Goat Cheese

I wrote this story using the innocuous prompt: 'Goat Cheese.' It is about a young girl, her goat and guilt.

Goat Cheese

“Come on Suzy, this isn’t funny. Let me out.” Danny said, his voice was a little shaky now. Good, Suzy thought and put a little more of her weight on the barn door. Danny pushed harder too but Suzy had the leverage. There was no getting past her.

            “Really. Suzy. Come on. Gerty is looking right mad,” Danny said. Suzy thought he was crying now. “Come on! I didn’t even kiss her for that long!” he said.

So he admits it! She knew he’d kissed Becca �" that total s**t! �" what did she have that Suzy didn’t?

            “I don’t care!” she said, “I hate Becca! And I hate you!” She did hate Becca. But she didn’t really hate Danny. Well she sort of hated Danny but she also l-o-v-e-d Danny. Well, not anymore, Suzy told herself unconvincingly.

            “Why are you so mean!?” Danny cried. Then there was a scurrying sound from within the barn and a hard thwap. Danny screamed. thwap, thwap. Danny screamed again.

            Suzy let her weight off the door and backed away. “Suzy Marie Waters,” it was her father’s voice from behind her, “what the devil is going on over there?”

            Suzy turned and saw her father running at her, then past her. He threw open the barn door and Suzy saw inside where her father shooed Gertrude (Gerty) the Goat away from Danny. He knelt over Danny, spoke a few words to the boy, then carried him out of the barn. Danny was in tears. There was a real nasty bruise on his forehead and his leg was bent at a painful looking angle. “Suzy,” her father said, “what were you two doing playing in the barn? I told you to mind Gerty!”

            Suzy trembled. Danny looked at Suzy - his teary eyes were half covered by his shaggy blonde hair. Suzy opened her mouth to speak, to say something, she thought she was about to lie but she knew it would only make things worse. Before Suzy could get a word out of her mouth though Danny said, “My fault Mr. Waters. Tried to be brave.”

            Suzy’s heart split apart in her chest. She felt the pieces tumble down into her stomach and she felt like she might be sick. She steadied herself against the side of the barn as her father carried Danny toward the house. Why did he have to go and say that? She thought Maybe he does l-o-v-e me. Oh, but look at what I’ve done! How could he? I’ve been awful.

            In the house her father set Danny down on the kitchen table. “What happened to Danny!?” Suzy’s mother nearly nearly shrieked.

            “That damned goat. I think his leg’s broke. And he’s probably got a concussion.” Her father pulled the phone book out of the junk drawer and went through it on the counter. “What’s the name of that doctor? The one who splinted Suzy’s arm last summer.”

            “Cohen,” her mother said, then she turned to Suzy, “Suzy, go out to the freezer and get a couple of pork chops.”

            Her mother wrapped the pork chops in some cloth and she said to Danny “This will sting a little when I put it on but it’ll bring the swelling down. You’re gonna be just fine Danny. You hear me?” The boy nodded. She used the cloth to tie one of the frozen pork chops onto the broken leg. Danny winced as she tightened it. His eyes, still wet with tears, welled up again and he looked right at Suzy with something close to hatred. Suzy trembled.

            Suzy didn’t stop trembling either, not when the doctor came, nor when Danny’s father came, nor when after much arguing and shouting among the adults her mother pulled her aside and sent her up to her room. Suzy trembled still as she laid on her bed. And as she listened to everything going on downstairs she started to cry. She couldn’t make out all of what was being said but Danny’s father was shouting. I shouldn’t have done that, she told herself, I’ve caused all of this trouble. And what if Danny changes his mind? What if he decides to tell them the truth? She felt her heart beating like a fist against her chest.

