Upon these words ⁓ (gentle peace)

Quatrains in 8-Count (iambic tetrameter/final line [for Barrett] begins trochaic) with an abcb, defe, ghih, etc; rhyme scheme.

Author's Note

Picture from Wikimedia Commons.

I hope you'll enjoy this moment shared.

Constructive comments and critique are always welcome! : )

Reviews

[Red Brick Keshner]

The 'I's' have it and so do the 'my's.' The poem is not peppered and littered with them which makes the poem so much about the loved and still retain a modicum of interaction with the narrator/speaker. The last three stanzas elevate as the love between both parties meld with the world outside, enjoining nature and beauty lift up love and not 'war.' Love is waging peace. Thanks for sharing, Richard.

[Richard🖌]

Very astutely interpreted, Frederick 🤓

Quite keen of you, too, realizing how a deluge of I's and me's disallow readers' enjoyment of joining-in, relating, and being included. Still, if one had the mind to do so, the same message could be delivered with even more of them removed.
How sincerely rewarding it is to know that you've perceived the deeper core essences of this rather affectionally peaceful work.

Thank you, Brother Frederick.
M'best to thee! ⁓ Richard🖌

[W. Barrett Munn]

On a serious note, Richard, there is somewhat of a problem in my mind with the mixture of thee, ye, but then you write, "You are mine". Shouldn't your language choices be consistent? If you wish to write with old usage language, shouldn't you say thou art mine?

The reason I point this out is that to me the mixed signals in my mind make the language seemed coerced at times. And I think you are better than that.

[Richard🖌]

Hi again, Barrett,

I was serious in my response to your first review of this piece, and I'll be more serious now.
Yeah, I know-I know the status quo, and I do appreciate and understand your thoughts here … I’ve been around poetry a very long time, and have heard most everything from others about my brand of writing.
Outside of set formats, it is my earnest contention that poetry, being an art form, each of us has license to be creative in whatever manner best deemed fit for our needs and desires of expression, and I get that what you take issue with is yours and others’ like preference … obviously, not something I have a problem with.
Some of today's contemporary artists feel as you do, while others believe a wee pinch of the King's Language adds a bit of Olde World charm, and blending-in a word or two here and there is perfectly fine with me, too … it does not mean an entire piece has to be either slathered with Shakespearean-like verbiage or stripped entirely of “so-called” poetic language.
And, you’re right, I am better than that, when/if I choose to be, and as a long-tenured poet of many formats and genre, I think I’ve earned the right to choose.
From my point-of-view, when possible, we should be openminded enough to respect and learn to appreciate each others' many various writing modes and skills, even if they are not our favorite or our choice.
Having said that, you might enjoy other pieces of mine that are free of ”poetic language", but not, necessarily, poetic voice.
If you’d like, try these:
Free Verse, Explaining to a Leaf https://www.writerscafe.org/writing/RichardJ/2096521/
Quatrains, The TREE http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/RichardJ/1550785/
Kyrielle, Softly In My Dreams http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/RichardJ/1673658/
Mollietta, A Peaceful Hush http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/RichardJ/1632752/
Free Verse, The River, The Clouds, and Us https://www.writerscafe.org/writing/RichardJ/1795500/
Free Verse, Beside the Pond http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/RichardJ/1558954/
Freestyle, The Bluebird http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/RichardJ/1545249/
Blank Verse, I wonder, Why? http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/RichardJ/1634930/
And, here’s one you might find worthy, even with a few words of olde. : )
English Sonnet, Life’s Song http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/RichardJ/1805226/

I certainly enjoy chatting about anything poetry, Barrett, and I thank you for the opportunity to do so.
My best to thee, M’Fine Friend! ⁓ Richard🖌

[W. Barrett Munn]

Thanks, Richard. I, too, agree that it is up to the poet to choose his/her language. I read an interesting book recently whose author's basic claim was that we shouldn't like "poetry" but poems. Not everyone can possibly like every poem or every style. But that should not prevent us from finding poems that we like, that strike a chord.

I kind of think you are saying the same thing and I heartily agree. Good talk.
PS. I'll read some of the others you posted when I have more time.

