Bully

Careful who you pick on.

Anita Haskle raked up the last dime Sheriff Donald Wayland slid across the counter for his Plump 'N Juicy Burger at  Maw's Diner.  Her shift was coming to an end, and not soon enough she thought to herself as she imagined another Tuesday night on her oversized couch. The Jeffersons playing vividly in her mind; a pint of Death By Chocolate dying in front of her.  She developed the routine in her 30's- go home, walk the Boston Terrier she called Frank (who did nothing but s**t on the carpet anyways, she joked to her employees on a steady basis), plop her pleasantly plump a*s on her light brown, fabric-upholstered sofa, and reintroduce herself to classic sitcom families with ice cream in hand.  Only one small dinge to her night; she looked over at the farthest booth in the place.  

Him.

Hood down, the teenage do-nothing sat alone in the booth, lost in his music engaged in a book that she barely made out as Catcher In The Rye, his head hunkered over like a puppet unused.  For as long as she knew him his head had always been like that- a ventriloquist dummy with no hand up its a*s to make it do what it needed to do.  She shook her head and welcomed the couple coming into the diner.

The pair of them came straight out of the 60's; his hair unkempt but lively, his sideburns connecting into a rounded beard, his eyes behind rose tinted glasses.  She was even more a sight, with way too many wildflowers tucked behind her ear, her bright blonde hair straight and to her waist.  Both in denim vests adorned with buttons like MAKE LOVE NOT WAR and PEACE.  She had a rainbow handbag slung over her arm.

"Hi, welcome to Maw's DIner.  I'm Maw but you can call me Anita," she said cheerfully but monotonously.  After a while telling passer-bys the same line over and over again got dull for Anita, but if she didn't she would be met with the same damn question: "Who's Maw?" and that was worse than telling them flat out as they trodded in.  The couple greeted her warmingly and sat by the stool right next to Sheriff Wayland.

"Howdy Maw!" the girl spoke diligently, cozying up perhaps a little close for comfort to the Sheriff, who bit into his burger with reproach.  "I'd like a shake and an order of fries.  Vanilla."

"What will your boyfriend be having?"

"Oh, Cloud? Cloud you want some grub, baby?" she looked to him sincerely, her finger starting to twirl her hair subconsciously.  He shook his head.  "He ain't a big talker", she replied almost in a whisper, as if they were sharing gossip; her southern accent hidden in her tone, "But when he does.." She whistled, taken aback by her own words, "He means bid-ness."

Anita laughed politely.  This is a weird one, her mind replaying how she felt.  Sometimes weird is good though, unless you're Red over in that booth with his hood down.  Then you're nuts.

"On it," she jotted the order down and took it to the back.  Sunset and Cloud observed the area- Sheriff Wayland now losing interest in the two was finishing his burger, a jock-looking guy at a table was chatting up an equally preppy girl, both looking like they got back from football/cheerleading practice.  The time card on the side of a wall showed closing time was approaching.  Then Sunset saw Red.  She nudged Cloud, who already saw him.  He nodded.

With Anita back with shake and fries in hand, Sunset pulled her to the side and started kindergarten whispering again.

"Maw, who is that dude over there sitting by himself reading?  He looks sad."

"Oh, Red?  Don't mind him honey, he's just one of those kids," she rolled her eyes, not meaning to but her shift was ending anyways, so she felt there wasn't much need to hold back. 

Sunset raised an eyebrow.  "What do you mean, one of those kids? Is he a hoodlum?"

"Of sorts.  Just one of those that draws unwanted attention to themselves, you know?  He could walk down the street and someone would just be impulsed to throw a rock at him."  Once again the words just poured out of her mouth, a little too loud this time because from the farthest side of the diner, in the booth occupied by one, he was stirring.  He bookmarked his book and sat it in front of him, listening intently.

"Surely he ain't that bad," Sunset grimaced.  Nobody could be that bad.

"See that black eye on his left eye?  Hard to really see from here with his hood down but it's there.  That fellow with the cheerleader over there; that one right there," she pointed," he gave it to him.  Not sure why but it was talk of the town two days ago.  Small town and all.  You can find out everything here."

Red took down his hood.  His hair was dyed green, the unblackened eye had a piercing.  He moved his Korn bookbag that wasn't visible until now and put it on the table, placing the Salinger novel deep inside.  As the policeman left the diner, Red got up slowly and meticulously from his spot.