Gradually things quieted down. She heard the rumble of the engines outside. The whole house was silent for a long time after that. She could hear the boards creak. Then there was the scratchy whine of the screen door opening, she heard this through her open window. She heard her father’s footfalls on the porch. Silence again. Then there was the deafening BAP of a rifle. Gerty, she thought, That’s Gerty �" that mean old she-goat �" dead. Suzy buried her face in her pillow and cried. In a single day she had managed to ruin everything.

            For several days Suzy did little except mope around the house. When she was not laying about in her room she laid on the porch or on the roof outside of her window. Her mother kept bugging her about it too which was the last thing Suzy wanted. “You should call Peggy or Becca,” She said on several occasions.

“I hate Becca now. Remember?” Suzy said.

            “Oh, that’s silly. Last week you two were best friends.”

            “Well not anymore.”

            “We’re gonna have to send you back to Sunday school girl. What’s the Lord say? ‘Forgiveness is the bee’s knees’ �" something like that.”

            “I don’t think that’s in the bible.”

            That afternoon Suzy was roused out of bed by her mother who called out to her from downstairs. From the top of the stair Suzy caught a familiar scent. As she came down the stairs and saw the dining table, neatly set, her mother confirmed what her nose told her, “I made mac-and-cheese,” her mother said, and Suzy’s stomach grumbled. She’d not eaten much since the business with Danny and Gerty. Since that day her stomach had felt like it was full of bricks. Of course her mother had noticed this and of course her mother knew exactly the dish to coax her out of it.

            Suzy stood on a wooden stool to wash her hands. Her father came into the kitchen after her and he stood behind her. He put his hands into the water just above hers. She’d been warry of her father since Gerty died, but he grabbed her hands gently and kissed her on the top of the head. He said “You’re hands are filthy. Are you even using soap?”

            “I am!” Suzy said, “And my hands aren’t as dirty as yours! Look at your knuckles!”

            “That’s not dirt, that’s grime. It’s different.”

            “No it isn’t!”

            Her father tousled her hair with a wet hand as he finished drying his hands. “Come eat,” he said.

            Suzy’s mother had gone out of her way it seemed to make a very nice dinner. She’d made a pot roast, with potatoes, leeks, carrots and a few other vegetables she’d gotten from the garden. There were sweet potatoes too, cooked in molasses along with collared greens and to top it all off there was the piece de resistance: her mother’s macaroni and cheese.

            Her mother served her a little bit of everything but it was the mac and cheese that really had her eye. Baked in a rectangular glass casserole dish, Suzy watched as her mother spooned out a portion. The spoon cut through the crunchy layer of breaded oven-baked cheese on the top and emerged with so many steamy rivulets of cheese. She set the plate in front of Suzy and a pillar of steam rose from the little mountain of macaroni. Suzy’s mouth was watering, but she waited until everyone had been served. She watched for her father to take the first bite. He always took the first bite �" and there it was, from fork to mouth a slice of beef signaled that dinner was on!

            Suzy blew on her first forkful of steaming macaroni and stuck it into her mouth eagerly. It was still too hot, but she didn’t care. It was delicious. She chowed down, bringing more into her mouth before she was even done chewing. “Suzy,” her mother said “Don’t forget to eat the other things on you plate too.” Suzy took a bite of meat to placate her mother but it was more macaroni that went in next and when she was out of macaroni she took some more of it onto her plate, serving herself carefully so as not to spill it onto the tablecloth.

            Suzy was a girl in heaven. She forgot all about Danny or Gerty or Becca-Ann-Waters �" that total s**t! Suzy filled her stomach. She was beyond happy and perhaps more happy because the meal distracted her from how she had been feeling. Suzy wished that she could eat macaroni and cheese all the time. In fact the only thing that stopped her from doing just that was the physical limits of her stomach. This was all well and good and pleasing to her but then her father, very politely said “This macaroni is pretty good. You did something different though.”

