
“Your not going to fight back, are you funny guy?” he said, a little disappointed.
“I don’t hit women.” I said, under my breath and because of which James took it upon himself in initiate the beating. In one swift movement, his fist extended, sending me down to the ground, writhing in pain. I put my hand to my nose, fresh blood streaming through my fingers. The pain was unbearable, but only for a moment. Things began to numb, affect of the adrenaline no doubt. My vision blurred as I tried to stand up, I had to steady myself on the wall behind me, I was then ready to fight once things stopped spinning.
Not a moment after I pulled my hands up to block my face, James was already attacking. Furiously he punched at me, my stomach and head specifically. One after another it was like being hit with a sledgehammer, if not something heavier. The pain made me question weather I was going to vomit or pass out, even both. Meekly I attempted to return his attacks, but each was met with an even more devastating blow. I tasted nothing but the rusty tang of blood in my mouth, as it streamed down from my nose and my now split lip. I spat it out onto the floor whenever James and his men switched turns at the fun. The biggest of the five was up now. I braced myself for the pain I knew was coming, but nothing could have prepared me for what he hit me with. It was such a massive blow to the head it caused me to cower against the cold bricks of the wall. My sight vanished, and I fell to the ground in a motionless, unconscious lump.
I felt a sharp stinging pain in the side of my elbow. My eyes opened slightly, as much as the massive swelling would allow, finding a needle being stuck into my vein. Something was being pushed through the syringe; I could feel it entering my arm. The way contrast feels as its being pushed through an IV, my arm became watery and cold. Before I could gather the strength to do anything, it all began spinning horrendously. My eyes again shut without my permission.

Reviews

[J. Marc]

This is a very interesting chapter. One is seized by the subject from the beginning and the attention is kept all along the chapter. The balance between action and mere descriptions are very good. The same as the balance with the inner vs. external descriptions.

It can be read very easily and I may say very comfortably. I was just surprised by the contrast between the very virile atmosphere in which you threw the main character and the somehow more tender aspect of your personality (I could be wrong in this) which translates in your choice of words.

You succeeded in hooking the interest of the reader and making him crave for more. The scene of self appraisal in the room and that of the encounter with Amy are particularly interesting. There is a potential for some more incisively romantic or erotic atmosphere here (whichever direction you want), which could be achieved by changing just a few words.

Overall, a very good work. Clear, identifiable topic, excellent development of this topic along the chapter as well as interesting depiction of the main character and the environment in which he acts. Excellent cohesion of the chapter. Maybe one should be adding more info/facts about the sociological or societal traits of the main character so that the chapter can also become informative: info derived from statistics, surveys, reports�.. about people of his age, social background�..or about persons he likes�etc..etc. For example, scientific finding about parents/children size relationship, sociological finding about roommates or gang members,�.inserted subtly in the chapter to show that you have not only studied your character carefully and have made the appropriate, thorough researches but also to relate closer to your reader (arousing interest) and make the necessary connection between fiction and reality.

About Jeff and James: when one is used to read at a certain speed, these two names could be confusing. Hence, I had to get back to the first references of these names to make sure not to mix one with the other. I do not know what other reviewers have noticed, but I think it would make an even easier understanding of your story if the names of the protagonists are even more distinct. There is not need to make anything sophisticated though.

A couple of very minor typo errors:
I quick brushed my teeth and toweled should be I quickly brushed my teeth and towelled
He wasn't much taller then me s.b. taller than me
They weren't the ones to mess with, (I think there is a word missing here)
"Now now gentlemen s.b. now gentlemen
evaluation the situation s.b. evaluating the situation
his back leading s.b. his back leaning
Your obviously in need s.b. You're obviously in need
I've never met to before s.b. I've never met before
what good for you s.b. what is good for you
light to his face, James maybe s.b. light to his face, it was James
One if the guy's s.b. One of the guy's
Your not going s.b. You're not going
in initiate the beating s.b. in initiating the beating

[Angela]

Okay, I'm ready for more. Nice opening. I never saw the gang thing coming when I started. Is he part of an initiation? Is it because of the girl? Which girl? Love stories that keep me guessing.