Anita tsked.  "See what I mean?  He pretty much invites himself to be bullied.  Not that I condone him getting messed with you know.  It's just he wouldn't be harassed all the time if he looked normal."

Sunset smiled a small smile.  "I can read your future, you know", she said, changing the subject drastically.  The look of a skeptic crossed Anita's face. "I mean it.  Please, let me see your hand."

With her shift over, but intrigued by this hippie chick, she gave her her palm.  Red stared a hole into Anita and she could feel it; her hair standing up on her neck the more she noticed.  He just stood there, fiddling with his bag and in her deepest darkest dreaded imagination, she felt the hammer cocked and the pistol coming out in a blinding flash.  The metal shining against the flourescent ceiling lights, he was going to aim it straight at her for talking about him and she knew it.  Tensing, she closed her eyes and waited for the inevitable.

"Huh, that's weird.  It says here you are alive, but you're not suppose to be," she cooed prophetically, and as she opened her eyes and was about to exclaim "What?", the pistol was a yard away from her, and the trigger was pulled.

By Cloud.

What was once Anita's eyeball now had a deep crimson saucer in its place.  The rest of it was all over the time card on the wall.  Sunset hopped over the counter to the kitchen in the back, screaming "GET THE F**K OUT!  IF YOU VALUE YOUR LIVES DON'T F*****G STUMBLE ON YOUR WAY OUT!"  The hippie-loving girl that was Sunset no longer was loving, not even speaking in the accent she had only a minute ago.  Cloud pointed his gun at the couple who sat slack-jawed and glued in fear in their seats.  "Get up, and get on your knees preppies," Cloud spoke in a low, husky tone," right in front of me.  Now."

Obliging, they hurried, shaking in fear as they fell to their knees right in the center of Maw's Diner.

"You," Cloud grunted to Red in a kinder voice," you get to take a chance tonight that most never get to.  Tonight, you have a decision to make.  Don't worry- you're in no trouble.  They are." The man known as Cloud gestured at Robin Meadows and Kyle Kinneson. 

Terrified and unmoving, Red let go of his bag and let it hit the floor.  It had all happened so fast in his eyes that he didn't know how to respond.  He could barely get a word out as he stuttered out what was he suppose to do.

"Suppose to do? Kid, you don't have to do jackshit really," Sunset swayed back into the front-of-the-house, hands in her pockets.  "I was once like you, Red.  The a******s made fun of me practically everyday because I wasn't the prettiest, wasn't the brightest.  Hell, wasn't even a good lay some of the guys I thought were sweet would say behind my back.  No, I was an outcast. But then this man came into my life."  She beamed at Cloud admiringly.  "He saved me.  He gave me the same choice he is about to give you.  Of course, back then he wasn't dressed like Tommy Chong," she laughed.  The teens on the ground started praying under their breaths.

"Oh no f**k no," Sunset smacked the two in the back of the head hard.  "You don't get to do that out loud now.  You didn't think to pray to God when you were tormenting Red, now were you?  DON'T EVEN give me excuses!" she yelled, seeing Kyle's lips start to form words.  "I know your kind.  You bullied Red, probably even provoked a fight that led to his shiner.  No sense begging now.  You didn't give Red pity, so why should he give you the same now?"

Cloud took his finger off the trigger and raised it up for Red to take.  "Your choice, Red.  Either you kill your bully now, and spare future humiliation from him, or you can let him go, and MAYBE, and it's a big f*****g maybe with this a*****e...maybe he will not pick on you anymore.  That he may feel that alien feeling known as gratitude."

Red looked at the gun, a Beretta 8000, and looked at the football player and his girlfriend.  "What about her?" he asked shakily.  Robin whimpered.

"What about her?  What is she to you?  Was she by his side while he mercilessly fucked with you in school?" Sunset asked inquisitively, pulling out a cigarette and lighting it, taking a heavy drag.  Red nodded.

"Then she is a package deal."

Red walked up to Kyle and Robin, pointing the pistol to the floor, he asked with a clear conscious why he should let them live.

"Are you m-mad?" Kyle answered back, which made Robin cry out louder, telling him to stop.  "You can't do what these pr-pricks ask you to do, you're better than that, man.  Don't even think hard on th-this.  I'll be cool with you.  Promise!"  Robin spoke up.  "I sh-sh-shouldn't be with this guy, I swear I am only in it for school recognition! I'm a lot like you, Red.  I'd be harassed th-the same w-way if I didn't go by "The Code", you know how it is, don't you?"