            “Goat cheese,” Suzy’s mother said. Never had Suzy heard two more unsettling words. One of the very nice things about rural life is that if you manage your resources properly you’ll always know where much of your food came from. Certainly some things will still be store bought, the macaroni for instance would have been store bought, so would the beef and the molasses in which the sweet potatoes �" the sweet potatoes that Suzy had not even bothered to try �" had been cooked. But the Goat cheese? Suzy knew all too well that it was Gerty’s mean old goat cheese.

            Suzy thought she was going to be sick. She pushed herself away from the table and ran into the bathroom. “Where are you going?” her mother asked. Suzy held herself over the toilet expecting something but nothing came. Nothing came. She wanted something to come up. She wanted all of it to come up. All at once the heavy, satisfied feeling of a full meal had been corrupted with a whiplash of guilt. And it was inside of her too! She wanted it out. “You okay in there Suze?” her mother said through the crack in the door.

            “Yeah,” Suzy said, “I think I’m fine.” But she wasn’t. She was ghastly pale and her stomach still felt like it might explode. She thought she might just die. Suzy thought that mean old Gerty knew. She knew that it was her fault she was dead and this? This was mean old Gerty’s revenge.

            When Suzy stepped back out into the kitchen her parents gave her a curious look, as if they didn’t quite understand what had gotten into her. Her mother was there by the door but her father was still at the table. She realized that they really didn’t understand because as far as they knew Gerty’s death had been Danny’s fault, not her own. Her mother said, “You alright? What was that about?”

            “The goat cheese.”

            “Don’t be picky,” her mother said, “You liked it when you were eating it.”

            “But it’s Gerty’s goat cheese!” Suzy nearly screamed it.

            “Oh, sweetie, is that what has you so shaken up?” Her mother knelt down and hugged her, “It’s okay. Gerty would have wanted us not to waste it.”

            Suzy really didn’t know about that. When her mother released her she held Suzy by the shoulders and said “Come on, would you help me clean up? If we put everything away we can have pie.”

            Suzy really didn’t want pie but she helped her parents clean up. Afterwards Suzy’s mother served them cold slices of cherry pie from the refrigerator on little plates which they took out onto the porch. “Do you want a glass of milk?” Suzy’s mother asked her. Suzy shook her head. That was the last thing she wanted. She knew it probably wouldn’t be goat’s milk, since that had all been made into cheese, but she didn’t want to take any chances. Suzy ate a couple of bites of pie but it didn’t sit well in her stomach and she couldn’t even really taste it.

            “You hardly ate your pie.” Her mother said when she took the plate from her.

            “My stomach is upset.”

            “Goat cheese?”

            “Goat cheese.”

            That night as Suzy tried to fall asleep she swore she could feel the goat cheese as it moved through her body. She thought it might find some way to clog her up and then she’d die while she was asleep. Doctor Cohen would step downstairs after examining her body and say to her parents “The poor girl had goat cheese in her heart.” Then there would be a funeral and an episode about her on that health channel that her mother liked to watch The Girl With The Goat Cheese Heart, they would title it and they would run ads for antidepressants in between the  interviews with her parents.

            Suzy dreamt that she was on that show and the nice old black lady who did the interviews was holding a microphone out for Suzy to speak into. “So, tell me Suzy, is it true that you murdered the goat? The same goat whose cheese killed you?”

            “I didn’t mean to!” Suzy shouted. The studio audience gasped and murmured. Tears rolled up in Suzy’s eyes, “I didn’t mean to! It wasn’t my fault!” The murmurs grew into a sort of rumble and then, washed out by the bright studio lights, the crowd disappear. The rumbling seemed to grow.

            The interviewer said “We have a special guest for you tonight Suzie. Back �" from beyond the grave �" it’s Greta! Greta ‘the mean old’ Goat! Here for one night only!”

