CANSEEHER ( my version)

A woman can be stripped of her parts. Her heart's In another vessel and I treat her the same. I apologize the only way that doesn't make sense.

Can see her pain

Can see her burden

Can't see her heart

pumping without a chest

Can't see her throughout

stripped between her legs

Can see her pain

Can see her burden

Can see her

Her can't do a thing

Author's Note

I would have written more but My emotions would take over and turn a prospect of art into a God forsaking train of thought.

Reviews

[Stefano Segnan]

I mostly agree with what was already said by barleygirl and Elise Anton. You could expand it with two more verses (* look down in brackets), because I had to read it twice and the tags to know what was going on. Also, if you want to employ refrains in such short poems, I would advise on splitting it the second time. Example:

First time:
Can see her pain
Can see her burden

Second time:
Can see her pain
(add something else here)*

Can see her burden
(add something else here)*

[barleygirl]

I am drawn back to your poem for a second time today, so I better review, huh? *smile* . . . I didn't review first time becuz there were too many question marks for me. Then I noticed a comment below where you explain further. Even upon re-reading, I still have some question marks where I can't wrap your words around anything in my mind. I don't do well with elusive reads. I need a road map.

[Elise Anton]

I was waiting for you lol. If you read it with that word in mind, it changes everything but yeah, a couple of sticky points for me too. richy will find a way out, I am sure of it.

[Elise Anton]

Second last line, my mind went "can see her....?" like a word is missing? Again, that's just me lol. I might have liked the train of thought too...

A little confusing verse 2 and 3 if I go by your "a woman can be stripped of her pants..." "her through" sounds like 'through' is a noun?"... Can you help me?

Like the overall message and the approach. Another experiment?

[richy]

Are you getting that "can see her" is to be read as cancer?

[richy]

The "can't see her through" was supposed to have a double meaning. I can't see her through it and The cancer is through not just her chest but her ovaries as well "between her legs.

[richy]

Maybe making it "canseeher" and "Can'tseeher" would make it read better?

[barleygirl]

How about "SEEING HER" as a title? *smile*

[Elise Anton]

Yeah my mind went there, that's why I wanted clarification... I didn't want to use the word in case I was totally off base :( Still, the 3rd verse... "through" I am struggling with.

Last verse, I thought
"Can see her and
can't do a thing"?

[richy]

can see her
Yet, I cant do a thing. That's what I'm thinking now?

[richy]

What isn't working with that line?

[richy]

what about Can't see her through(out)

[barleygirl]

To be frank "between her legs" is very misleading & also unnecessarily graphic, as many will interpret this to be something sexual. I would love to see you use some metaphor, like "your lunar nest has been torn" . . . or "the sparkle went out of your womb." Once you get this straightened out, then it will help you figure out the preceding line (which also doesn't make sense to me).

[Elise Anton]

can see her
Yet, I cant do a thing. That's what I'm thinking now?... That was my other thought, to introduce the 'I'... The two lines weren't balancing out...

[richy]

how's this new version?

[Elise Anton]

Richy was this cervical cancer? Sorry, this convo is getting rather personal and intimate... I am (I think barleygirl too) struggling with the inference to 'down there'.

[Elise Anton]

New version no. May as well spell out the correct word. IMO....

[richy]

breast and ovarian

[Elise Anton]

Okay. Now it's coming together, the reference to the chest... I'm thinking "cant see her future (or similar word) if at childbearing age? "Ripped from her nest" (or similar) ??????? See where I'm going?

[richy]

Ok full break down. This Is a poem From my perspective about my mother. She has breast and ovarian cancer. She had both her breasts and ovaries removed. "I can see her" struggle and Can-see-her(cancer) is the struggle. This was my way of saying I can see her and cancer is what she is dealing with at the same time. That's why the last line i used the word "I can't do a thing"

[barleygirl]

Here's an idea (I didn't get the "cancer" reference until you spelled it out in this dialogue) . . .
what about using CAN-C-HER instead of Can-see-her ???

[richy]

i feel like that takes away from my perspective and spells it out a little too much.

[barleygirl]

I like your v.2 so much! What a joy to be able to work together as you & Elise did! *smile* Very sorry for the gravity of the message, however . . . (((HUGS))) to you & your mom!

[richy]

As long as something you like came out of this I'm happy!