One Desert Night ~ (twilight romance)

Pantoum

                                          One Desert Night ~

                                          One cool, dark night, bright stars above ...
                                          bloom cactus flow’rs o'er moonlit sand.
                                          Soft, soothing, coos the desert dove,
                                          quiet descends 'cross starlit land.

                                          Bloom cactus flow'rs o’er moonlit sand;
                                          coyote's howls, I'm lonesome, too.
                                          Quiet descends 'cross starlit land;
                                         'neath tall saguaro, dreams ensue.

                                          Coyotes’ howls, I'm lonesome, too;
                                          behind my eyes your face takes shape.
                                         'Neath tall saguaro, dreams ensue;
                                          in harmony ~ this world escape.

                                          Behind my eyes your face takes shape;
                                          lips soft like down caress my soul.
                                          In harmony ~ this world escape,
                                          while making-love, flow one and whole.

                                          Lips soft like down caress my soul;
                                          soft, soothing, coos the desert dove ...
                                          while making-love, flow one and whole,
                                          one cool, dark night, bright stars above.


                                          Richard W. Jenkins
                                                      ©2015

"A Contest Capers Winner"

Author's Note

"PANTOUM"
The pantoum is a poetic form derived from the Pantun, a Malay verse form: Specifically from the Pantun Berkait, a series of interwoven quatrains from the 15th century, a short folk poem.
The Pantoum is similar to the Villanelle, in that there are repeating refrain lines throughout the poem. It is composed of a series of at least 5 Quatrains in lines of 8 or 10-syllables each; the 2nd and 4th lines of each stanza are repeated as the 1st and 3rd lines of each ensuing stanza, as follows (capitalized letters designate placement of rhymes and repeated refrain lines):

Line 1 - Rhyme A1
Line 2 - Rhyme B1
Line 3 - Rhyme A2
Line 4 - Rhyme B2

Line 5 - Line 2 previous verse B1
Line 6 - Rhyme C1
Line 7 - Line 4 previous verse B2
Line 8 - Rhyme C2

Line 9 - Line 2 previous verse C1
Line 10 - Rhyme D1
Line 11 - Line 4 previous verse C2
Line 12 - Rhyme D2

Line 13 - Line 2 previous verse D1
Line 14 - Rhyme E1
Line 15 - Line 4 previous verse D2
Line 16 - Rhyme E2

Continue the cycle carrying the even lines to the odd of the next stanza for as many stanzas as you wish - though, with a minimum of four stanzas and a final Quatrain, EXCEPT for the last stanza, which is built as follows:

Line 2 of previous stanza E1
Line 3 of FIRST stanza A2
Line 4 of previous stanza E2
Line 1 of FIRST stanza A1

—————————————————————————————

Critical reviews are always welcome! : )

Reviews

[William Michael Reeves]

You did some editing before I got to this. Wondering what you changed? At first I was distracted by the structure you created then quickly realized the returns stand on their own. Unique. Then I read it not concerned with its form and it is a beautiful poem. Then I read the returns as a separate poem and that was working too. Sort of. Very interesting. You puzzle parameters and pen poetic!

[Richard🖌]

Thank you, Bill🌵

For reading and commenting on this romantic little Pantoum piece.
You said, "You did some editing before I got to this. Wondering what you changed?"

Before I sent you the URL for this poem, I was reading the instruction details and came to this portion (capitalized letters designate placement of rhymes and repeated refrain lines) and noted I'd failed to include "placement of rhymes", so I added that for clarification.
As the Pantoum is a rather complex poetic form, I wanted the instruction details to be as inclusive as possible for you to follow and learn from.
Some of your comments, in themselves, are unique, and I hope you'll clarify them for me:
1. "returns"
2. I read the "returns as a separate poem" and that was working too. "Sort of."
3. You "puzzle parameters"

If you should run into issues composing your Pantoum, I'll be happy to lend a hand; and, when it is posted, please, let me know so I can read, enjoy, and review it.

