One Desert Night ~ (twilight romance)

Pantoum

                                          One Desert Night ~

                                          One cool, dark night, bright stars above ...
                                          bloom cactus flow’rs o'er moonlit sand.
                                          Soft, soothing, coos the desert dove,
                                          quiet descends 'cross starlit land.

                                          Bloom cactus flow'rs o’er moonlit sand;
                                          coyote's howls, I'm lonesome, too.
                                          Quiet descends 'cross starlit land;
                                         'neath tall saguaro, dreams ensue.

                                          Coyotes’ howls, I'm lonesome, too;
                                          behind my eyes your face takes shape.
                                         'Neath tall saguaro, dreams ensue;
                                          in harmony ~ this world escape.

                                          Behind my eyes your face takes shape;
                                          lips soft like down caress my soul.
                                          In harmony ~ this world escape,
                                          while making-love, flow one and whole.

                                          Lips soft like down caress my soul;
                                          soft, soothing, coos the desert dove ...
                                          while making-love, flow one and whole,
                                          one cool, dark night, bright stars above.


                                          Richard W. Jenkins
                                                      ©2015

"A Contest Capers Winner"

Author's Note

"PANTOUM"
The pantoum is a poetic form derived from the Pantun, a Malay verse form: Specifically from the Pantun Berkait, a series of interwoven quatrains from the 15th century, a short folk poem.
The Pantoum is similar to the Villanelle, in that there are repeating refrain lines throughout the poem. It is composed of a series of at least 5 Quatrains in lines of 8 or 10-syllables each; the 2nd and 4th lines of each stanza are repeated as the 1st and 3rd lines of each ensuing stanza, as follows (capitalized letters designate placement of rhymes and repeated refrain lines):

Line 1 - Rhyme A1
Line 2 - Rhyme B1
Line 3 - Rhyme A2
Line 4 - Rhyme B2

Line 5 - Line 2 previous verse B1
Line 6 - Rhyme C1
Line 7 - Line 4 previous verse B2
Line 8 - Rhyme C2

Line 9 - Line 2 previous verse C1
Line 10 - Rhyme D1
Line 11 - Line 4 previous verse C2
Line 12 - Rhyme D2

Line 13 - Line 2 previous verse D1
Line 14 - Rhyme E1
Line 15 - Line 4 previous verse D2
Line 16 - Rhyme E2

Continue the cycle carrying the even lines to the odd of the next stanza for as many stanzas as you wish - though, with a minimum of four stanzas and a final Quatrain, EXCEPT for the last stanza, which is built as follows:

Line 2 of previous stanza E1
Line 3 of FIRST stanza A2
Line 4 of previous stanza E2
Line 1 of FIRST stanza A1

—————————————————————————————

Critical reviews are always welcome! : )

Reviews

[William Michael Reeves]

You did some editing before I got to this. Wondering what you changed? At first I was distracted by the structure you created then quickly realized the returns stand on their own. Unique. Then I read it not concerned with its form and it is a beautiful poem. Then I read the returns as a separate poem and that was working too. Sort of. Very interesting. You puzzle parameters and pen poetic!

[Richard🖌]

Thank you, Bill🌵

For reading and commenting on this romantic little Pantoum piece.
You said, "You did some editing before I got to this. Wondering what you changed?"

Before I sent you the URL for this poem, I was reading the instruction details and came to this portion (capitalized letters designate placement of rhymes and repeated refrain lines) and noted I'd failed to include "placement of rhymes", so I added that for clarification.
As the Pantoum is a rather complex poetic form, I wanted the instruction details to be as inclusive as possible for you to follow and learn from.
Some of your comments, in themselves, are unique, and I hope you'll clarify them for me:
1. "returns"
2. I read the "returns as a separate poem" and that was working too. "Sort of."
3. You "puzzle parameters"

If you should run into issues composing your Pantoum, I'll be happy to lend a hand; and, when it is posted, please, let me know so I can read, enjoy, and review it.

