One Desert Night ~ (twilight romance)

Pantoum

                                          One Desert Night ~

                                          One cool, dark night, bright stars above ...
                                          bloom cactus flow’rs o'er moonlit sand.
                                          Soft, soothing, coos the desert dove,
                                          quiet descends 'cross starlit land.

                                          Bloom cactus flow'rs o’er moonlit sand;
                                          coyote's howls, I'm lonesome, too.
                                          Quiet descends 'cross starlit land;
                                         'neath tall saguaro, dreams ensue.

                                          Coyotes’ howls, I'm lonesome, too;
                                          behind my eyes your face takes shape.
                                         'Neath tall saguaro, dreams ensue;
                                          in harmony ~ this world escape.

                                          Behind my eyes your face takes shape;
                                          lips soft like down caress my soul.
                                          In harmony ~ this world escape,
                                          while making-love, flow one and whole.

                                          Lips soft like down caress my soul;
                                          soft, soothing, coos the desert dove ...
                                          while making-love, flow one and whole,
                                          one cool, dark night, bright stars above.


                                          Richard W. Jenkins
                                                      ©2015

"A Contest Capers Winner"

Author's Note

"PANTOUM"
The pantoum is a poetic form derived from the Pantun, a Malay verse form: Specifically from the Pantun Berkait, a series of interwoven quatrains from the 15th century, a short folk poem.
The Pantoum is similar to the Villanelle, in that there are repeating refrain lines throughout the poem. It is composed of a series of at least 5 Quatrains in lines of 8 or 10-syllables each; the 2nd and 4th lines of each stanza are repeated as the 1st and 3rd lines of each ensuing stanza, as follows (capitalized letters designate placement of rhymes and repeated refrain lines):

Line 1 - Rhyme A1
Line 2 - Rhyme B1
Line 3 - Rhyme A2
Line 4 - Rhyme B2

Line 5 - Line 2 previous verse B1
Line 6 - Rhyme C1
Line 7 - Line 4 previous verse B2
Line 8 - Rhyme C2

Line 9 - Line 2 previous verse C1
Line 10 - Rhyme D1
Line 11 - Line 4 previous verse C2
Line 12 - Rhyme D2

Line 13 - Line 2 previous verse D1
Line 14 - Rhyme E1
Line 15 - Line 4 previous verse D2
Line 16 - Rhyme E2

Continue the cycle carrying the even lines to the odd of the next stanza for as many stanzas as you wish - though, with a minimum of four stanzas and a final Quatrain, EXCEPT for the last stanza, which is built as follows:

Line 2 of previous stanza E1
Line 3 of FIRST stanza A2
Line 4 of previous stanza E2
Line 1 of FIRST stanza A1

—————————————————————————————

Critical reviews are always welcome! : )

Reviews

[William Michael Reeves]

You did some editing before I got to this. Wondering what you changed? At first I was distracted by the structure you created then quickly realized the returns stand on their own. Unique. Then I read it not concerned with its form and it is a beautiful poem. Then I read the returns as a separate poem and that was working too. Sort of. Very interesting. You puzzle parameters and pen poetic!

[Richard🖌]

Thank you, Bill🌵

For reading and commenting on this romantic little Pantoum piece.
You said, "You did some editing before I got to this. Wondering what you changed?"

Before I sent you the URL for this poem, I was reading the instruction details and came to this portion (capitalized letters designate placement of rhymes and repeated refrain lines) and noted I'd failed to include "placement of rhymes", so I added that for clarification.
As the Pantoum is a rather complex poetic form, I wanted the instruction details to be as inclusive as possible for you to follow and learn from.
Some of your comments, in themselves, are unique, and I hope you'll clarify them for me:
1. "returns"
2. I read the "returns as a separate poem" and that was working too. "Sort of."
3. You "puzzle parameters"

If you should run into issues composing your Pantoum, I'll be happy to lend a hand; and, when it is posted, please, let me know so I can read, enjoy, and review it.

Thank you for your gratefully appreciated compliments, too! ⁓ Richard🖌

[William Michael Reeves]

By returns I meant when you brought the end of the line back to the margin. Felt like those 'ends' stood on their own and not sure if that was your intention. Which is part of the fun of poetry, trying to figure out a poets intent. And just for fun I read the 'ends' as a vertical poem and it 'sort of' made sense. Puzzling parameters is what I am all about. In this poem you flipped the lines creating a parameter which turns it into something more than just quatrains and typical structure that most poets follow. Unique structure. I love the idea of poetic expression within parameters established. Since I'm new to all the various forms I'm determined to try my pen at all. But as much as I'm fascinated with forms if I really have something I need to say I'll do it in my 'style' which is way more complex than any of the forms. At this point I've written most of the forms I'm aware of. My pantoum is 'No Stranger To Death' and my Villanelle is 'Walking Cobwebs'. There is a third species of sonnet which is brewing in my head now. Petrarchan sonnet. After Matt's feedback I've been thinking about how to get that right meter. He said Amazing Grace is the best example of the da DA da DA da of it. I think my two sonnets may have stumbled when I used 3 syllable words. Gonna see if the third time's a charm. I have this idea going. One of my most recent poems is an attempt at free verse. I find it very difficult to write. But in a misguided need to impress Jacob, (another mentor) I tried. I like my subject though and have already started writing something in every form on the same subject. Might be an interesting presentation. I've already written the Cinquain and a few Japanese forms for it. Might do all or most forms. See where it goes.

