One Desert Night ~ (twilight romance)

Pantoum

                                          One Desert Night ~

                                          One cool, dark night, bright stars above ...
                                          bloom cactus flow’rs o'er moonlit sand.
                                          Soft, soothing, coos the desert dove,
                                          quiet descends 'cross starlit land.

                                          Bloom cactus flow'rs o’er moonlit sand;
                                          coyote's howls, I'm lonesome, too.
                                          Quiet descends 'cross starlit land;
                                         'neath tall saguaro, dreams ensue.

                                          Coyotes’ howls, I'm lonesome, too;
                                          behind my eyes your face takes shape.
                                         'Neath tall saguaro, dreams ensue;
                                          in harmony ~ this world escape.

                                          Behind my eyes your face takes shape;
                                          lips soft like down caress my soul.
                                          In harmony ~ this world escape,
                                          while making-love, flow one and whole.

                                          Lips soft like down caress my soul;
                                          soft, soothing, coos the desert dove ...
                                          while making-love, flow one and whole,
                                          one cool, dark night, bright stars above.


                                          Richard W. Jenkins
                                                      ©2015

"A Contest Capers Winner"

Author's Note

"PANTOUM"
The pantoum is a poetic form derived from the Pantun, a Malay verse form: Specifically from the Pantun Berkait, a series of interwoven quatrains from the 15th century, a short folk poem.
The Pantoum is similar to the Villanelle, in that there are repeating refrain lines throughout the poem. It is composed of a series of at least 5 Quatrains in lines of 8 or 10-syllables each; the 2nd and 4th lines of each stanza are repeated as the 1st and 3rd lines of each ensuing stanza, as follows (capitalized letters designate placement of rhymes and repeated refrain lines):

Line 1 - Rhyme A1
Line 2 - Rhyme B1
Line 3 - Rhyme A2
Line 4 - Rhyme B2

Line 5 - Line 2 previous verse B1
Line 6 - Rhyme C1
Line 7 - Line 4 previous verse B2
Line 8 - Rhyme C2

Line 9 - Line 2 previous verse C1
Line 10 - Rhyme D1
Line 11 - Line 4 previous verse C2
Line 12 - Rhyme D2

Line 13 - Line 2 previous verse D1
Line 14 - Rhyme E1
Line 15 - Line 4 previous verse D2
Line 16 - Rhyme E2

Continue the cycle carrying the even lines to the odd of the next stanza for as many stanzas as you wish - though, with a minimum of four stanzas and a final Quatrain, EXCEPT for the last stanza, which is built as follows:

Line 2 of previous stanza E1
Line 3 of FIRST stanza A2
Line 4 of previous stanza E2
Line 1 of FIRST stanza A1

—————————————————————————————

Critical reviews are always welcome! : )

Reviews

[William Michael Reeves]

You did some editing before I got to this. Wondering what you changed? At first I was distracted by the structure you created then quickly realized the returns stand on their own. Unique. Then I read it not concerned with its form and it is a beautiful poem. Then I read the returns as a separate poem and that was working too. Sort of. Very interesting. You puzzle parameters and pen poetic!

[Richard🖌]

Thank you, Bill🌵

For reading and commenting on this romantic little Pantoum piece.
You said, "You did some editing before I got to this. Wondering what you changed?"

Before I sent you the URL for this poem, I was reading the instruction details and came to this portion (capitalized letters designate placement of rhymes and repeated refrain lines) and noted I'd failed to include "placement of rhymes", so I added that for clarification.
As the Pantoum is a rather complex poetic form, I wanted the instruction details to be as inclusive as possible for you to follow and learn from.
Some of your comments, in themselves, are unique, and I hope you'll clarify them for me:
1. "returns"
2. I read the "returns as a separate poem" and that was working too. "Sort of."
3. You "puzzle parameters"

If you should run into issues composing your Pantoum, I'll be happy to lend a hand; and, when it is posted, please, let me know so I can read, enjoy, and review it.

Thank you for your gratefully appreciated compliments, too! ⁓ Richard🖌

[William Michael Reeves]