Thank you for your gratefully appreciated compliments, too! ⁓ Richard🖌

[William Michael Reeves]

By returns I meant when you brought the end of the line back to the margin. Felt like those 'ends' stood on their own and not sure if that was your intention. Which is part of the fun of poetry, trying to figure out a poets intent. And just for fun I read the 'ends' as a vertical poem and it 'sort of' made sense. Puzzling parameters is what I am all about. In this poem you flipped the lines creating a parameter which turns it into something more than just quatrains and typical structure that most poets follow. Unique structure. I love the idea of poetic expression within parameters established. Since I'm new to all the various forms I'm determined to try my pen at all. But as much as I'm fascinated with forms if I really have something I need to say I'll do it in my 'style' which is way more complex than any of the forms. At this point I've written most of the forms I'm aware of. My pantoum is 'No Stranger To Death' and my Villanelle is 'Walking Cobwebs'. There is a third species of sonnet which is brewing in my head now. Petrarchan sonnet. After Matt's feedback I've been thinking about how to get that right meter. He said Amazing Grace is the best example of the da DA da DA da of it. I think my two sonnets may have stumbled when I used 3 syllable words. Gonna see if the third time's a charm. I have this idea going. One of my most recent poems is an attempt at free verse. I find it very difficult to write. But in a misguided need to impress Jacob, (another mentor) I tried. I like my subject though and have already started writing something in every form on the same subject. Might be an interesting presentation. I've already written the Cinquain and a few Japanese forms for it. Might do all or most forms. See where it goes.

I so desperately wish I had more time. My circle here in the cafe has grown and circumnavigating it gets harder and harder. I have a brainful of ideas and have been so inspired by everyone here. I never shared my poetry much but for who it was written for. I've known the satisfaction of making people cry and laugh. My poems have been recited by others as prayers in prayer groups. But having the attention of other serious poets has been something amazing to me. And I suspect I am about to learn much more now that you are in my circle sailing on words that can take us all the way around our minds!! Thank you Richard, write you soon.

Bill

[Richard🖌]

Concerning "returns":
I just sent a picture of my poem as it appears on my screen.

[Richard🖌]

Bill,

I don't want readers trying to figure out my intent … I want it to be plainly understood, rarely ever ambiguous, and if it isn't, I've failed.
The flipped and created parameters are not of my doing, they are inherent to the Pantoum form … see the instruction details.
Speaking of the Sonnet, did you read my blog on Iambics? If you do, be sure to leave me your feedback.
There is also a blog on Free Verse/Freestyle poetry you should read BEFORE attempting either of these forms.
Resist getting in a hurry and going nilly-willy into any poetic with no (or, scant) understanding … it's a great way to develop bad, hard-to-break habits that waste your time and efforts.
As to your expanding circle, I finally had to shrink it to manageable size ; you may end resorting to this, as-well, if you're to make any progress in studying, learning, and writing.
Generally, the more prolific, the quality of your poetry will suffer … far better to take your time and produce pieces you can take real pride in and your readers will more fully appreciate and enjoy.

Just my 2¢ worth. ; )

[Robert Trakofler]

That is a clever form it reminds me of a prayer, in its tone and the repeating of a single line to reinforce the statements truth in a new light as the motion of the stanzas move ahead in revelation. In my ear it rings of an old prayer. When I read a style of write with repeated lines i'm always weary that my voice would come inauthentic searching for structure and losing message when I think of replicating its form. but I must say in this piece that you pulled it off nicely. in my first read I was interrupted by the sequence thinking my good old cracked mind processing was playing tricks on me:) I never read anyone's remarks about a poem until i write my own review (and often times that includes writers remarks.) So I saved it and came back to it several times. You in particular always give a great deal of thought into your reviews and I shall always do the same for such kindness. The prayers voice in the desert painting creates a lovely mood in the lines flow and creates a sublime picture in this bunny's minds eye and of course you know I'm a rhyme lover!

[Richard🖌]

Mornin', M'Friend!
What a delightfully replete review you've gifted this little homage to desert romance, out in Nature's wondrous setting. And, I see what you, mean, Robert; it does express a sort of prayer-like rhythm and flow … its ambiance somewhat softly soothing to the soul. : )

Same as you, I seldom ever read other's reviews … besides, to me it feels like eavesdropping or nosiness; besides, I form my own unique take on a piece before leaving comments.

I, too, love rhymes, along with most all poetic techniques, forms, and styles.

Thank you most humbly and gratefully, Robert, for reading and commenting so graciously and consciously on this lovely poem, with such a beautifully gratifying review! ⁓ Richard 🍃

[Einstein Noodle]

so pleasant to read ... the serenity of a desert night well depicted says i! subtly emotive .. the weave from setting to scene to a lover shows your hard work well done, Richard ... i am not even going to try to "check" the requirements of the form .. it would ruin the mood you created ... a piece to be proud of for sure!
E.