Kyle looked wildly at her, but afraid to talk, said nothing.  Red took the Beretta and placed it against his forehead, thinking hard, pacing back and forth.  My twisted dream come to life he thought deeply.

My twisted f*****g dream come to life.

Cloud looked down at his watch.  "Hey, I don't mean to make a hard decision harder, but we gotta go soon.  I'm sure one of the cooks called the cops once they got home so...I'll be starting up the van."  As he turned to leave, he stopped and looked at Red.  "We have helped many like you, like us.  We have connections everywhere, and we have given them the same scenario we are leaving you in.  If you do what I think you'll do, because it is in you, then you have a place with us.  We will be waiting inside the Chevy Astro for gun shots.  But we can only wait a few minutes.  We hope to see you again soon."  With that they left the diner; Sunset leaving a few dollars in the long-forgotten TIP jar on her way out.

Outside, she finished her cigarette and stomped it out.  "You really think he has it in him?" she asked soothingly.  She always spoke so soft when it was him and her alone.  One of the few people in the world that knew what she truly looked like underneath the blonde dye and extensions, he smiled underneath his faux beard.  "Guess we will have to wait and see, huh sugar?"

Cloud began pulling out of the parking lot of Maw's Diner, three people now dead and three people now living.

Author's Note

edit: lengthy desriptive sentences

Reviews

[Rodger Tunif]

Upon reading the rest of the piece, I have a few more comments. Having listened to Korn in the past, I know what a stirring connection there exists between the events which transpired at the diner and the content of Jonathan Davis' music. I don't know if you intended that or not, but I found it to be rather compelling. It might be of use to elaborate on that more, perhaps quoting some of the lyrics throughout the narrative. I did not find the conversation with Anita to be very compelling or convincing. While I understand what you are trying to convey, people don't really talk like that. Try to say more from Anita by way of body language, etc. I didn't get the feeling that Anita was talking, but you through Anita. Try to make the reader forget that there is an author and instead only a character who is both convincing and compelling. I was a bit confused as to why the character would go to that diner to take revenge. Is this apart of the story somehow? Is there something significant about the diner that makes it meaningful? Is this where he knew a particular individual would be? Spending some time on this would add depth to your story; although you very well may have thoughts regarding this somewhere which just aren't revealed in this particular selection.

All in all, there are some rather intriguing concepts which you have. I am interested in the relationship between the two killers; although I didn't get enough from this piece to fully understand their motives or the meaning of their madness. I'd like to see more! If this was more carefully written, you could have a great work on your hands.

[Rodger Tunif]

I have to run, but I did read the first couple of paragraphs. While I certainly enjoy the use of humor, it will be interesting to see if this coalesces with your writing style or if it takes away from your intended purpose. Right now I am laughing, I am not frightened and I do not feel that what you have to say is very serious. Having said this, I do enjoy the introduction. You get the idea in the opening paragraph with the employment of sensory details, but they seem a not too comical and cartoonish for me. Then again, this may be what you are going for. I suppose the essence of what I'm trying to say is that in the opening chapter Anita doesn't seem to be an authentic human being but a comical character. I would try to tone down some elements of humor while retaining your original intention. Allow the reader to discover her personality with suttle actions and thoughts. Show us, do not tell us. Having said that, already within the first couple of paragraphs you have captured my imagination and I am interested in learning what is going to happen; this is key for writing fiction. Immediately, you present the reader with a problem. Who is the character in the hoody and why would Anita care? Although I did not care for your use of sensory details (which could be effective if refined and edited) I did enjoy the fact that within a few paragraphs you already had introduced the reader to a lively character and an interesting conflict. I look forward to reading the rest later and adding on any additional comments.

[The Rhino]

You have the start of something really great. I have suggestions if you like. If not, no worries. Good story though. :)

[D. Gosa]

Thank you I am trying to get in the habit of writing so any suggestions is truly welcome

[The Rhino]

I feel like I come by this criticism honestly because I do it myself. You are putting too much information in a sentence. You almost lost me in the first paragraph. Read those first two sentences aloud and see how it sounds. You could have all the same information but in three or four more succinct and easier to read sentences. Just my opinion though.

[D. Gosa]

I see what you mean, and I believe you're right. In hindsight I should've cut down on those sentences and several others in my story. Hey your opinion is appreciated man