I so desperately wish I had more time. My circle here in the cafe has grown and circumnavigating it gets harder and harder. I have a brainful of ideas and have been so inspired by everyone here. I never shared my poetry much but for who it was written for. I've known the satisfaction of making people cry and laugh. My poems have been recited by others as prayers in prayer groups. But having the attention of other serious poets has been something amazing to me. And I suspect I am about to learn much more now that you are in my circle sailing on words that can take us all the way around our minds!! Thank you Richard, write you soon.

Bill

[Richard🖌]

Concerning "returns":
I just sent a picture of my poem as it appears on my screen.

[Richard🖌]

Bill,

I don't want readers trying to figure out my intent … I want it to be plainly understood, rarely ever ambiguous, and if it isn't, I've failed.
The flipped and created parameters are not of my doing, they are inherent to the Pantoum form … see the instruction details.
Speaking of the Sonnet, did you read my blog on Iambics? If you do, be sure to leave me your feedback.
There is also a blog on Free Verse/Freestyle poetry you should read BEFORE attempting either of these forms.
Resist getting in a hurry and going nilly-willy into any poetic with no (or, scant) understanding … it's a great way to develop bad, hard-to-break habits that waste your time and efforts.
As to your expanding circle, I finally had to shrink it to manageable size ; you may end resorting to this, as-well, if you're to make any progress in studying, learning, and writing.
Generally, the more prolific, the quality of your poetry will suffer … far better to take your time and produce pieces you can take real pride in and your readers will more fully appreciate and enjoy.

Just my 2¢ worth. ; )

[mattavelli]

A beautiful poem, Richard. And wow, what a puzzle the form is. Thanks for letting us know about it. :)
Here you show us, not just your talent for beautiful wording, but your "mental elasticity"... It takes a lot to wrap your mind around all of this and seal the phrase. Haha

[Richard🖌]

Thank you most sincerely, Matt!
With praise and acknowledgments of insightful understanding and hints of enjoyment like yours, I know my efforts have not been wasted … what better gratification could an humble poet hope for?
Thanks again, My Very Fine Friend! ⁓ Richard

[emmajoy]

Reached the half way mark and wondered why you were repeating certain phrases; wasn't sure whether i liked it or no. Then at last, the thought dawned - maybe this is a specific form of poetry..Read on and - realised it was - fool, me. FINALLY, of course arrived at your Author's Note! Should have read it first perhaps?

No, NO, glad i didn't because i 'd so appreciated the meter of the piece and of course, its content. Had i known more, am pretty sure i'd have focussed on the technicalities rather than the actual 'wordage'! Thank you for the lesson on how to.. tis really interesting.

[Richard🖌]

Thank you truly and gratefully, emma joy, for not giving-up on this little effort at poetic expression, before its spirit could come to light for you.
Emma, I think your instinctive insights in the method of reading, and the ensuing appreciation of this piece, are amazing.
For a master writer in the Free Verse form of your stature, to offer such acclaim to a structured composition as this poem is rendered in, I know I must have done something worthy in merit of your praise … and this alone is far more payment than an aspiring olde bard could possibly have hoped for.
With modest gratitude, I most sincerely thank you for your wonderful review! ⁓ Richard

[J. J. Nightingale]

As Roland said... I live in the desert, so this verse caught my eye..
Favorite line... soft, soothing, coos the desert dove .............

I don't care for form .. never use it..

But this flows cool and mild.........

Jazz

[Richard🖌]

Thank you most gratefully, Jasmine, for reading and commenting on this lovely Pantoum poem of desert romance.
It pleases me warmly that you found favor and familiarity in its verses, and that is certainly a nice line you've singled-out.
Thank you, too, for the very thoughtful praise … hugs 'n blessings! ⁓ Richard

[J. J. Nightingale]

You are welcome Richard...................

[Roland Petrov]

The pantoum makes my head spin (or maybe it's the wine). Will I ever attempt this? I almost certainly would have to dry out first. What attracted me to the poem is that I live in the desert, and your description is perfection!

[Richard🖌]

Roland,
I know, and you know, that you can compose in any form set before you, so all the humble platitudes will not serve you well enough to escape the teacher's far-reaching blackboard … LOL!
Seems you still owe an English Sonnet. If you need any help, you know where I am. ; )

Thanks, My friend, for reading this little desert number, and for such gratifying praise! ⁓ Richard

[Richard🖌]

BTW:
Roland, be sure to let me know when you've composed in one of these introduced forms, so i can come review/critique/enjoy your efforts, eh? : )

[Roland Petrov]

My first pantoum is posted!

[Richard🖌]

Oh-BOY!
I'm running over there fast as I can!
A super English Sonnet next, eh? : )

[Roland Petrov]

You will see that iambic pentameter is not my strong suite, but thanks to your dogged determination, I have posted my very first English Sonnet.