By returns I meant when you brought the end of the line back to the margin. Felt like those 'ends' stood on their own and not sure if that was your intention. Which is part of the fun of poetry, trying to figure out a poets intent. And just for fun I read the 'ends' as a vertical poem and it 'sort of' made sense. Puzzling parameters is what I am all about. In this poem you flipped the lines creating a parameter which turns it into something more than just quatrains and typical structure that most poets follow. Unique structure. I love the idea of poetic expression within parameters established. Since I'm new to all the various forms I'm determined to try my pen at all. But as much as I'm fascinated with forms if I really have something I need to say I'll do it in my 'style' which is way more complex than any of the forms. At this point I've written most of the forms I'm aware of. My pantoum is 'No Stranger To Death' and my Villanelle is 'Walking Cobwebs'. There is a third species of sonnet which is brewing in my head now. Petrarchan sonnet. After Matt's feedback I've been thinking about how to get that right meter. He said Amazing Grace is the best example of the da DA da DA da of it. I think my two sonnets may have stumbled when I used 3 syllable words. Gonna see if the third time's a charm. I have this idea going. One of my most recent poems is an attempt at free verse. I find it very difficult to write. But in a misguided need to impress Jacob, (another mentor) I tried. I like my subject though and have already started writing something in every form on the same subject. Might be an interesting presentation. I've already written the Cinquain and a few Japanese forms for it. Might do all or most forms. See where it goes.

I so desperately wish I had more time. My circle here in the cafe has grown and circumnavigating it gets harder and harder. I have a brainful of ideas and have been so inspired by everyone here. I never shared my poetry much but for who it was written for. I've known the satisfaction of making people cry and laugh. My poems have been recited by others as prayers in prayer groups. But having the attention of other serious poets has been something amazing to me. And I suspect I am about to learn much more now that you are in my circle sailing on words that can take us all the way around our minds!! Thank you Richard, write you soon.

Bill

[Richard🖌]

Concerning "returns":
I just sent a picture of my poem as it appears on my screen.

[Richard🖌]

Bill,

I don't want readers trying to figure out my intent … I want it to be plainly understood, rarely ever ambiguous, and if it isn't, I've failed.
The flipped and created parameters are not of my doing, they are inherent to the Pantoum form … see the instruction details.
Speaking of the Sonnet, did you read my blog on Iambics? If you do, be sure to leave me your feedback.
There is also a blog on Free Verse/Freestyle poetry you should read BEFORE attempting either of these forms.
Resist getting in a hurry and going nilly-willy into any poetic with no (or, scant) understanding … it's a great way to develop bad, hard-to-break habits that waste your time and efforts.
As to your expanding circle, I finally had to shrink it to manageable size ; you may end resorting to this, as-well, if you're to make any progress in studying, learning, and writing.
Generally, the more prolific, the quality of your poetry will suffer … far better to take your time and produce pieces you can take real pride in and your readers will more fully appreciate and enjoy.

Just my 2¢ worth. ; )

[Zenovia]

Behind my eyes your face takes shape;

These lines spoke to me...richard
The midnight memories that keeps the lonesome night in desert warm...enjoyed the new format of the poetry a lot ....I was holding the oxygen bottle at the tent of desert ..but you seem to have lost the way .. ;)
Xo~ Zenovia

[Richard🖌]

Nice choice of lines, Zenovia! : )
Your comments both gratify my efforts and inspire my always primed pen to take it in hand and flow.
I'll keep looking for the oxygen bottle … seems I need it all the ore now! : )
The "format" of the poem is far from new … it's inception was in the 1400s; you should give it a try, it's fun and quite challenging.
Thank you, Dear Lady-Poet, for gifting my humble little effort such warmth and loveliness … cozy hugs to thee! ⁓ Richard ; )

[Zenovia]

will try to learn to write like this from you :)

[Richard🖌]

For You, I am always available, Zenovia … just tap my shoulder anytime you're ready!

[Zenovia]

:) should i tap now

[Richard🖌]

"Anytime" you're ready!

[SJ Mullins]

LMAO. It is just the way you write, Mr. Jenkins. ;)

[SJ Mullins]

LMAO. It is just the way you write, Mr. Jenkins. ;)

[barleygirl]

These repeating poetry styles are my least favorite becuz most repeating lines sound like they're simply put there mechanically to satisfy the form, rather than to further the meaningful aspects of the message. In this poem of yours, however, I almost don't even notice the repetition, becuz the meaning of each line fits into the spot where the line is nestled. This very rarely happens with this poetry format, so I applaud you with my highest level of admiration.

[Richard🖌]

Aw, Margie! ☺️
From your last words, you've made me tear-up, and before them, that you were able to set aside the disdain for this brand of poetry is a treasured blessing that means so very-very much to this olde bard … I feel, I feel — as though I''ve been sprinkled with spark'ling stardust!
Happy huggs 'n joyous blessings of many thank yous, M'Lovely Lady-Poet! ⁓ Richard

Thank you so much, Margie*

[Gabrielle Esposito]

Richard,
With this challenging type of poem you have pulled it off masterfully. Your words, images and stylistic choices have all come together to present a very complete piece that makes me feel incredibly warm and wondering inside. You make me feel a longing to know something like this through your words. Incredible work as always. Keep writing!
~Gabi

[Richard🖌]

Thank you, Dear Gabi,
Again, you grace one of my pieces with your lovely presence, your keen eye and sense for detail, depth of feeling, and your genuine response to romantic and emotional allure tells me we've connected on a level few are capable of.
I cannot thank you enough, Gabi, for your appreciative praise, expressions of enjoyment, and meaningful connection … hugs to you! ⁓ Richard

[Jennesis]

Interesting technique, the lines echo against the desert sand. My eyes were drawn to the single words on the side, the formatting highlights them....
'Above sand dove,
sand shape
shape
whole dove
whole above'

Gives its own feeling of poetry. Very cool.