Thank you for your gratefully appreciated compliments, too! ⁓ Richard🖌

[William Michael Reeves]

By returns I meant when you brought the end of the line back to the margin. Felt like those 'ends' stood on their own and not sure if that was your intention. Which is part of the fun of poetry, trying to figure out a poets intent. And just for fun I read the 'ends' as a vertical poem and it 'sort of' made sense. Puzzling parameters is what I am all about. In this poem you flipped the lines creating a parameter which turns it into something more than just quatrains and typical structure that most poets follow. Unique structure. I love the idea of poetic expression within parameters established. Since I'm new to all the various forms I'm determined to try my pen at all. But as much as I'm fascinated with forms if I really have something I need to say I'll do it in my 'style' which is way more complex than any of the forms. At this point I've written most of the forms I'm aware of. My pantoum is 'No Stranger To Death' and my Villanelle is 'Walking Cobwebs'. There is a third species of sonnet which is brewing in my head now. Petrarchan sonnet. After Matt's feedback I've been thinking about how to get that right meter. He said Amazing Grace is the best example of the da DA da DA da of it. I think my two sonnets may have stumbled when I used 3 syllable words. Gonna see if the third time's a charm. I have this idea going. One of my most recent poems is an attempt at free verse. I find it very difficult to write. But in a misguided need to impress Jacob, (another mentor) I tried. I like my subject though and have already started writing something in every form on the same subject. Might be an interesting presentation. I've already written the Cinquain and a few Japanese forms for it. Might do all or most forms. See where it goes.

I so desperately wish I had more time. My circle here in the cafe has grown and circumnavigating it gets harder and harder. I have a brainful of ideas and have been so inspired by everyone here. I never shared my poetry much but for who it was written for. I've known the satisfaction of making people cry and laugh. My poems have been recited by others as prayers in prayer groups. But having the attention of other serious poets has been something amazing to me. And I suspect I am about to learn much more now that you are in my circle sailing on words that can take us all the way around our minds!! Thank you Richard, write you soon.

Bill

[Richard🖌]

Concerning "returns":
I just sent a picture of my poem as it appears on my screen.

[Richard🖌]

Bill,

I don't want readers trying to figure out my intent … I want it to be plainly understood, rarely ever ambiguous, and if it isn't, I've failed.
The flipped and created parameters are not of my doing, they are inherent to the Pantoum form … see the instruction details.
Speaking of the Sonnet, did you read my blog on Iambics? If you do, be sure to leave me your feedback.
There is also a blog on Free Verse/Freestyle poetry you should read BEFORE attempting either of these forms.
Resist getting in a hurry and going nilly-willy into any poetic with no (or, scant) understanding … it's a great way to develop bad, hard-to-break habits that waste your time and efforts.
As to your expanding circle, I finally had to shrink it to manageable size ; you may end resorting to this, as-well, if you're to make any progress in studying, learning, and writing.
Generally, the more prolific, the quality of your poetry will suffer … far better to take your time and produce pieces you can take real pride in and your readers will more fully appreciate and enjoy.

Just my 2¢ worth. ; )

[Valentine]

Beautifully written. I never studied writing, I just love doing it. Valentine

[Richard🖌]

G'Day, Ms. Kathie!
I hope all is well in your snowy neck of the woods. ; )
It is so warming to know you've found favor in this little piece of moonlit desert romance … sounds nice, eh?
Well, studying or not, I happen to thoroughly enjoy your poetry, because i believe it comes from the heart, a very smart mind, and a deeply understanding and caring soul.
Thank you with my warmest hugs, for such a delight review, Dear Kathie! ⁓ Richard

[mariliis]

Should have been a song. Yes, really. Because of the harmony of the rhymes, making it melodical. Oh, and the images are so lovely.

[Richard🖌]

I cannot thank you enough for gracing my poetry with your gracious and generous praise … for, what more could a hopeful bard wish?
Thank you most gratefully, Mariliis … come anytime! ⁓ Richard

[Jacquelene Vanessa More..]

this is like peering into the deserts soul while it dances in the night.

[Richard🖌]

Sweet are the beautifully romantic, soft-flowing sentiments you've breathlessly whispered through me, Jacqueline … as though, like the desert's soul, you've peered into my own! 〜 Richard

[Benson Osuji]

great poem about the ideal gotten from this poem is interesting and is not every bodies favourite next time try something out of the box that is an idea that is not used by many because the love theme is already choked up anyhow nice poem

[Richard🖌]

Thank you for your candid (if not blunt) thoughts, Benson, and for your very nice compliments, as-well.
Contrary to what you say of popularity, love poems will never grow old (except for the rare few), as long as there are readers who love, seek love, and are in-love … don't you know it's "love" that makes the world go 'round? LOL!
Any thoughts in particular you'd like to share on the form, itself?