[Richard🖌]

Thank you, Gene,
For reviewing this piece for me, and for sharing your side comments, as-well.
It is gratifying and inspiring to know you found favor in the poem, itself, if not in the form that made it "weave" and set the impact, as it does.

I agree, My Friend … it is "a piece to be proud of", as it took learning and practice to achieve.
Again, thank you for reading and reviewing! ⁓ Richard 🍃

[Einstein Noodle]

i think with your hard work and experience you used the form as a tool as opposed to fitting into the form .. even in my very limited experience i can read how well this all works together for your expression .. great job! so glad you share your poetry and wisdom here at the Cafe'

[Richard🖌]

Well, as in musical notes, melodies, etc; in poetry there is a form that best befits and expresses the mood, the theme, the kind of emotion, thought, and feeling a composer wishes to convey, whether it is comedy, tragedy, drama, romance, sadness, happiness … you name it, there is a poetic form that best fits it to a tee, if one is skilled enough to select the right one and knows how to compose it correctly.
Hah! Listen to me; once a teacher, always a teacher … LOL!
Your comments are always understanding of and rewarding to a hopeful olde bard efforts … thank you, Gene. : )

[Stella Armour]

A beautiful Pantoum Richard, and i never understand why this form is not more popular among writers of traditional forms.
If i wrote a Villanelle and a Pantoum it would always be the Villanelle that was most read for some reason.

[Richard🖌]

I could not agree with you more, Stella.
I think it perpetuates itself: One reads a one Villanelle, then another (which is more often written, becoming more recognized); then, a Pantoum comes along (less written in and less recognized), and on it goes; plus, "Villanelle" is a fancier name … LOL!

Thank you, Dear Stella, for such a lovely and gratifying compliment … big hug to you! ⁓ Richard : )

[Stella Armour]

(((hugs)))

[SJ Mullins]

That is way too complicated for my old senile brain. It doesn't work like it used to! Regardless, it is a lovely write. The imagery is amazing. Made me feel as if I were there. Incredible ink, Mr. Jenkins. :)

[Kelly Scheppers]

You certainly quicken one's pulse, like the rise and fall of a ferris wheel.

[Richard🖌]

Well, goodness-ME, Dear Kelly!
What could have happened that allowed me to miss one of your heart-stopping reviews … especially for this piece.
I am sorry, Honey … I love what you said for me about this little Pantoum.

Thank You with hugs to the sky! ⁓ Richard 🍃

[Great Aunt Astri]

It certainly does work very well. The 'short folk poem', with its interesting repetitions, reminds me of music. Like music, it is heard with different senses. I can see you poem, I can hear your poem, I can feel your poem, I can envisage your poem, and even identify with it. Beautiful Pantoum!

[Richard🖌]

Thank you, Dear Astri,
Your lovely words of understanding depth and delightful expressions are a poem within themselves … one in which my senses dance and fully enjoy.

I like the way your mind and heart work … hugs! ⁓ Richard : )

[Great Aunt Astri]

I am pleased it ignited the right buttons! Thank you very much for appreciative review.

[Richard🖌]

You're a pleasure, Astri … hugs! ⁓ RJ : )

[B]

Beyond beautiful
i am your fan now

[Richard🖌]

Thank you ever-so gratefully, Lovely Poetess,
for selecting one of my humble efforts to read and review … you've made me feel very happy! : )
Your praise and your fanship are received and accepted with warmest, most pleasurable joy!

Tuesday hugs to thee! ⁓ Richard

[Cameron Berry]

I really enjoyed this work. This really captured love and connection, spiritually and physically, and the desert imagery provided great backdrop for the story. I haven't seen this form before, but it was a superb vehicle for the content here. Nice work.

[Richard🖌]

Welcome, Cameron! : )
Yes, this form is one of the earliest classics, very popular worldwide amongst experienced poets.
Why not give it a try(?) … it is a beautiful challenge for any poet's pen.
Thank you for selecting the deeper aspects of this work to highlight … It tells me you've connected with it, and thank you for your very nice compliment!

Bless you, Fellow Poet! ⁓ Richard : )