[Richard🖌]

Thank you, Jenn!
Yes, the Pantoum is, indeed, an interesting form, and quite the challenge for the first time writer to undertake, but so much can be learned and enjoyed by it for those talented and driven enough to undertake its allure … much like a beautiful woman.
I, too, enjoy those selections you've made … they sort-of embody the soul of this piece.

You reviews are truly enjoyed, Jenn … warmest thanks! ⁓ Richard

[Richard🖌]

"Your" reviews … : )

[TheMalady]

I am so glad that I found your profile. I can learn a lot from here and hopefully, I would be able to grasp them in no time (though it would take me long - not sure). :) So beautiful! A very interesting poem I just discovered today. :) Thanks a lot for sharing your knowledge!

[Richard🖌]

Thank you so much!
It is fun to share and learn with each other, and to receive appreciation and praise for our efforts … Thank you again so very much! ⁓ Richard : )

[jesserose99]

well Richard I have missed your words...the dove...a symbol that evokes love to many...something very personal to me, so I already am yours hook, line and sinker. You are brave to approach poetry forms that are difficult as such, it is so easy to get caught in our own patterns and not stretch our abilities because it is what we are use to. It is inspiring to see it done with such finesse.

The humor doesn't escape me either, and I don't know if I read it wrong...but I see 'the coyotes howling ...im lonesome too' with great inflection that cannot be typed on a page.

Well thought out as usual, you are a true artiste.

[Richard🖌]

Gee, Jesse!
What a wonderfully delightful and thoughtful review you've left for me and this very uniquely interesting poetic form.
It is always a pleasure and inspiration to receive such enjoyment and favor from a poetess' pen.
Many happy hugs to you! ⁓ Richard : )

[Philip Muls]

I am in awe for this kind of poetic art. The flow is amazing and the structure is beautiful in its discipline.

[Richard🖌]

Thank you, Dear Philip,
Your praise is more than enough gratification for this humbled bard to smile from the inside-out, and I sincerely mean it.
Thank you for blessing my poetry, and for leaving such a gracious review! ⁓ Richard

"Happy New Year To You, My Friend!"

[Solar]

A caress of a poem, as it touches the senses in its descriptions of space - the personal and the natural surroundings.

Thank you also for the explanation about 'pantoum'.

[Richard🖌]

Anytime one of my humble poems caresses and touches a beautiful poetess' senses enough for her to tell me, there's no doubt my rugged olde pen has produced something worthwhile and a little special.
How wonderful it would be if you were to compose you own Pantoum, M'Lady. : )
Most certainly, your words have set me aglow, Solar, and I love it … thank you ever-so warmly and gratefully! ⁓ Richard

[θεά]

Lyrical, unpretentious, simple and yet not simplistic.
The passionate tranquility of the verse makes it imperative for me to come back to it, again and again.

Looking forward to your future writings.
Best, M.

[Richard🖌]

Dear Mallika,
I would like to thank you for coming to read my poem and for the beauty your words have expressed to me, the feelings they've inspired within, and the gratitude I so warmly gift you for them.
Your re-reads are certainly encouraging, too, as is your proclaimed wish to return for my future writings … there are many more already here I would love to share with you, anytime.
Warmest thanks to you, Malllika! ⁓ Richard

[Willard Wells]

Very soft feel to this piece. I want to go to the desert and enjoy and you make me crave it even more. The analogy of desert and love is so well handled. A very soothing and loving piece.

The coolness of the desert night with your love close. Thanks you for sharing.

[Richard🖌]

Ohhh-YES, Willard!
What could be better than being warmly cuddled in a sleeping bag with one's lover on a cool, starlit desert night, not a cloud in sight!
Heck, your review is a poem in itself, that makes me want to revisit my own and dream awhile.
A huge smile of thanks to you, My Friend, for helping make this piece a truly enjoyable and successful effort … brightest blessings! ⁓ Richard

[Willard Wells]

Glad to read your work always. Quality

[Richard🖌]

Thanks again, Willard, and for the nice blush! : )