fate ～ (tragic)

Sedoka is a Japanese form older than the Haiku by over 100 years. It is actually two or more verses joined into one with a syllable-count of 5/7/7-5/7/7, etc; no rhymes or capitalization, any topic.

       tiny flame-flickers

          piercing farthest deepest dark

             life’s wings seduced to unfurl

       flitting circling

          drawn ever nearer each beat

              gossamer spanning veins burnt

       falling in spirals

          eternal alluring sighs

              thus love's dreams each borning die

           rwjenkins

              ©2015

Author's Note

Honest, constructive reviews, please.

Reviews

[George Coombs]

Beautiful writing, for me a celebration of life a part of which is, of course death which I think of as moving from one kind of life/existence to another, the first two lines "do the job" for me, a lovely idea of a tiny flame in deepest dark for me, an indication that hope is always there even if difficult to see sometimes. I had never heard of Sedoka before.A well chosen image and all in all a great learning experiience for me.Thankyou Richard

[Richard🖌]

Gosh, George!
I sure am glad to have found your deeply meaningful review, and to be blessed by such expressions of enjoyment and understanding.

Bless you with many welcomes and my most gracious gratitude, my keen-minded friend! ⁓ Richard 🍃

[Tabby Mac]

Oh my goodness. I had to read this a few times to squeeze out every last drop of its goodness! I will probably reread it again after this review! The subject you chose to illuminate... (see what I did there?) it's outstanding the illustration of it!! I'm literally blown away with the depths of this piece.
This is elegantly done! It's going in my favorites for sure!! My words are failing to capture the praise I want to give you for this piece!! I LOVE IT!! My highest praise words are usually this is CRAZY AWESOME SAUCE! But with this delicate piece I'm reaching for new words that are just not there! Well penned! Hands down favorite!
Tabby

[Richard🖌]

Mm,Tabby!
Be mindful of cuddling too close to the flame! ; )
Yes, I see your metaphorical inference … very keen!
I know of none other who knows me so well so soon, feeling that which I express so concisely, and whom has the ability and willingness to openly tell me they do in such enthralling poetic voice.
The depth and extent of your praise, enjoyment, and appreciation for this stroke of poignant verse, how they glide squarely and smoothly into your core from my own … thus, the accolades you seek to convey already sing in sweet harmony.

You've certainly selected a one of a kind work as your favorite … unique as your touch!
Thank you warmly, Tabby ⁓ Richard

[Tabby Mac]

It's my pleasure and the only way I know how to be! I'm glad I don't always have the big words like everyone else but I try my darndest with the little ones to make my compliments known! :)
Tabby

[Richard🖌]

Oh, I've no doubt, whatsoever, Tabby, you could express beautifully, fully, and completely any feeling, emotion, or otherwise you really felt and wanted to!
I adore the way you be! ; )

[Susan 🦋]

and why must those dreams die?...or maybe why must we dream..only to watch them go up in smoke? Sometimes i think the realist in this world have it right....this world is too dark for the dreamers that look to the stars and long for more.

[Richard🖌]

Dear Susan*
I think in your own wondrously poetic questions and expressed knowings, lie the gist of your answers.

Thank you, Dear Lady-Poet, for the pleasure of hosting your lovely presence …
*warmest hugs! ⁓ Richard : )

[CD Campbell]

I'm very careful of trying to interpret the intent and meaning of someones work unless it just comes out smacks you on the face. So I won't here. If it is simple, you have my permission to come find me and smack me on the face. (Though not hard please) . The words that are used seem somewhat dark to me. The last two words used are at opposites. Beginnings and ends. It is a good form and the sentiment portrayed is enthralling. I mean that. Have a good day. CD

[Richard🖌]

It's about love in metaphor … using the imagery of a moth drawn into a candle's flame to its demise; thus, the introduction illustration.

No face-smacking from me, My Friend; if you didn't get it, it's my lack of properly expressing it so you can.

On that accord, I may redo this one.
Thanks, buddy, for your thoughtful praise and for undergoing the confusion, and most of all for finding something redeeming in it … blessings! ⁓ Richard

[andrew mitchell]

A marvellous piece of writing and thanks for sharing the information on something that's new but very old.

[Richard🖌]

Hi, Andrew!
Your fine review here is another of those gifted during a time when the site wasn't notifying us.
You praise, expressed gratitude, and enjoyment make the time composing and presenting this unique piece more than worthwhile.

You are genuinely welcome, My Fine Friend, and I thank you, too! ⁓ Richard : )

[Linda Marie Van Tassell]

I love the form of the Sedoka, and it is metered to perfection. Love's dreams may each borning die; but like a phoenix, they always rise anew. Love this!

[Richard🖌]

Gosh, Linda!
I am so very sorry, Sweetheart, for missing your wonderfully enlightening, beautifully spoken review to this poignant little Sedoka.

The warming tenderness of your works give me hope and inspire my olde pen to keep filled and ready to share more with you … most grateful and affectionate hugs, Linda! ~ Richard

[Kelly Scheppers]

What a gorgeous form, and read! I know of haiku and senryu, but this one is new to me. I must give it a try...thank you!

[Richard🖌]

How can I be less than smitten that you've chosen another of my modest efforts to read and comment on, and I love your lovely compliment.
How thrilling to think of your pen sharing your wonderful skills for us to enjoy … please, let me know when it is posted.

Smiles and most grateful thanks to You, Kelly! ~ Richard

[Roland Petrov]

I've written tanka, but sedoka is a new one for me. Thanks for the education and your beautiful example of the form. Is "borning" correct? At first I thought you may have meant "morning", but then I noticed that this could be about the metamorphosis of a chrysalis (thus the butterfly is born).

[Richard🖌]

Hi, Roland!
With so many Japanese forms to choose from, one can seldom be sure they've seen and tried them all, and they are among some of the loveliest, most provocative, and enjoyable styles one is likely to find anywhere, my friend.
Yes, "borning" – to be born, is correct. I like your grasp of its meaning and your interpretation of my usage of this word, too; yet, in its sense, the poem is meant how "love's dreams" in their "borning" die.
Re-read it with this in mind and I think you'll see the way this Sedoka leads up to this conclusion.
If you should decide to try this form, Roland, I think you'll enjoy its flexibility, as it can be about anything, unlike Haiku (of nature only) and Senryu (of human nature), and the longer count makes it easier for the port to make their point.

Thanks a million for selecting this one to read, for your inspiring compliment, and your entertaining and interesting comments … blessings for your day! ~ Richard