[andrew mitchell]

A great write Richard and I enjoyed the education behind this. Nicely explained and informative Thank you for sharing!

[Richard🖌]

Andrew, I cannot thank you enough for reading and enjoying my poetry, My Friend, and your praise is more than enough to prompt me to shine my olde pen and fill it with fresh ink for a new round of creativity … big smiles to you! ⁓ Richard

[Taylor]

Well, Richard, few have gotten me to review poetry, but since you've overtaken me as a reviewer, I decided to see what you had to offer! I was looking for prose, but having found none, I decided to take a look at this. It is a lovely poem; knowing zilch about poetry (and generally not liking it which may be related to not knowing much about it), I like the form and I appreciate your author's note explaining it. I found the poem very soothing and graceful -- the repetition of the themes and certain lines felt like swirling meteors in a starry sky or perhaps Van Gogh's "Starry Night." Lovely images -- coyotes' howls the auditory expression of the narrator's loneliness. You appealed to all of the senses . Your poem was "soft like down" to caress the soul.

[Richard🖌]

Hi, Taylor!
What a privilege and honor it is to have my poetry reviewed and critiqued by such a fine raconteur, or as is in my unrefined mind's-eye, the work of yours I've read.
I wish I could have satisfied your desire for prose, My Friend, but poetry seems to have taken me over from a very early age. The closest I come to prose would be the Free Verse and Free Style forms, of which I have several posted on here, if you'd care to avail yourself of those examples. Each form I have composed-in is noted the quotations beneath each title.
Your praise is more than a little gratifying to my ardent efforts to share and please, and the inspiration, thereof, shall have my pen dancing with excitement!

I thank you most gratefully, Taylor, for your fine and thoughtful review.
Brightest blessings upon you! ⁓ Richard

[Jake Kokoris]

Reading this was a form of meditation. You personified the desert's unspoken gentleness and created a firm bond between it and the speaker. It almost seemed like a calming bridge between the speakers present self and fond memories of the past. Interesting note on the form as well.

[Richard🖌]

Thank you most gratefully and warmly, Jake, for your thoughtfully insightful review … a poem within itself … that has left me feeling blessed.
As to the note: It would be wonderful if you undertook to compose your own Pantoum, My Friend … the experience is so constructive and gratifying once completed and gazed upon.

Many blessings to you! ⁓ Richard

[...Relic...]

It doesn't get much better than this. The picture and the words fit together so well. Thanks for pointing out what a pantoum is. I'll try one in the future. Excellent work Richard.

[Richard🖌]

Well, My Ol' Friend,
I must've really gone to sleep at the wheel to have missed your excellently gratifying and inspiring review of this challenging little piece.

I guess I've been waiting for you to compose your Pantoum … wink*
Bless You, Tim! ⁓ Richard 🍃

[...Relic...]

haha, I'm having trouble composing my name lately. lol Someday though I'll give it a try. :)

[Richard🖌]

I can barely wait! ; )

[...Relic...]

Just don't hold your breath. haha

[Richard🖌]

GASSSPPPP!!!!

[Patricia H]

Love this form. Beautiful work. Soothing and gentle as a late Summer breeze.

[Richard🖌]

Ahhh, Patricia!
Your words, smooth as a cool desert breeze on a fevered brow, caress in such sweet poetic bliss.

Thank you ever-so warmly!! ⁓ Richard 🍃

[Sultrysoul]

Even though I don't know every form of poetry (as I am truly eager to learn) every word you write always speaks to my soul, resignating in my heart, reaching deep within me. You are truly magic and I am gifted through every word. Thank you for sharing. Warm hugs to you

Sultrysoul

[Richard🖌]

Ya gotta be kidding, SS!
How on earth did I ever miss this heavenly review from the site's most sensually-romantic poetess?
Goodness, how your words deeply bless and arouse within the spark to shine-up my olde pen and do it all again … smiles 'n hugs of warmest thanks to you, too, M'Lady! ⁓ Richard

[Sultrysoul]

Better late than never. I'm pleased to always gaze upon the grace of your words it's always an honor.