            The studio lights faded and the whole studio fell apart. Suzy was in the barn but it was dark and at the far end she could see a pair of bright red eyes. Suzy turned to run away, out of the barn, but the door was locked tight. She heard Greta’s heavy breathing behind her. She felt sweat breaking all over her body. There were goosebumps on the back of her neck that ran down her spine. She turned round to look at Greta. There the mean old goat stood, towering over her as though she were nothing. Those big hateful red eyes met her own. Greta’s furry pursed lips seemed to furrow as gusts of hot air shot from her nostrils like steam geysers. Greta opened her giant mouth to take a great big bite out of Suzy. Suzy could see her sharp yellowed teeth and blackened swollen tongue. Her breathe smelled like the garbage heap and flies buzzed out from the darkness of her throat. As the teeth closed down Suzy screamed.

            She woke in a cold sweat in the darkness of her room. Her father came in and switched on the light. “Why are you shouting? Are you okay?” Her father said, he was in his underwear and he looked as panicked as she felt.

            “I,” Suzy paused, “I had a nightmare.”

            “Oh.” Her father said, “let me grab a shirt.” He left the light on and returned a moment later with a plain white t-shirt over himself.

He sat down next to Suzy and said “What was it about?”

Suzy told him her dream, as well as she could remember it and when she was done she added. “Dad? It was my fault what happened with Danny and with Greta.”

“I know,” he said, “well, what happened with Danny anyways. Your mother figured it out. But Greta wasn’t your fault. No, that mean old goat was near the end of her life anyhow. That was why she got mean.”

Suzy was embarrassed but also she thought her father was just trying to make her feel better. “But if I hadn’t gotten Danny hurt, you wouldn’t have shot Greta!”

“It was getting to be that time anyways. I wish I’d done it sooner. When I heard Danny’s scream I knew it was Gerty but I was really afraid that she’d gotten you.”

“I don’t know,” Suzy said, “I feel bad.”

“Tell you what, tomorrow I’ll take you to see her. I bet that if you apologize to her you’ll feel better.”

“I’m not sure.” She said.

“Trust me,” he said, “try to get some sleep.”

Suzy didn’t sleep a wink. She laid in her bed through to morning until her father came and knocked on her door. It was real early, the sun was just coming up and her father made her put her jacket on. He took her past the barn through the almond orchard to the old walnut orchard. There the walnut trees grew tall and they created a delicate canopy of green and yellow leaves that glowed gold in the morning sunlight. On the far side of the walnut grove her father showed her a mound of packed dirt.

“Here she is.” He said, “Gerty.”

“Dad!” Suzy nearly shouted, “she doesn’t have a tombstone!”

Her father shrugged. “I’ve an idea. I’m going to go grab something from the barn, you make your peace with the old gal.”

Suzy sat down in front of Gerty’s grave and crossed her legs. “Hey Gerty,” she said, “I’m sorry you are dead.” Suzy pulled at the grass.

“I wish you hadn’t hurt Danny, but it wasn’t your fault. I’m sorry I locked him in your barn. I knew you wouldn’t like that. And I’m sorry I ate your cheese. My mom said you would have wanted us to eat it but I don’t think you would have wanted me to eat it because… well you know why… But I had a dream that you tried to eat me and maybe you could not eat me again because it was really scary. I promise I won’t eat your cheese. And I’ll apologize to danny.”

Her father returned with two short pieces of plywood that he had quickly nailed together into a cross. “Here,” he said, handing the cross to Suzy. Then he took out a hand trowel and squatted down by Gerty’s grave. He made a small slit in the moist earth and glanced at Suzy. He pointed to the slit he had made. Suzy stepped forward and set the little cross into the ground.

“There,” her father said, “did she speak to you?”

“No,” Suzy said, then she added “sort of. I don’t know.”

“Well, you come out here and talk to her anytime you like. I’m sure she’d appreciate the company. Come on, your Mother’s making breakfast by her lonesome right now. You can come back afterwards.”

“How are you feeling this morning?” her mother asked her as she wiped her muddy boots on the porch.

“Better,” Suzy said. And she did feel better but she would never eat goat cheese again. Well, maybe a bite here and there, but she would never forget where it came from.