[Patricia Wedel]

This Spring I have seen beautiful Bumble Bees... so with all the trouble in the World... the Beautiful Bees are still here to Pollinate. One of the most necessary happenings. Happy Spring.... and thereafter. tenderly, Pat

[Richard🖌]

Hi, Lady Pat! 🌺

It's so nice to see you this fine day.
I agree, bumble bees really are beautiful to gaze upon and watch gather pollen, so long as you don't rile them … OUCH! 🐝

What a lovely review, M'Dear … thank you ever-so warmly.
Happy Spring! ⁓ Richard 🍃

[Aura]

Beautifully written! The most simplest words "you are mine" opens a world of happiness where not even the raging wars can intrude on this newfound love. I particularly like your usage of "thee", "ye" i think it makes the poem have character, sounds more Like old english and i admire that.

[Richard🖌]

And, beautifully reviewed, Aura🍷

That you've found a bit of happiness and something to admire amidst my humble words, is gratification an olde bard loves receiving from a lady-poet of your unique discernment.
Yes, Aura, I agree; poetic language can add a nice touch of prosody, if not overly done.

Thank you ever-so warmly for dropping by … anytime! ⁓ Richard 🖌

[Aura]

You are welcome!

[keith]

i'll be straight up and honest with ya
i will not critique nor suggest change(s) ... it would then be my work, a rewrite
i can however tell you this was an enjoyable red

[Richard🖌]

Thank you, Keith,

Your enjoyment is my own.
I invite critique and constructive comments in order that readers will have an opportunity to help me improve on my skills … one of the most important reason we're here is to learn and improve. I cannot begin to count the times a reader has helped me with a simple suggestion or to tell I've a misspelling, a punctuation issue, or used a word improperly, etc; the help over the years has been invaluable and appreciated. Helping me by expression your constructive critique does not give you ownership over my work in any way, anymore than it does when submitting it to an editor for cleaning-up before publishing.
I will always appreciate you caring enough to lend a helping hand … what better way to learn and improve.

I am so very glad you enjoyed this little piece! ⁓ Richard🖌

[Lisasview]

As i sit here dear Richard, I am drawn into every word you share.
Your beautiful poem goes beyond any word I can find to truly describe it.
I am left with a feeling of immense 💕 love.
Your gift for such rich poetry is....well, I am at a loss for words.
How does one review a perfect poem, other than to say perhaps ... BRAVO
Loved it,
Lisa

[Richard🖌]

Lisa Dear 🍑

With every graciously appreciative and laudatory review, your words encourage and inspire a bard's battered olde pen to revive and shine, to dance anew upon the page.

That you "love" anything about my humble efforts, Dear Poetess, is gratification any I could have expected, but I'm keeping every word close 'n warm!

Thank you for your gentle touch! ⁓ Richard🖌

[Lisasview]

You are as always very welcome dear Richard,
Lisa, crazy busy in Spain

[Najam Us Saher]

What a lovely and peaceful atmoshpere you have created with your words. My heart rejoices reading this.

[Richard🖌]

Sooo beautiful your words, Najam 💫

Our hearts rejoice together ⁓ Richard🖌

[‘Thoughts In Time..]

The heart needs to be lifted to heights unobtainable in more ways than one- becoming one never ending or undone- wonderful words🌹

[Richard🖌]

Thank you most gratefully, Kelly,
For another beautifully philosophical dissertation on the blissful conventions of love, and certainly for such a lovely compliment.

Warmest blessings 'pon thee, Dear Lady-Poet✨ ⁓ Richard

[‘Thoughts In Time’🌹]

My pleasure always🌹

[horizon]

It is just so much. Mesmerising poem. Sir..it. Just. Took. Away my attention from. All tha other activities..I was just. Drwan too. It.....it's words really holds depth..." pomegranate of your lips..whispering you are mine" these words are so intense I read it again for a couple of times.. I've felt each word really...it was soooo real...

[Richard🖌]

Ahhh, Lovely Ghanishtha 🌸

You always gift me a special touch that speaks to my poetic heart with the joy of tenderness.

Thank you Sweet Poetess! ⁓ Richard🖌