Disorder

A real glimpse into my mind before i knew what was wrong. This is for Barleygirl.

Your beauty resonates 

I look at you and feel infinite

you check your phone

maybe for the time

her hands delicate

she has to go to the bathroom 

what did you look at your phone for

she doesn't have a phone plan 

there's no wi-fi anyway

she could be lying

why would she lie to me

stop It's not real

The heats real 

It's in my face and my chest 

I can't think straight

she was just checking the time

she's in the bathroom talking to someone

are you kidding me 

who is it

stop it's not real

I could walk by and listen

are you insane just take a seat

the pizza's coming anyway

but I have to go to the bathroom to piss

I swear if you listen

no It's fine 

How'd you know the bathrooms were next to each other

aren't they always

just piss and mind your business 

limp dick hanging 

you didn't even have to go

I know did you just hear her talking

stop it's not real

drowning out sounds washing clean hands

you better get out of here before she's done on the phone

she's just using the bathroom leave me alone

back to my table my face flush 

she's back and I look like I'm holding a terrible hand

Her smile Is wide

she's glad to see me

I'm glad to see her but I can't shake the feeling

until she asks whats wrong and I say nothing

we laugh and love 

we fill our bellies 

till I forget the whole thing

until It happens again

Author's Note

I was diagnosed with Bi-polar disorder recently and this was a moment In time before I knew what It was. I was trapped In train of thought knowing my thoughts were irrational but unable to control my feelings. They last until they're gone.

Reviews

[Nirvana]

An internal struggle in its purest form. Love brings out the demons in us, but here your mind plays devil's advocate-- and now you have an idea why! A torturous sentiment to share such profound feelings for a beloved but also have deep resentment via insecurities and misguided distrust. "Do I deserve her?" "Why did she choose me?" "She's lying through her teeth" "There's no way she doesn't love me." My friend, you've captured the turmoil perfectly. I'm hooked!

[Justine Johnston]

You capture it so perfectly, feeling trapped in your head and knowing to be rational, but having difficulty acting it out. Can't tell you how many times I've over thought to the point of panic because of my disorders.

Beautiful piece. The last two lines:
"till I forget the whole thing
until It happens again"

Because you know it will, and it's just an endless cycle of torture on yourself.
Very strong piece, thank you for sharing

[Carolynn]

It's great that you felt comfortable enough to write about this richy - it's important for people to understand how it feels to suffer with bi-polar disorder and you did a great job describing it here. Thank you for sharing it and I hope you are able to find peace in amongst all the irrational thoughts :)

[barleygirl]

I am also bipolar & I know the feelings well. It can truly be insanity, the way your thoughts are jumping all over & feeling suspicious for no reason & seeing bad where there's only good, etc. You have demonstrated it here better than I've ever seen it written about. This is a memorable poem. I'm happy for you, that you've been diagnosed & you accept the diagnosis. One of the things about bipolars is that we hate to give up the glorious manic highs, in order to control the tragic lows. I applaud anyone living with a bipolar, becuz it can't be easy. It would be interesting to turn this poem around & show it from HER point of view, too (I like to exercise my ability to write from different points of view). But regardless (and I'm blathering becuz I pulled a manic all-nighter) . . . GREAT POEM! Vividly painted snapshot of this very widespread problem. I'd say half the people are on some part of the bipolar continuum. It's only bad when it disrupts your jobs or relationships, etc. I feel honored that you took my advice & just wrote from the heart. It's always the most powerful when you write what you know about the human experience. Great job! Keep going!

[richy]

As always thank you for the support and coaxing this out of me. It's the most personal thing i have ever written.

[Érenn]

OH MY GOD, this is such a beautiful, eerie and such a moving piece. Yeah the inner struggle can be seen clearly. Yeah the struggle this intense goes on in just those few minutes. And the way you end it, her coming back and the struggle forgotten, until it comes back next time around? Those are some very powerful and scary words. This is one of your best works if not your best ^^

[ThePaperPrincess]

Moving as always, I love how this poe vibes, the flow of it is amazing, as is all of your writing. I've been trying to think of something profound to say about it, but I really can't. I just find it beautiful.

[richy]

Thanks you always say such nice things about my works!

[Elise Anton]

If I hadn't read your notes (and I didn't till after I read the poem) I would not have known. The internal conflict between logic and the ridiculousness of 'love', the irrationality of 'love' is what I saw, artfully meshed. The insecurities we all feel, the indecisiveness, the humorous contradictions... You presented what most of us have at one time or another battled with but never admitted to.

After reading your notes, I went back and re-read it. I did then feel empathy; the seriousness of your being 'stuck' in this endless conflict. I tried to imagine - and I couldn't - feeling trapped inside your own mind, battling yourself... How difficult it must have been! Yet you gave it voice, you rose above and viewed it and described it. Thank you for sharing this, despite the glimpse being brief, I have come away with a better understanding of this affliction.

*I love the words equally both before and after.

[richy]

I really feel a sense of accomplishment getting a review from you that doesn't call for a review lol thank you for reading and rereading. I hope this poem didn't come off as me looking for empathy. I just wanted to get it out and now I'm glad I did.

[Elise Anton]

No, the empathy came from me not you. Am I that stern with your work? Mmmm (trying to remember yesterday) maybe? But that's because I care see, otherwise I'd just do the gosh, it's soooo good and you'd feel good too right? But neither my words nor your feelings would be real, we'd just be playing the all's good game. I like that you work things through and you strive for excellence. I respect that.

I am glad that you got it out too. It is too fine a piece to hide, really. I would have missed reading it.

[richy]

You couldn't be more right and I'll be expecting you to dissect my works until they are perfect! Thank you for your understanding and dedication to helping others best themselves!

[Elise Anton]

My pleasure :)

[Charlotta Yvonne Smith]

This poem kind of reminds me of what go through sometimes. I wasn't completely diagnosed with any mental disorders but I can kind of relate. I have depression (I was evaluated though) and it hurts like hell sometimes because any irrational thoughts can come and it's hard to rationalize until you can calm down. At least, in my situation.

This will probably be the last thing I read here on this site because I am planning on leaving but this was a great poem, once again.

[richy]

your reviews will be missed

[Charlotta Yvonne Smith]

Hehe..I doubt it but thank you for the response.

[richy]

seriously I will

[Charlotta Yvonne Smith]

*Slight Smiley Face*