CHAPTER 1

She awakens, Finding herself surrounded by the bodies of her pursuers. She regains her knowledge of what had happened. Her community had been attacked by the people who pursued her. She knew them not

     The GHOST of the Sword

Chapter 1

Shallynne woke, she did not know where she was, in the fog that was her mind she vaguely remembered her father screaming at her to run. His face was hid amid shadows and ghostly images of trying to warn her. She had seen the murder of a few of her town's people by the army that rode into the community. The people of this army wore masks that covered their faces. Their (shields) bore no markings to signify who they were. They chased her here. Looked about, she remembered this area as a bog,  memories were foggy. 

 

Remembered most clearly, was fleeing with the riders behind her, chasing after her; their hooves tearing into the ground.  Tearing through the brush. Hearing them hammer into the ground. This nightmare, horses flew after her.   She looked at the other side of the bog.  (Startled, she saw a knight with a rose breast plate, holding a shield having the same mark on it. He was seven feet tall, beckoning her to him by using his fingers of his unsheilded arm, and heard him say, in a voice barely audible over the horse's pursuit of her, "It will be alright; If you get me."

She knew this bog and there was no knight there. She had been there hundreds of times before and there were no knights living anywhere near here.

“He can not be there.” Shallynne declared

Now, she heard another voice say, "No. He is there! Go to him." The voice was that of her mother.

  She hurled herself forward into the water.  She would be saved. She stumbling and falling into the black murky water.

She pulled herself up from the water, crawled through the bullrushes to get to the place where she saw the knight. There was nothing there, no knight, just a object that looked vaguely like a pommel of a sword. Another piece that was half a foot of a guard, another six inches of something. She reached out to grasp the pommel. She reached out to touch it. She was not sure if she had seen it. Or touched it for that matter. The object felt like it was covered in fabric, that was slippery to hold after brushing off the spider's webs that covered it. The area without a spider's web looked about the right size for both of her hands to have fallen to onto. If they were together, there was another 3 inches of a pommel there. There looked like bulb at the top.

The men and women who pursued her, were now upon her. They were tearing off her clothes. She lost conciousness, but before she had. Saw a man being cleaved in two by the knight, she had seen. Blood and guts splattered across her form.  His body fell in pieces, his guts and intestines spilled across her form. He looked at her as he died, behind him she saw the knight who signalled for her to come here, Having opened his mouth to scream, yet silecne was all she heard from him. The voice she had first heard coming here said, “Die!”

Another figure lost its head, there was a look of mortification on his face, his eyes were a gape. She saw it tumble fdown his back to splash into the water. Where she now lay naked. When she came too. She saw blood running in rivers and streams down her arms to her elbows.

Blood ran down her hands, and arms. The pommel was s covered in fresh blood, and bodily fluids on the guard had it also. She climbed to her full hei Height she saw the crop of a knight's helm, between the cross piece and the stone where she lay. Below her sat a knight. With its visor up. There was an arrow in its eye socket. The armour looked exactly like the knight's had who beckoned her here. However it was as though he had taken a great deal of damage when he died. The armour was dented and cracked, there was rust on portions of the armour. The armour was not fully intact. He was once muscular a beast of a man.

The pommel was that of a two handed sword, the guard was very well crafted. She nudged the knights body, moss and dirt tumbled from its body. There had been a baldric that held the sword. It was secured with dirt, rust and spiderwebs adorned it and the knight's armour.

She pulled with all her might and the sword moved scarely an inch. She looked at the kinght's gloved hand and saw the right hand had been crushed and broken in the gauntlet to see flesh blood cover the thumb of the right hand and the knuckles both of it's hands. As she heaved some more, she saw blood wash its blade like a stream or river.

Looking about she saw several other bodies that had been decimated by either an axe or this sword that she could not move from its sheath. Blood and guts covered the bare stone, that she was upon. The baldric was with several stones set into it. It was uniquely crafted, it was a magnificently crafted this baldric. It weighed quite a bit for simply a sword. She drew up some of the garments that she had wore when attacked. She tried to clean the baldric from the debrie of age, moss and blood. It came clean. It was easier to pull out now. With quite a bit of work it came fully out of there.

The blade was magnificent, had on one side a nude man reaching towards to the top of the sword's point, on the other side was a woman. It glistened with the sun light that fell upon it, it shone with its light to illustrate its keeness. The sword had symbols that she could not make them out. The pommel had a hexagonal ruby carved into it, where the bulb was on its top. She smiled. Cleared the baldric effortlessly now. It was quite the sword. It would make quite a few coins to sell.

She drew the baldric from his body, there was also a letter with a seal of the rose on it. The seal had not been broken yet.

She woke with her hands on the pommel, her body had been on her back, her breasts were covered in gore, that looked like hands had touched her there. A head lay beside where her feet had been, when she woke.

As she rose she saw, before where the knight sat was the head of a horse, it took damage too. Horrific damage as the armor was smashed and crushed, in places. The neck was visible, but the rest of the horse's body was missing, unless it was still under the water. Both had been dead for a considerable time. If she was to judge by what she had seen of their bodies.

 

 She now. Looked over to see the horses that the riders 

rode. They looked as if they had been hard ridden. The

 horses looked as though they had to be taken care of.

 The horse's hides ha burrs and branches in their fur. 

They were badly hurt by their ride to here. Their 

muzzles were scarred with the burs and cuts on them. 

The riders had been driving the horses very hard. 

There was a large pool of brackish water with plankton 

on its surface, there were lines in the water that were

 the size of the horses haunches. They had come from 

the east, the brush that was there was trampled by the

 horses, the lines were straight as arrows the 

path. It indicated they had ridden hard  there.

She remembered fleeing from her community. She saw 

the riders pursuing her, the  masks that they wore. She 

did not like the looks of these people. Their garments 

were motley. Their clothing was leather, some plate 

mail, and some mail. Until they had gotten caught up 

to her.

 Remembered hearing one say,"When your finished

 with her, I will have my way with her as well." 

In less than a heartbeat, there was a flash of light

 and a sword, The sword whose pommel she held

 cleaved through his shoulder and lower abdomine.

His head and arm fell to his right and the rest to 

his left. There was a geyser of blood through it  

 she saw the knight. Standing behind him, his visor 

was up. He was smiling.

She climbed onto one of the stallions, she rode the

 horse that looked so, less unharmed by the ride to 

there. The other stallions were led back to the

 woods, to return to the community. However, she 

did not want the people who were there to see 

her coming there. 

She chooses to ride the horses slowly to the very

 outskirts of the community edge. She hid in the

 brush that was there. Her fear was that they may 

see her. So, she patted the muzzle of the horse 

trying to reassure the horse. She crouched behind

 the brush.Watching  to see if there were any more

 of these men, here.  She knew the odds would not

 be in her favor. As there was one here, she could 

truly rely upon. 

The knight might return. That was a might, Not 

something, she could rely upon until she knew.

 Someone was sure that they were unable to 

rebuild the community. She looked about and 

saw no one about the  community alive. Looking

 about she found that they were not there. She 

felt reassured that she could  go into the

 community. Having not seen anyone of them. 

She did not find a women's body in the mess

 of bodies. The children were slain.

There was not a sound to be heard from there, 

she began to ride into the community.

 Her ears were perked up, to do this. Her eyes

 saw not any movement that was there, aside

 from the wind that was blowing through the 

trees. The houses were burned to the 

ground. She did not hear any sound that 

revealed fighting, or screams. There was only

 one house remaining, it was her home and 

the leader of the communities home.  Why is

 my home standing. She wondered, I will 

check on that later. First thing, I must do is find

 out what has happened here.

She found the bodies that were there with

 arrows and bolts with fletching certian types 

that were similar to a type she had seen 

before in the region to the west. It suggested 

to her, that they had done this.

She was worried about what they were doing? 

Finding her own home, its door was marked by

 a red skull on the door. What was the reason 

out the truth. What did the red skull on the

 door signify she did not know. She entered 

her home, They did not set this house

 ablaze. Inside she found her mother slain, 

 She had been butchered.

Shallynne swore they would pay for this. 

She chooses to ride to the next community 

to the east. The foe's bodies were not to be 

found in the community. It was as if they 

had not taken any damage from them. It was

 as if they had been spirits instead of human 

beings. That was what one would think if they

 did not find the arrows that had 

slain the community's people.

She desired to go back and bring back the bodies

 of those who had tried to harm her. She rode 

back to the swamp, where they attacked her. 

Riding the horse through the murky water, the

 horse struggled at move through the water to 

arrive the rise of stones. Where she had been 

attacked by them. 

She drew up a body to throw him over the horse's

 withers. Having to know, who had one this to her f

amily, and the community.More importantly, the 

why? She threw up just from the scent. She tried 

to calm the jittery horse, upon having the decaying 

body of her attackers. Riding through the bog to get 

to the nearst community. on her new horse. She 

hated the stink, the horse, Insects fed on the 

man's dead boy.  

Author's Note

does it create the feeling of fear.
Is it good enough?

Reviews

[Aurafiex]

Gonna like, be blunt and stuff.

You seem to have a fair number of spelling errors.

E.g "Sheild" (Shield).

There are many grammar errors too, and many parts of the story just don't flow well in general. To be very honest this reads off really disjointedly because you seem to put commas in random spots.

For example....

Witnessed him, being struck by a dual edged blade, that erupted through his chest. Saw the man in a mask say, "Run. But that won't save you. We will find you."

Should be...

She witnessed him being struck by a dual edged blade that erupted through his chest (like insert relevant metaphor here). She fled, but as she ran, she could hear the masked man taunting her with each panicked footstep.

"Run, run! But that won't save you. We will find you!"

I could list more, but you get the idea. Moving on...

Narration wise, I feel that you don't have to state what you just described. Aim to show, not tell. In this case you're both showing and telling, which makes it seem like you're stating the obvious.

An example of this being...

Inside she found her mother slain, she had all her orifices stitched closed. She had been butchered.

The last line was not necessary at all, considering that the previous sentence pretty much implies that the mother was butchered. You don't have to reiterate what you just showed. Let your reader figure that out.

Format wise, you're pretty solid outside of some weird spacings here and there as well as the erratic punctuation I mentioned earlier. All I can suggest is making your words larger, like mine. Personally, I use Arial Size 12 with zero line spacing with justified text. Makes it much easier on the eyes and much much neater.

Anyway, that should be all I have to say. If you have any questions fire away!

[Richard Patrick]

Thank you, that is all I am asking for. I appreciate your candor, Thank you for the support. If I want to be a writer, I have to have a strong back for some of the criticism I will receive, thank you. For your honesty.

[David Jae]

Your protagonist is as strong as ever, but it is still to heavy on exposition for my liking. There is too much of "there was..." or "She did...", in my opinion. What this needs is dialogue. You can use that to set the scene and establish mood without stating it explicitly.

EG

"Run, Sallynne." Her Father screamed as an armoured figure emerged from the shadows, his sword dripping with blood.
"Father. No!" Sallynne shrieked as he swung the sword towards her Father's neck and...

...she woke with a strangled scream."

See how the dialogue brings it to life and gives it better flow!

Don't get disheartened. I like the story and this will make it even better.

[richieb]

Richard, I would truly say your story creates fear. Much carnage and blood. Images of bloated corpses, bodies halved, and know one knows why or who did it. Much mystery and more blood and guts to be in shed. Your rewrite has improved your story. Richie B.

[Richard Patrick]

thank you.

[Ellen Kolman]

I couldn't stop reading....I loved it, your heroin will be a force to reckon with, to be sure....but I didn't quite who the knight was who saved her, was he a spirit from the skull where the sword was?.....can't wait for ch. 2

[Richard Patrick]

It is availible for you. I hope you enjoy reading it. The story is a force to reckon with I hope you enjoy the next piece that is availible for you to read. Hope you enjoy it, Thank you for reading it. Hope good friday is going to be good for you.

[Ellen Kolman]

I read this Richard; I need chapter 2 and 3 if available...thanks...I love it

[Richard Patrick]

That they are. Please continue on it.

[Ellen Kolman]

Ok..will do

[Richard Patrick]

I thank you,, for the read. I think there are 7 chapters available for iy.

[hcarson]

wow, this one has started off really well, i haven't had time to read the rest of the chapters just yet but i certainly will do...i hope this lady finds those ..creatures..and kills the lot of them!..oh and the horses get a good meal ;)...this is off to a brillient start, well done Richard :)

[Richard Patrick]

So, it is good. Thank you for the support.